New Sound in JSA

It was definately worth the two extra days it took to get comics this week. I had a three-way tie between Jonah Hex #3, JSA #81, and Seven Soldiers: Frankenstein #2 for favorite comic. I have to say, though, that JSA has the edge because of a certain guest-star.

JSA #81 Spoilers

Expandable posts are great for Spoiler WarningsFirst I need to confess something.

I love the crotchety old men of the DCU. I love them telling Nazi war-stories. I love them showing up the younger set. I love them keeping the decent values of their generation and accepting the progress of the modern era. I love them fighting, I love them planning, I love them sitting around playing poker. I'd still read JSA if the entire comic was Jay, Alan and Ted bitching about the thermostat. Hell, throw in Hippolyta and I'll have to write begging for another issue like it.

But my favorite crotchety old man is the oldest and most crotchety of all. The retired (not reformed, mind you) supervillain. The one who never ages, and doesn't look old. The one who hadn't changed his values for 150 years, no matter what the rest of the world was doing. The one who regularly tells demons, figuring that each one is the Devil himself anyway, to go back to Hell. The one who would have no problem dating a girl young enough to be his great-great-great-great-great granddaughter. The one who knows a whole bunch of secrets he probably shouldn't, and records them in journals that would cause an insane scandal if any of them were stolen and made public. The one who probably doesn't remember most of the sixties, even though he was awake the entire decade.

Yes, I'm talking about the Shade.


It's been a while since we've seen the Shade. He put in a required appearance in the Princes of Darkness storyline (as everyone who had ever been connected to a member of the team showed up), but otherwise he's been keeping to himself. He never writes, he never calls. Even so, provided he's not written by You-Know-Who, he's always welcome in my pull list.

But I noticed two things this appearance, and I'm going to discuss the first with you today.



He has a new sound effect. BWWOOF! Shade's never made noise when he teleports before. Not that I've seen. But this is worthy sound-word.

I know, the most famous teleport sound is BAMF! But BAMF is a Marvel sound. And besides, BAMF! doesn't suit Shade's style of teleportation. BAMF is too impish. It implies a small burst of energy, as though the teleported item had been contained to atomic size, transported very quickly through subatomic space, and was suddenly pushed back to normal size. That is not how I've understand the Shade to teleport.

We know that the Shade slips through darkness into the Shadowlands. He opens portals in the middle of thin air to step through. And then he appears elsewhere.

In between those two places, I've always gotten the impression that he does not move himself, but rearranges the area to suit his path. He actually moves reality so that the area in the Shadowlands that corresponds to the area of the normal world that he wants to go to, is closer to him. Then he opens a portal from the World of Darkness to the World of Light, and ends up quite a ways away from his starting point. This wrecks havok on the Shadowlands, which explains why no Darkness-manipulator other than Culp (who would have teleproted in the same manner) has ever operated in the Shade's territory. Because the Shadowlands around Opal City look like they were painted by MC Escher.

Now, I have no basis for this assumption, other than it sounds cool and it suits his personality. The Shade does not go places, places go to him. And I like the idea of Obsidian having to follow the Shade someday and getting that "I'm trapped in an Escher Painting" kind of headache.

BWWOOF! is an excellent sound effect because it implies a great rush of energy. The Shade rearranging the Shadowlands would cause just such a rush of energy, especially in a hurry over a great distance, as shown here.

And so, it is a good sound effect. A worthy sound effect.

Ragnell Ranting

Rant Subject: Sexual Harassment
What Set Me Off: The wording in this interview that states "If you accuse a well-known comics personality--what they referred to in my neck of the woods as an "old soldier"--of harassment, you are de facto blacklisted."

(I promise something lighter next post, but I must get this off my chest or I will probably bite off the head of the first male I see tomorrow. And it'll be some unsuspecting innocent, I'm sure.)

(Click Here to see my Sexual Harassment rant)Most of you have picked up that I work on an airfield, in a heavily male dominated career field (I am the only female, for example, on my shift in my shop. Some shifts and some shops are entirely male). I was trained to work on aircraft during my enlistment in the US Air Force. And everyone knows what they say about the military and sexual harassment.

It was the best work environment I'd ever worked in.

Hell, it was a better work environment than any of my older female relatives had ever experienced. During my first term of enlistment, three female relatives all experienced some form of sexual harassment. My one cousin was suing, because she had a job that invovled roughly 10% labwork and 90% customer service/paperwork, and had been fired when she got pregnant and couldn't do the 10% labwork. Do you know what happens when you get knocked up in the military and the Doctor says you can't do 95% of your job? You do everybody's else's 5%, take your maternity leave, and come back to your normal job. No penalties (unless you hate paperwork). No pay cut (except perhaps for hazard pay if you get it). No firing.

And you know how I found out about one of the others? When me, my mother and my (also, at the time, military) aunt were all laughing at the latest "Military Equal Opportunity" briefing at Fiesta, one of our companions was visibly upset. The experience she related was utterly foreign to us. She was in sales, had been come onto by a coworker (who had no seniority, but was friends with the boss), turned him down, and was being screwed for scheduling, and therefore commissions because he didn't want to work with her again. We just gaped and thought "This still happens? What the hell?" because that's how much better an environment my aunt and I were in.

Everyone's heard of at least one major sexual harassment scandal in the military (usually the Navy, which may have something to do with wearing nametags on their asses, but my friend Cindy was a radioman and she never had a problem so apparently that branch was cleaned out also) and it's because of all that housecleaning in the 80s and 90s that I worked in such a lovely environment during my enlistment, and it's because of housecleaning that I work in such a comfortable environment at my current job.

Nowadays, not even a four-star General could expect to get away with that kind of behavior. Hell, even a Commander-in-Chief's been called on it. If a military professional were even verbally heard in private to express the same attitude found in Frank Miller's ASBARTBW Script, which was publicly printed, he risks being called on it and severely corrected. And the more seniority the offender has, the more severe the corrective action.

So, what kills me is to see an industry where the senior men are still protected in this manner. It may only be 5% or so, but what has that 5% ever done to deserve this protection? They've written comic books, for Mars' sake. Comic Books. This is not Colonel Stutz or Sgt. Levitow (neither of whom have anything close to this dishonorable attached to their good names, but the point is a soldier with a comparable record wouldn't get the break well-known comic professionals are given just because no one remembers their crappier work) we're talking about here. These are not "old soldiers." These are writers and editors. Get some perspective.

The entertainment industry is so fucked up.



Even Herbie knows it's Unacceptable
Herbie panel courtesy of Chris Sims at the Invincible Super-Blog

Click Here to See Me Make Light of This Subject

I Think I Could Cry

After days of compiling the posts relating to females in comic books, I ran across a Dissenting Opinion. Now, I don't mean a "You're overreating a tad, aren't you?" post. I mean, an honest-to-goddess Dissenting Opinion. It complained about the suggestion that indy comics or manga had better portrayals of women than mainstream DC and Marvel. Some of the wording was foul, but it was an excellent argument.

It was somewhere on livejournal, and I think it had a dark blue background.

