Friday, November 18, 2005

DC Comics Wishlist

Things I'd like to see in the DCU (But probably won't):

Wonder Woman
-- Diana, having gotten Athena's throne for her, is officially released from her mission. She steps down as Themiscyran Ambassador. She takes a roadtrip to find herself, and realizes that she was happiest when she was a newcomer to Patriarch's World because her heart is in seeing and learning about new things. She dons her Wonder Woman costume again, and throws herself into exploration. The series is no longer limited to the embassy, but spans the entire Earth, all ancient legend, outer space, and other dimensions as well.

-- Celtic legends finally make it to Wonder Woman. First up, Diana fights Scathach.

-- Hippolyta returns to life, and is appointed High Priestess of Athena on Themiscyra, which frees her to come to Patriarch's World and beat up Evil because Athena is a war goddess, and that would be a form of worship.

-- Hermes returns as a regular supporting cast member, when he learns to tap "indirect worship." He promptly modernizes, and returns to his traditional position as the God of Commerce, Communication, and Travel. He sets up shop in the largest available temple to all three on Earth -- The New York Stock Exchange. He has a little booth like Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche had in Trading Places. Aphrodite visits him often, and they close the curtains on the booths. When this occurs, every single person in the building exits with more money than they had when they came in -- even the janitor. On the other hand, when Hermes heard that his own brother was shacking up with Circe, stocks plummeted so fast the Flash appeared to be standing still.

-- We see scenes set in Hermes' quarters on Olympus. There is a poker game perpetually taking place there -- played by his mother Maia, and his four daughters: Peitho (Goddess of Seduction, in a little red dress), Tyche (blind Goddess of Chance, dressed as a casino blackjack dealer), Eunomia (Goddess of Lawfulness, dressed in an old-fashioned tweed ladies' suit), and Angelina (A Messenger Goddess, dressed in UPS brown). No matter what occurs in the foreground, the poke game always continues. If a fight overturns the table, the ladies pick up their cards and continue playing on the other side of the room.
These Goddesses have been playing poker for at least three years, and are still on their first hand.

-- Ares kicks Circe out on her leather-clad butt. (Wait, this one will probably happen)

-- Persephone protests day and night at Olympus until her husband Hades is brought back to life. Athena grants her wish, not because of her persistance, but because Athena realizes what a monumentally stupid thing it is to have Ares and Circe running a prison full of her worst enemies.

--The Themiscyran Goddess Tyche (Hermes' daughter, the chick with the giant Wheel) publicly establishes a temple in Las Vegas. A worried Wonder Woman goes to reason with her, realizes absolutely nothing has changed in Las Vegas with the goddess