I was so excited to find it, the rarest of posts, and quickly copied the link to post later on When Fangirls Attack.

Or, rather, I thought I copied the link.

I lost it.

And now I can't find it again. Even through Technocrati.

And now I'm all sad.

Oooooh Baby!

Damn Kalinara

She had to go and post this. Now not only can I not stop laughing, but I have to send you there too.

Match Game

I think this may be the most I've ever posted in such a short period of time, but don't get used to it. My apartment is a hideous mess after the Winter Holiday Gift-Giving Extravaganza. I am avoiding the inevitable clean-up.

And Psychocat enjoys the wrapping paper so much I can't take it off of him in good conscience.

Also, I like my skin, I like my hands, and I would very much like for my skin to stay on my hands. I call him Psychocat for a reason, you know.

(Click Here to play a game)Let's play the Match Game.

I've been avoiding cleaning by reading many interesting blogs.

I've found many interesting quotes.

Match the Quote with the Blog it was found on.

The Blogs:
A) The Absorbascon
B) Beacoup Kevin
C) Diana Crabtree
D) Double Articulation
E) Facedown in the Gutters
F) Focused Totality
G) Lady, That's My Skull
H) Melancholic Feminista
I) Once Upon a Dreamer
J) Reporting On Marvels and Legends
K) Respendant Beard
L) Seven Hells!
M) Silverfish
N) So So Silver Age
O) Tales to Mildly Astonish
P) The Zeta-Beam

The Quotes
1) Aim high, because even though you still might miss the target, you won't shoot your own feet off.

2) Anybody whose origin is "Attempted Suicide Because I'm Too Cool to Live" is alright by me, jack.

3) It takes a hell of a man to wear a satin vest around someone like Jonah Hex.

4) (by the way, if they make Ralph Dibny gay, I don't think I'll ever stop laughing)

5) If there's a plus to the recent controversy about how unfriendly the industry is to women (which, frankly, seems like an extended debate over the blueness of sky)...

6) Now I don't didn't particularly want to see naked astronaut ass in a comic book...

7) As far as I can tell, only two heroes don't trust Hal: Batman, who everyone ignores because he's a paranoid looney, and Hawkman, who everyone ignores because he's a jerk.

8) However, to my knowledge, Amy is not a were-lesbian.

9) Yes, I know I made that word up.

10) So let's review: evil Superboy-Prime. No weaknesses. The power to move planets with his bare hands. If you're not scared, you should be.

11) He-who-must-not-be-named.

12) I shouldn't be worrying about things like that anyway but I live in the real world.

13) ...I am a simpleminded sort that likes punching, drinking, and Fin Fang Foom.

14) Does anyone beside Pat Robertson use the word smote?

15) The bartender was very nice, good thing because otherwise I might hate her for her equally nice boobs.

16) ...when he turns his attention to the undead German army and the homicidal Angelic Hosts, however, things go awry.

17) That means stories about cops and doctors and housewives, not about guys in tights or your sad emo ass.

(I hope you can at least get your own.)

BAWHAHAHAHA!

Required Reading at Zombie Mallet's. This Post. Go! Now!

Carnival of Feminists 7

We interrupt your normal programming to spread the nominations call for the Seventh Carnival of Feminists, being held at Feministe on January 18, 2006.

The theme will be Feminism and Pop Culture, so there should be a few good posts in our corner of the Internet, particularly considering recent events.

Deadline for nominations is Midnight (presumably EST), January 15, 2006. From what I gather the time coverage goes back to January 3rd or 4th. More information can be found here.

Thank you, we now return you to your regularly scheduled ogling of Green Lantern.

Looks like Diana's gotten started without us.

Quick Question

I just finished reading the Day of Vengeance special, and am left with one burning question:

When and How did Empress turn White?

I mean, it's six kinds of awesome to see her again, but did I miss something important?

From the Barbelith Underground Archives

Learn the wisdom of the Barbelith Underground...

On Green Lantern:
It would be like Buffy showing up halfway through The Godfather series and kicking Mafia vampire butt. Grotesque. -- Tom Coates (November 12, 2003)

I feel ashamed that I know more about Green Lantern than I do my own medical history. -- Tuna Ghost (October 4, 2004)

Ch'p was great wasn't he. He was hit by a yellow truck, in Mosaic wasn't he? -- Benny the Ball (October 4, 2004)

C'hp must be avenged by his brother. D'le. --Lord Morgue (October 4, 2004)

Do you ever wonder if maybe you should have perhaps devoted all this effort to something more useful? Well, too late now, you're stuck with the knowledge that Cyclops's father is the captain of a group of intergalatic pirates known as the StarJammers, instead of the quadratic equation, until you fucking die. Live with it. -- Tuna Ghost (October 4, 2004)

I see it as my own little mental illness I share with about 50,000 other people. -- Solitaire Rose found his cat! (prev. known as Solitaire Rose misses his cat) (October 6, 2004)

A resident of this known Grant Morrison Fansite specifically tackles Green Lantern: Mosaic:
God, that series was wierd. -- Benny the Ball (October 4, 2004)

Dammit

I wasn't going to post about Lea Hernandez, but I had to go and mention an opinion in the previous post. So now, I feel a need to elaborate.

(Yes, There's More)I find it creepy. No two ways about it.

And this is not a commentary on the general state of comics, or the objectification of women in comics (I understand completely about the pandering and sexualizing and demand an equal amount of sexualization of male characters), or even the quality of the book itself (I stopped reading after issue one and haven't picked up since).

This is solely about Frank Miller.

And it's not because I consider him a "Master" in the Art form either. I enjoyed Batman: Year One and Born Again but I'm not going to put him at the level of Willaim Eisner. Even though Dark Knight Returns did predate Watchmen for starting the grimness craze, I still don't consider him that good. If comic books have any modern masters, Alan Moore and Grant Morrison top the list.

But it's not about his status, or his talent, or even a lack of talent.

It's because I've long been getting a subconcious vibe from his work.

I noticed a pattern around the time the Sin City movie came out.

The Hard Goodbye -- Older Man/Younger Woman
That Yellow Bastard -- Older Man/Younger Woman
Hell and Back -- Older Man/Younger Woman

Then there's the Dwight stories, where Dwight may not be all that older, but he tends to involve himself heavily with adoring prostitutes.

Add to that, his other works I'd read:
Daredevil: Born Again -- Karen Page is a drug-addicted prostitute
Batman: Year One -- Selina Kyle rebooted from simple cat thief to prostitute
The Dark Knight Returns -- Older Batman/Little Girl Robin

Now, any one of these stories standing alone is actually pretty damned enjoyable. I prefer Catwoman's new origin. But putting them all together, and realizing that the same writer has been using the same basic staples in so much of his work is disturbing to me. This body of work has left me with the overall picture of "Dirty Old Man" when I think of Frank Miller.

And this little bit of script has just confirmed it.

I can hear a confirmation of the story about Wally Wood increasing Power Girl's bra size and laugh (possibly because Wood was that much better and artist than Lee, possibly because Power Girl's dialogue tends to be smart and empowering). I can ogle Lantern butts, find out somehow this tradition is actually intentional, and giggle. But due to a confirmed lack of professionalism on his part, added to what I've seen in his own portfolio, I'm afraid I can't think of Frank Miller without shuddering anymore.

If You Took A Left Turn at the Cotton Candy Stand...

Well, today I was following the Lea Hernandez controversy in the interest of adding to the collection of "portrayal of women in comics" posts Kalinara and I have been amassing (I myself have little to add to the conversation except I just did a post on Kyle Rayner's hindquarters and I'm still creeped out by that bit of script she found) when I found myself at the Carnival of Feminists.

And I don't just mean that I ended up there. I actually found myself listed in the Carnival of Feminists for my "Wonder Woman Should Be Tall" post. I'm honored and just a tiny bit embarassed by some of my rowdier content.

So, if you're here by way of the Carnival, please, don't feel unwelcome by the geeky atmosphere. I understand we're a wierd little community with many strange customs and an unfortunate stereotype to outsiders. We're not much used to company ourselves. But check around, you may find yourself interested in the posts about Persephone below, Marionette's views on Violence, James and Ronee's speculations on catering to female readers, Kalinara's pet peeve, Melchior's observation on females in 60s comics, and various other thoughts about female characters. Aside from that, I think nearly all of the female bloggers are in Group One on the sidebar (Comic Treadmill has a few more), but the males are respective and in some cases more likely to discuss feminist issues.

Warning: Wickedness Ahead

This is a post in which I may alienate many of my readers (and completely win over the rest).

But I promised earlier.

And it needs to be said.

Submitted for your approval:
Kyle Rayner's Butt

Now, the virtues of Kyle Rayner's butt have been well-established by this point.

It has been stated outright in Green Lantern, Volume 3 that he has a nice butt.

This butt has gotten ample coverage during Kyle's appearances.

Artists go out of their way to showcase Kyle's hindquarters.


The boy is often seen doing Olympic-level Gymnastics in mid-air to show both his backside and frontside.

But this goes well beyond Kyle's admirable arse.

Note the above picture. Four JLA members leaping into action. One side-view, in an airplane. Two frontal view poses. And one guy twisted out of shape so that somehow we see his butt and his face at the same time.

Even Aliens are not safe from this wanton portrayal.

Lacking any humans, the artist has no hesitation in using Kilowog for Cheesecake.

And Abin Sur, once dignified! How they've lowered you for their base amusement!

Please note what constitutes a Green Lantern Group Photo in Silver Age.

They even made a point of covering the extraneous parts there.



But where did this phenomenon begin? How long have Green Lantern comics been obsessed with a single body part?

Well, I looked as far back as Showcase #22 and there it is, plain as day:

Hal Jordan's Classic Silver Age Ass

And if once wasn't enough...

Guess they thought it was too blurry.

I was going to stop there, because Alan Scott has a cape.

You'd think that would have saved him.

But no.

His cape is vertical throughout the entire Silver Age Team-Up story.

But that's the Silver Age, the early appearances were more dignified, right?

Wrong.

So, there you have it. A tradition dating back to All-Star Comics #3.

Green Lantern Butts.

On Persephone

Well, I was originally going to post about Kyle Rayner's butt, but I found myself distracted some commentary at Seven Hells. Essentially, the arguments there led me to a train of thought I can't seem to derail. They got me thinking of Persephone.

Yes, there's more. To the public at large, Persephone is commonly relegated to the role of "Victim" in Greek Mythology and ignored. It's true, she was only kidnapped to give Angst to her mother, Demeter. Hell, she was customed designed to give Angst to others. She was dragged through Hell and did very little during the story. She was deceitful and indecisive at worse, and helpless at best.

But after that story, she became one of the most terrifying and powerful figures of Greek Mythology. The day Persephone was finally condemned to the Underworld on a permanent basis was the day she fully took power and claimed the throne of the Underworld. She was always seated beside her husband when heroes came to visit (as Dr Bolen points out, no one ever found a "Gone Home to Mother" sign instead of a sitting Queen). She was often on their side, and swayed the rule in their favor. She was one of very few wives who was able to keep a lover aside from her husband without any backlash. She was the only one who ever forbade her husband to have an affair, and enforced it, not just once, but twice. She was the boss, if not always the mother, of the Furies.

Persephone was the sympathetic guide to the Underworld once you were there, she knew all of its secrets. She knew its secrets, she'd passed through the same death you had, and she was your last, best chance for mercy and sympathy, and if you were ridiculously lucky -- resurrection. No one got out of the Underworld without Persephone's approval.

Persephone was in such a situation of complete powerlessness that drawing any personal power out of it was akin to squeezing blood from a rock. But she managed it. She went from Hapless Maiden to Queen of the Underworld, She Who Blocks Out the Light. She made the unbelievable best of a bad situation, and she still gets zero respect for it.

I've long hated Persephone and Hades' handling in Wonder Woman, especially in Rucka's run since the other Olympians have been so well handled. After the events of "The Bronze Doors" Persephone would at the very least be in front of Queen Pallas with a protest sign right now. Sure, the early Persephone might have been grateful for the reunion with her mother, but after centuries of reigning as Queen and more equal to her husband than any other goddess, do you think she's happy with him dead and her ousted in favor of Ares and his slut? Ha!

But that's okay, I've found Persephone elsewhere in DC. Everyone is so quick to parallel Oracle with Athena, because of the surface similarities (extensive knowledge, helper of heroes, she's a librarian for Hera's sake!) but when you look more closely, Oracle is the DCU's Persephone. She was a bright, redheaded summer goddess. Optimistic and helpful, she was the only one of the Bat-clan to not have some horrific tragedy driving her to fight evil. Until the Joker saw her, and in order to hurt her parent, crippled her, humiliated her, and left her to die. Barbara found herself cut off from that world of adventure she'd loved so much and trapped in her apartment at a computer.

So she made like Persephone, and turned that position into one of power. It didn't happen until after the Killing Joke writer had long since moved one, and she'd passed hands to another creative team, yes, but it still happened. She became one of the most powerful heroines in the DC Universe, from a chair. She was the guide and helper to anyone lost, not only in the underworld of Gotham, but the entire superhero community. She outshined her own Hades (Batman) in detective skills. For a long time, he didn't make a move without calling her. She became the boss of the Furies, which was started by teaming with another Persephone who regained her power -- Black Canary.

And now, she may be finally coming back to the light! And some are thrilled, while others are disappointed. They like Oracle the way she is. The way I see it, she's still Persephone. Regaining the use of her legs, and taking up an active superhero career is just assuming more personal power. She'll have her ups and downs, be back in the Underworld again, but that's okay. She knows her way around now, and she'll always have her computer skills, will always have her detective skills, will always be one of the most intelligent women around, and will always be able to tell others "I've been there, here's what to do."

And she's not the only one. Everyone's at DC is in the Underworld right now. Power Girl is trapped in her own wavering self-doubt and need to belong (Please note, however, that this is all Her Angst, and no one else's. Kal-L is actually around to cause more Angst on Power Girl's part). Jade's been there since she betrayed her lover's trust. Donna Troy is just coming off of many months of mind-control and about to get many people who trust her killed. Wonder Woman herself is cut off from her sisters, fighting off a gigantic robot monster with unlimited resources and reinforcements on her own, and reviled by the entire public.

The thing isn't the situation itself. The strength of the character is in how much power can be drawn out of the situation, and who they come out as. Power Girl's a born Artemis-type. Athletic and Feminist. She'll come out of the Underworld stronger, more centered, perhaps a bit less tempermental now that she'll have less insecurity. and go back to what she does best. Diana is Athena, and will reclaim her wise warrior role, she'll continue to do what needs to be done no matter what the rest of the world thinks of her. I wouldn't be surprised to see Jade get trapped in the Underworld. Barbara will become more physically active, but she and Dinah will still be the older, wiser Persephone types, helping those lost in the Underworld.

And it's not just the women here. Superman is coming off of mind-control. Earth-2 Superman is cut-off from his home reality. Batman is caught up in his own arrogance. I don't want to talk about Nightwing. Hal is coming off of years caught The entire DC Universe has made a side-tour to the Underworld.

But that's one of the pluses of DC. Everyone plays Persephone at one point. Tragedy and overcoming it is what makes drama. And anyone who is not the lead of a book is primed to suffer for another's Angst. I suppose you could argue that, due to a number of factors, most males get off easy -- but who does that make the stronger gender?

Secrets of the Sidebar: Love and Links for the New Year

To start the New Year, I'm going to reveal something from last year.To start the New Year, I'm going to reveal something from last year.

No, I am not going to take my top off.

No, I'm going to give you the Secrets of the Side-bar.

I know many of you have been wondering what is up with the groups. But only one man has been brave enough to ask me. So either no one cares, or you are all afraid of me.

I choose to believe the latter.

Anyway, here's the thing with the groups:
I want to have a long blogroll. Because that is how I find new blogs, other people's blogrolls. And I believe in enabling others to travel the web in this manner. That's why, when I find a blog that I've never seen linked to, I'll usually put it up. Because it's a corridor into a different section of the community.
But I don't like having the blogrolls go on too long with nothing to break up the links. They just blur together, and good blogs can be overlooked too easily. If I put them into small, sizeable groups the individual blogs are easier to find, and I can rearrange them easily to draw attention to people I want to get more traffic.

Why are you in a certain group? Well, some of you have something in common with the others in your group, but others are grouped together just because I added you all at the same time and wanted to keep the group a certain size, or I wanted to expand a small group.

Does the numbering matter? No. It doesn't even affect the order the groups are listed in. I just couldn't think of any neat names for each group.

Are you at the bottom because I hate you? No, you just don't talk about comics enough.

Are you at the top because you're undeniably wonderful, the best thing since Kyle Rayner's butt? Not necessarily, but I do think you or someone else in your group should be getting more traffic.

And don't be surprised if one day I rearrange them to not be alphabetical anymore, too.

To celebrate the New Year, I'm going to go over each group, link you to them, and tell you why they're there. Some of you are going to get a paragraph of praise. Some just a sentence that states that you are cool. But for a lot of you, it's simply that I got an overall feeling reading that I'd like to come back, and maybe others would too.

And, should anyone come up with a fun name for a certain group, feel free to comment. I did eight separate posts to give you enough room, after all (and I apologize sincerely to anyone with a feed that messes up this format).

And so, without further ado, Let the 2006 Written World New Year's Linkblogging Marathon Commence!

Secrets of the Sidebar: Group Eight

Click here for Group Eight: Brainsplurge, Anti-Semantics, Carthage, Feminism, More Me, Mild Astonishment, and Kimfuscism

• Aieee! Run From Kelvin's Brainsplurge! -- Kelvin has a lot of interesting points, and I'm ashamed to admit I didn't think of this one. He's smarter than I am.



• Damned Anti-Semantics -- I like this guy. He almost never rambles about comics, but is interesting enough about normal life that I don't mind. And his blog has a clever name
  



• Delenda Est Carthago -- His political posts are actually his best.



• Philobiblon -- This one is a Feminist blog that has all sorts of neat little tidbits about women's history and current events. I am fond of her essay on The Last Unacceptable Word.



• Earth-2 Written World -- Yes, this is my own livejournal (The username Ragnell was taken). I'm particularly fond of the posts here and here.



• Tales to Mildly Astonish -- He's a CBR poster, although I'm not sure I remember who he is. I just followed his signature to this one day.
  



• Your Moment of Kim -- If I did not link you all to my sister, she would kill me. But at least she says interesting things.

Secrets of the Sidebar: Group Seven

Group Seven: Zombies with a plan for World Domination. It involves a box of comics, Dr Polaris, and a Sometimes Right Triangle.

• Chronicle of World Domination -- He's very new to this, but he likes Rebirth and is a thoughtful reasonable person. Plus his blog has a good name. I figure he deserves some traffic.
  

• Johnny Triangles -- T has finished moving. Yay! I look forward to more posts like his Wanted Review.


• The Last Shortbox -- An intriguing concept. Too early to judge, but he also deserves some traffic.


• Reporting on Marvels and Legends -- Spencer broke the Marvel prohibition before I ever heard of Calvin. This was the first post I caught and I found no reason not to clear a path for him.


• Title Undetermined -- I saw the first post he posted the day after he posted it. It wasn't long before before he gave me a beautiful quote (Can you guess which sentence it is in this post?).


• Zombie Mallet -- Mallet speaks a completely different language than I do, it seems, but we do agree on one thing.

Secrets of the Sidebar: Group Six

Group Six: Kevin, Ian, Chris, Ken, Mark, and the shrunken head of a Sleestak.

• Beaucoup Kevin -- Everyone links to Kevin, because he's entertaining. And not just on his blog, he's very funny over IM too. My favorite bit on his site is this post (I think the last picture is adorable, and would like to see a panel like it someday featuring Kyle Rayner).

• Brill Building -- Found this by way of another blog dedicating an entire link to getting people to read it, and they were right.

• Chris' Invincible Super-Blog -- Who won me over with a Starman post.
  

• Don't Gargle With Turpentine -- His comment here led me to this, and I found it and the title so charming I had to add him.
  

• Focused Totality -- A person everyone seems to link to but I never discovered until this.

• Lady, That's My Skull -- I don't know why I didn't link to this guy until recently. I mean, I'd seen this, this and this long before I put him on the sidebar.

Secrets of the Sidebar: Group Five

Group Five: Public Transportation

• Comics Should Be Good -- This site is worth checking out just for this recurring feature, let alone all the other cool stuff.
  

• The Drudge Siren -- I read Jon's site a lot, and his Jodie Sweeten post actually led me here. But this is my favorite post at this blog.
  

• Listen to Us, We're Right -- I found this post a long time before I started regularly reading these guys. Having completely forgotten about that review, I found the site a second time and was entertained enough to read straight through -- until I saw the title again. I stopped only because I was laughing too hard to go on from just the memory of that review. I took a break.
  

• The Low Road -- If I look at your site and laugh aloud at the first post I see, there's a good chance you're getting a spot on the sidebar.
  

• Snark Free Waters -- On my first trip to this site, I found myself instantly agreeing with the blogger. That's another good sign I'm linking to them.
  

• Two Guys Buying Comics -- I link to these guys a lot, because all three of them are worth reading. But I keep going back for the reviews.

Secrets of the Sidebar: Group Four

Group Four: Symbolism, Soliloquoy, Sorrow, Subtlety, and Superheroes

• Double Articulation -- As I said when I first linked to him, never before have I seen anyone who sees more symbolism in comics than I do. Wow. He doesn't update often, but when he does its impressive.
  

• Ethan Watches You -- Scroll down to the dialogue below the icon of Jesus when you look here. Here is when the issue actually came out. Ethan Van Sciver has a sense of humor about this, and that is very cool.
  

• Fortress of Soliloquy -- Tom usually has something good when you visit. He caught my attention here and I decided to link to him here.
  

• Mortlake on the Schuylkill -- Melchior commented on my stuff long before I commented on his, but I was still looking. Like Jim Roeg, he's one of those people who are insightful enough that you don't feel a need to add to him sometimes.
  

• Superheroes, Etc. -- I just read through a couple of posts and decided I like this person. Sometimes it's that simple.

Secrets of the Sidebar: Group Three

Group Three: Straight-jackets, Creative Cooking, Drainage, Carnage, Office Solutions, Insomnia, and the worst Travel Agency in the DC Universe!

• The Comics Asylum -- James Meeley is thoughtful, polite individual that I never noticed until I found he had the same opinion I did on this issue of the Flash
  

• Comics Ate My Brain -- This is one of the first blogs I ever visited. When I was first put on graveyard shift, I found myself up at odd hours when no one else was about. There was nothing to do. This led to websurfing. And so, searching for Green Lantern information, I found this, and this.
  

• Facedown in the Gutters -- I started visiting this one back when Jon was doing his ongoing feature on character costumes, and I thought he had a charming way of naming his reviews every week, so I kept returning. This post is what cemented his link, however.
  

• Filing Cabinet of the Damned -- I only knew Harvey from commenting on the Absorbascon, so when I ran across this link (from someone or another's site) I didn't realize until the end it was someone I'd bantered with the week before.
  

• Of Course, Yeah! -- I'm a DC-centric reader, so I didn't really care to add Marvel-centric blogs for a while. This post changed my mind. It was followed immediately by this post which made me realize that Spencer had some taste afterall.
  

• Sleep is For Suckers -- Catchy post title led me to this blog, which has a catchy blog title.
  

• The Zeta-Beam -- The first post I read of this guy's, and he completely won me over. It also helps that he likes Buckaroo Banzai too. (Though I didn't see the 50-cent preview issue last week!)

Secrets of the Sidebar: Group Two

Group Two: Thanagarians, Subtext, Stuffed Animals and other Blogging Essentials

• What WERE They Thinking? -- I think anyone who's seen this site needs to link to it. It is compulsary. I added it the first time.
  

• Suspension of Disbelief -- I wish writers and artist would link to this site sometimes.
  

• Seven Hells! -- A good sign I'm going to be linking to someone is when I find myself instantly start laughing at a post, without really realizing why.
  

• Progressive Ruin -- Another person everyone links to, but this my personal favorite reason to.
  

• Dave's Long Box -- I know, everyone links to Dave. But I never looked to see why until this.
  

• Bully Says: Comics Oughta Be Fun! -- He's just so damned cute. Look at that!
  

• The Absorbascon -- Scipio was the first person I linked to. Everybody links to Scipio, because he is that funny. This remains one of my favorite images ever.

Secrets of the Sidebar: Group One

Group One: Librarians, Lesbians, and other Ladies.

• So So Silver Age -- People might think I don't like these ladies, because I constantly link to this post. In fact, they may even think I'm maliciously mocking them. I'm just teasing a bit, actually. The truth of the matter is, I link to it because it's just the sort of thing I might say myself, and I find it a pretty entertaining read (I also feel bad I never pointed out that Jade was a crappy character and that killing her can only help the representation of woman in comics in the comments there). So odds are, I will link to it again, and again. Sorry!
  I keep going back to the blog itself, however, because of stuff like this, which is a much better representation of the content.
  

• Shelly's Comic Book Shelf -- She just seemed like an overall cool person. Here's the post that led me to her.
  

• Redhead Fangirl -- I am fascinated by her dislike of Power Girl, who is one of my favorite characters. This is when I decided to add her to the roll, though.
  

• Pretty, Fizzy Paradise -- I had Kalinara earmarked for the blogroll before she even started that blog. I followed her comment on Dance of the Puppets to her livejournal, and intended to link to that. Before I got a chance, she made a blog and crossposted the livejournal entry I liked to it.
  

• Dance of the Puppets -- I actually meant to add her to the blogroll earlier than I did. I'd assumed she was already there, as I'd bookmarked her around here, and constantly visited afterwards. Oops!
  

• Comics Fairplay -- This woman may be responsible for my change of heart about Ron Marz. As I've stated before, my sister and I dropped Green Lantern after Jade got the crap beat out of her by Fatality and needed a last-minute rescue after a pitiful performance. We'd only been reading since Donna left, so we didn't see any other prominant female. It was around the time of the Refrigerator list, so, we drew a natural conclusion that Ron Marz couldn't write women, so we turned to enjoy Kyle in JLA, specials, and Green Lantern in back issues (in actuality, it was Marz who made me like Hal Jordan in Emerald Knights!). I didn't read it again until Winick's run (and my sister had to loan me her issues first!).
  Now, the well-reasoned points brought up here, only as recently as October, made me reread some of my old Green Lantern stuff and reevaluate Jade as a character. I then reread her appearances written by the other writers. I realized she was not out of character, and that I actually despised her even more than Heidi did. I also realized that, without going from the presumption that he didn't understand women, the rest of Marz's writing wasn't bad after all. His Alex was actually fairly impressive, his Donna was stomachable, his Maura Rayner was awesome. So, thanks to Comics Fairplay, I am not only willing to pick up Ion in 2006, but I'm actually looking forward to it.

Happy New Year!

(Yes, this is how I spent New Year's Eve. I am Ragnell the Foul, of the Night Shift. I do not get invited to parties.)

Wonder Woman Should Be Tall

At work, there's a entryway on the airplane that I can't climb into without a hand up. I'm a decent height as women go, but I am just a couple inches too short to boost myself into it. Most of the men I work with get in there fine, so they can give me a hand up afterwards. This afternoon I was standing helplessly outside this entryway (as the staircase to the main cabin had not yet been set up) and contemplating Mallet's comment on the Wonder Woman/Green Lantern picture in my previous post when something occurred to me: Wonder Woman should never be in this situation.
(Yes, There's More)

And I don't mean because she can fly, or jump really high.

No, I mean because Wonder Woman should be tall. I don't care what the Secret Files profile pages say. She should be tall. Not "tall for a woman." I mean, outright tall. Divinely tall. Tall for anybody.

As I stated earlier, Wonder Woman radiates largeness.

This effect should be enhanced by her physical makeup, not despite it.

She should tower over other women, and most men.

Think about it.

What does she represent? Truth and Femininity. Perhaps even, the Truth of Femininity.

What did her creator intend originally? By nearly all accounts I've read, William Moulton Marston was a Female Supremicist who intended to show the best most outspoken parts of femininity through her, without shame or shyness.

Do you think this man intended for his creation to stand in the picture, looking normal? No, he wanted her to dazzle and delight everyone. He wanted her to attract and overpower everyone. He wanted Wonder Woman to be outstanding!

And Wonder Woman should be outstanding!

No, Wonder Woman must be outstanding!

She must stand out, to better encourage all women to stand out!

She must be also somewhat large.

And I don't mean muscular and masculine large.

I don't mean obese either (but I can't see why she shouldn't have charming fat deposits on her tummy and hips like a real woman anyway.)

I mean feminine large.

I mean tall and curvy, big hips and breasts.

She must be vital, powerful and beautiful. The Brave Little Tailor image of the small hero facing the huge beast may work for Green Lanterns but not for Wonder Woman. Diana who teaches that women can overcome any and all barriers should never look small. She should never look like a "normal woman" because Diana represents what is extraordinary about womanhood! All that's wonderful and enjoyable and admirable about femininity.

How could you want to cut that short?

Diana should never be short, because she is the Height of Womanhood. She is Femininity at its Largest. She was created during a time when women were still were encouraged to think small, act small, and repress their Largeness (their ambition, their demonstrativeness, their lust, their Loisity) because men don't like that. Diana, in her need to explore and experience, attempted this as Diana Prince. She kept her height, but she pinned down her ample bosom underneath a dark suit, slicked her bushy Greek hair back, and hid her eye makeup behind glasses.

But even she chafed under all that polyester.

Even she constantly rolled her eyes at stupidity it was taboo to point out.

Even she said "Enough is Enough! My Largeness can no longer be contained! I need to fight, drink, dance!"

So, Diana becomes Wonder Woman, and she tosses that attitude aside.

Large as life and twice as bright, as the saying goes. But she does stop there. For Diana, it is not enough to just be Large.

Diana embraces her Largeness.

She flaunts her Largeness.

Hell, she's worn her Largeness over her activewear for 63 years running now -- "Miss Femininity 1942-2005."

Remember Steve Trevor? (The early years). The very man who ignored her traditional small alter ego fell head over heels for her Large, Lusty True Self!

Why is that?

Is that because she's a normal woman who can lift cars? No, many women in the DCU can do that.

It's because she's Wonder Woman, Dammit.

She's unstoppable and overwhelming to all. She bursts off the page with all the combined energy of a single working mother rushing to get her kids to school before her meeting, a teacher who sees a child running with scissors, a shopper at a Boxing Day sale, a woman who watches pornography to heckle, a new airfield worker trying to get her lazy-ass coworkers to train her, and a female slash-fic writer who sees a male character saying his favorite pick-up line to another male character.

Diana lives to explore and conquer new territory (with loving submission, of course). She is the first woman to leave her homeland in three thousand years! Now that is a Large thought. That is the Largeness inside of every woman screaming to get out and see the world.

Diana is supposed to look on the outside how all women look on the inside.

Not a delicate frail fair maiden, but a vibrant goddess of life and beauty. And yes, a giantess! A beautiful, talented, amazing, strong giantess who can pick up any man she wants and carry them to the Temple of Aphrodite (Route 6, Exit 51) for a sweet night of physical pleasure, political philosophy, and bondage games.

And who doesn't need Joshua to give her a boost into the airplane.

Green Lantern Corps Policy

Notes from the 12-27-05 Green Lantern Corps morning briefing.

Subject: Sexual Harassment
Briefer: Kyle Rayner

Transcript Here

Good morning. I've been instructed to brief all Lanterns on the Guardians' Sexual Harassment Policy. There's a roster being passed around, please intial next to your name, or I'll have to read this to you again.

A-hem.

Romantic liasons are not restricted among Corps personnel. It is strongly enouraged that you research the mating rituals of your potential liason prior to the actual liason.




For example, violence is permitted as a response to unwelcome advances, but in a number of cultures it is simply the next step. Please know what you are getting into.

Standard Policy is that no means no, especially when the mental state of the refuser is in question.






Do not expect help from your chain of command. Any one who is unable to fend off the advances of Senior Lanterns Gardner or Jordan on their own does not deserve to be here.



Please be warned that the persons you will interact with outside of the Corps have no such restrictions on their behavior, and may have less than honorable intentions.

You have been briefed.

Happy Holidays

(There are numerous amusing Holiday posts throughout the Blogohedron. I'm taking a day off.)

Have a joy-filled winter religious festival of your choice!

Guy Gardner is the Scariest Person in the DC Universe

I can picture the following exchange occurring in a future issue of Green Lantern Corps:

GUY: You see my friend back there? (Indicates Kyle Rayner, too far in the background to hear, and absorbed in the multi-colored mud of this world)

HAPLESS SPACE BADDIE: Yes. (Watches Kyle draw in the mud with his finger)

GUY: That is Kyle Rayner of Oa. The Most Revered Torchbearer of the Green Lantern Corps, Holy Savior of the Guardians of the Universe, and my partner.

HSB: (Looks at Kyle, who is now finger-painting a rock with colorful mud)

GUY: And I am the luckiest son of a bitch in the universe because he likes me, and the Guardians like him. In fact, they love him. No matter how weirdly he behaves, they reward him. They will do whatever they can to make him safe and happy. I keep him safe, and I am his closest friend. So punishing me for little indiscretions like destroying your ship, and killing you, would make him unhappy, and they know this.

HSB: (Nods, slowly comprehending the gravity of the situation)

GUY: In fact, I could blow up this entire star system and get away with it. Because they'd rather see all of you dead than him sad or lonely. Understand?

HSB: (Nods)

GUY: Now, let's get on with the negotiating here.

Upon the Reading of Infinite Crisis #3

(Spoilers by Process of Elimination)

I don't care, I still think it's Parallax.

Also...

For those of you who want more thoughtful posts on female and male characters -- See Shelly and Kalinara.

Between the Panels

Due to an unreliable UPS truck, I, and much of the greater Oklahoma City Area, find myself without comics today. I went to work and enjoyed myself anyway. Got to play with diagnostic programs, test equipment, take things apart, get some fresh air, get kicked off the jet so they can tow it... These moments have been all-too rare for me recently. I discovered that as much as I dread going outside and moving all the equipment so I can work, I'm a lot happier on work days when I actually get to work than when I sit inside and tell other people to work or document their progress. Wierd, huh?

Anyway, saw the following when I visited Dave's Long Box today:

Man, what would it be like to date Big Barda? You’d be out at dinner and she’d be all, “This crème brulee is better than ripping the heart out of an ash-crawler. When I finish I will take you to my bed and you will pleasure me until I am sated.” And you’d be all, “(gulp) Okay…”

...and it got me thinking:

What must it have been like to have Big Barda, Queen Hippolyta, and the Huntress on the JLA at the same time? I mean, you know Kyle must have been as happy as Brainiac 5 at a Supergirl lookalike/wet T-shirt contest, but what about the other guys, the alpha male types and the ones who prefer healthy relationships?

I guess it's just another one of those places in comics where you know you missed something amazingly funny between the panels...

Journey to the Center of the Universe

Infinite Crisis #1 and #2, and JLA #123 Spoilers Ahead

Okay, we saw an interlude in Infinite Crisis #1 set in the middle of the Polaris system (site of the Rann-Thanagar War), in front of that huge tear in the space-time continuum. The following peopel are known to be present at this disaster:

1) Adam Strange, more than enough hero for two worlds!
2) (a) Hawkman, for you guys who thought Animal Man or Bumblebee would be The Load and (b) Hawgirl (Kendra Saunders) who is not the Load because I like her.
3) Captain Comet, Equally formidable amounts of intelligence and power
4) Vril Dox II, Even more intelligence, and the arrogance to tell people with formidable power what to do.
5) Lydea Mallor, Darkness Powers, and we've seen from the Shade (Many bios of whom contains serious Starman Spoilers and I haven't delved too deeply into this one, so click at your own risk), Obsidian, and Nightshade that they trump nearly everything in the right hands.
6) L.E.G.I.O.N is a massive agency, and contains other powered people (I'm just not up to speed on who still has powers anymore!)
7) Prince Gavyn, Starman, and his Cosmic Shepherd's Staff
8) Tigorr of the Omega Men, who can trade grooming tips with Animal Man
9) Kyle Rayner, Senior Green Lantern, who's record speaks for itself. Admittedly, it speaks of both good and bad -- "Why don't we just pump it full of energy and see what happens?" Interestingly enough, he appears to be Incident Commander. This also speaks of both good and bad possibilities.
10) Kilowog, Even More Senior Green Lantern
11) Guy Gardner, Senior Green Lantern, though not actually present, has as much as promised to bring the entire Green Lantern Corps there under his command. Again, good and bad possibilities.

Various hints dropped at the Comic-Bloc Forums indicate we will see developments out here. The following points may be touched upon:

-- Given 9 and 11, we can be very grateful for 10.
-- 3, 5, and 7 are impressively powerful
-- 9, 10, and 11 individually command massive, mind-blowing amounts of power, and are (by now) trained to work as a group.
-- 1, 3, 4, 9, and 10 are adept of thinking of ways around planet-level threats
-- 1, 3, 7, 9 and 10 are all known to be highly cooperative
-- 2 and 8 don't seem very useful at all, unless there is an all-out brawl, which is actually pretty likely, given 11's impending presence, and the number of 9's ex-girlfriends on New Cronus
-- 4, 5, and 6 will most likely cause the most infighting, though 2a is at an all-time low for teamwork ability right now.
-- 4 possesses the highest level of intelligence possible, but 2a is acting stupid enough lately to actually lower the intelligence level in a room.
-- 4 and 9 seem to be employing time-travel, or at least the ability to appear in multiple places at once. This may help.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

In addition to the above points, we have to factor in Donna Troy's team.
In JLA #123, Donna Troy told the JLA "I only need the most powerful among you."
We see in Infinite Crisis #2 that she felt a need to add Animal Man, Cyborg, Starfire, Red Tornado II, Firestorm (Jason Rusch), Bumblebee, Herald, Airwave, another Green firkin' Lantern (Alan Scott), Jade, Shift, and Supergirl to the above assemblage. All of these people are traveling on New Cronus to the New Center of the Universe -- the Immense Hold in the Space-Time Continuum Located in the Polaris System.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Clearly, something is coming out of that hole.

And I'm sorry, but if it's the Anti-Monitor, I will be severely disappointed. If the Anti-Monitor pops out of that Rift, the rest of the series could only unravel in one way:

At the worst possible moment, the Anti-Monitor will rise out of the Gigantic Hole in the Space-Time Continuum posing like the main villain in a Korugarian Space Opera.

He will cackle maniacally.

Then his vision will clear, and he will notice the two massive armada. So far, so good.

He will smile, and survey the battleships -- my, there's quite a few of them like they're expecting him.

His smile will falter until he sees some of the colorful Earth heroes. This is what he expected.

He will begin to step out of the Rift to attack, and then....

...he will see the Green Lanterns.

And then, he will count the Green Lanterns.

And then he will tip his pillbug helmet politely to Donna Troy, apologize for bothering her, and promise to return at a more convenient time.

Cut to One Year Later.

Quick Linkblogging

Kalinara on JSA Fanfiction:
(I am completely, utterly incapable of slashing Alan. Ever. Jay either. I think if I tried, they would look up from the paper and calmly and politely ask me to stop. And I would have no choice.)

Captioning Contest at the Drudge Siren

Sleestak introduces us to Creepy Uncle Hal

Scipio offers us rationalization.

Zombie Mallet poses a question about Death.

Seasonal: Infinite Christmas

Calvin Pitt offers DC the best of Marvel in a post addressed to Devon and Scipio.

The Green Lantern Curse

(True Love, Unrequited Love, Cute teenaged crushes.... Apparently, you can't even look at a Green Lantern's butt without stumbling and breaking your ankle)

Kilowog
Arisia -- Kilowog had a crush on the adult Arisia. We all see how well that worked out.

Salakk
Iona Vane -- Erased from existence.

Arisia
Kilowog -- Died, resurrected after she died
Hal Jordan -- Possessed by Giant Yellow Bug Monster from Outer Spaaaace!

Brik
Hal Jordan -- Again, possessed by Giant Yellow Bug Monster From Outer Spaaaaace!

Katma Tui
John Stewart -- Failed to save Xanshi, worked for Controllers, paralyzed twice

Ash
Ash's Wife -- Killed by vampires

Kreon
Boodika -- Lost hand in Emerald Twilight, last seen seen strung up and insensible on Manhunter Homeworld

Boodika
Kreon -- Crap beat out of them both in Emerald Twilight, last seen strung up and insensible on Manhunter Homeworld

Alan Scott
Rose Canton -- Suicide
Molly Mayne -- Sold soul in Underworld Unleashed, apparently got it back but is cursed to age normally while her husband remains youthful.

Hal Jordan
Jennifer (College/High School Gilfriend) -- Disintegrated in Coast City
Carol Ferris -- Mind regularly taken over by Space Aliens, on and off again villainess.
Iona Vane -- Again, she was erased from existence.
Kari Limbo -- Died in Coast City disaster
Olivia Reynolds -- Last seen flirting with Icemaiden. While this is not tragic, it is pretty damned interesting.
Rose Hardin -- Ended up on the Mosaic World the night before the papers were due at the bank to prevent foreclosure on farm. Cannot return to Earth without losing farm now. Fate uncertain with Mosaic Retcon

John Stewart
Katma Tui -- Hacked to pieces in an 8-Page story where she had 5 lines, 3 of which were bitchy. Resurrection retconned away.
Rose Hardin -- Dated John after Hal, continued to be trapped on Mosaic world. Found happiness there, right after John went back with a resurrected Katma Tui. Fate uncertain with Mosaic retcon.
Merayn -- Unable to be taken seriously on Earth for all of her qualifications, apparently turned evil (or at least, bitchy)

Guy Gardner
Kari Limbo -- Died in Coast City disaster
Torah Olafsdotter -- The only proper love interest for Guy Gardner was sacrificed to make a lame villain look more dangerous, on a mission Guy wasn't even on!

Jade
Brainwave -- Went evil, got better, went evil again, got better again
Kyle Rayner -- Shall with start with the time his heart was torn out and used to house the souls of the Justice League, or when the girl stabbed him through the same heart? Or how about the worrisome number of times he's been kidnapped and tortured?
Lucas Simon -- We can only hope...

Kyle Rayner
Alex DeWitt -- Still defrosting
Adara -- One night stand, committed suicide the next morning.
Donna Troy -- Depowered. Ex-husband and son slaughtered. Totally Mindfucked. Died. Came back to life, still mindfucked. Another failed marriage.
Jade -- Lost powers, regained powers but apparently lost mind, cheated on Kyle with loser, was cheated on by loser, still dated loser afterwards
Terry Berg -- This one's pretty impressive, because Kyle never actually had a relationship with him. Terry just had a schoolboy crush on Kyle, and Kyle gently turned him down right off. And then he got the shit beat out of him. Wow. Kyle's powers of tragedy are truly impressive.

Favorite Women of DC Comics Part IV: Lois Lane

Lois Lane (Action Comics, Superman)
-- So, now you know my secret.

I'm a Lois Lane fan.

I've thought long and hard about what I can say to explain this one. It sounds like grounds for losing your Feminist card. I mean, all of those arguments that I have for killing Jade fall short in the face of this revelation, right?

Wrong.

I believe, unlike many comic book fans, that there is a great deal in the initial concept. What works for one character will not work for another, based on the very concept. Take, for example, the Damsel-in-Distress slander.

Lois Lane was the prototype for silly comic book girlfriends.
She sees trouble, she follows it, she gets into it and gets helped by the hero.
She repeats this over, and over.
She never learns.

Lois Lane is the Classic Recurring Damsel-in-Distress.

Well, obviously, someone is going to have to be in Distress. At least half the time, it should be a woman. This is okay. What is not okay is when the character is a "Hero" or a "Villain" as opposed to "Civilian", and ends up in Distress the majority of the time, and mediocre at best the rest of the time. That is bad.

Now, when a character is by nature a "Civilian" character it is more than all right for them to be in Distress.

Lois Lane is a Civilian character. She is not an incompetent female sidekick when ends up in over her head and needs to be saved by the male lead. She is a civilian news reporter who ends up in over her head and needs to be saved by the male lead. The main difference is whether or not being in over their head makes the character incompetent. Lois Lane has above-average tomboy brawling skills, but the majority of her ability is in writing, lying, and sneaking around spying on people. She has no super-powers. This is Okay. Not everyone has them. And if Lois had them (as she did quite often during the Silver Age) indications are she'd probably do a decent job of taking care of herself. Sure, she's not Hope O'Dare or Alanna Strange (able to handle herself powerless against powered people) but she does okay for herself with what she has.

My problem is when the Damsel-in-Distress situation betrays incompetence on the part of the Damsel, which, in Lois' case, it doesn't. She does a good job at her job, which is writing. Her problem is when she runs into Superman's world. Superman's world is different from the one Lois was designed to live in, bottom line.

But Lois is stupid. She didn't see past a pair of glasses for 60 years!

Well, she's not as dumb as everyone thinks. Pre-Crisis Lois figured out who Clark was a few times, and he kept using comic book physics (shapeshifters, time-travel, other wierdness) to be in two places at once and throw her off. She may have been outclassed and out-wierded, but I think galatically stupid is going too far. I mean, as I said before: she's a Civilian. Different world, normal world -- not properly equipped to deal with Superman's world.

-- Maybe the above is rationalism, but I can never hate Lois. Ever. No matter how many stupid situations she ends up in.

Because her very concept is a boon to all humanity.

She utterly destroys one of the stupidest attitudes towards romance ever conceived.

Yes, I'm talking about the dread "No man will want a woman who..." argument. "No man will want a woman who can't cook." "No man will want a woman who competes with him." "No man will want a woman who spends more time at work than at home." "No man will want a woman who is forward enough to propose to him!" "No man will want a woman who is outspoken, ambitious, strong-willed, career-oriented, nagging, or nosy!"

Wanna bet?

Not everyone is happy alone. Not everyone is totally satisfied in the company of women. It is not unfeminist to pursue a male companion. Lust is a natural drive, and it is unhealthy to deny it.

Unfortunately, traditional wisdom advises both genders to hide their undesirable aspects when choosing a mate. For many women still "undesirable aspect" means opinions, talents, dreams apart from raising a family, and overall backbone. Contemporary Wisdom now acknowledges that no Real Man wants a doormat, but what I've seen of Lois Lane's era disagrees with Contemporary Wisdom.

One thing is certain from the Superman mythos: Superman is a Real Man (and Beau Smith can just bite my ass over this one). Superman represents the Ideal Man.

I've read a lot about how Superman is a "male adolescent fantasy, where the weak exterior that is mocked by desirable females hides a godlike interior that drives such women to lust."

Now, in that description, ask yourself who the "desirable female" is.

It is so beautiful that the most idealized male in existence wanted an outspoken career woman more than anyone else. There's a damn good feminist message at the root of it, even if on the surface she's obsessed with him and spends most of her time trying to trick him into a marriage.

Lois Lane was a pushy, loudmouthed brunette reporter and Superman thought she was a Goddess.

This because Lois Lane knows something very, very important, that she wants to share with us.

Lois realizes that even if you ultimate goal is marriage and family, you don't attract the Perfect Man by hiding in the kitchen and dumbing down to protect his ego. You attract him by being brave and aggressive, going straight for your goals and not compromising for anything.

You want to be Perry White's top reporter. Go for it! You want to give that up to marry Superman and raise kids, that's fine too -- go after him! Strong-willed is beautiful. Ambitious is admirable, and he won't find it a turn-off if you ask him out.

This is not just something Lois Lane says or thinks. This is what she lives. This is what demonstrates. She tells us to be who we are, and not be ashamed. To want what we want, and go after it. Don't worry about ending up alone, because the ideal person will love you no matter what everyone else says "desirable" is.

It may not seem like much now, but the generation that gave us this it must have been one hell of a lesson to digest.

Appreciate the Lesson of Lois Lane.

After all, she did bag Superman.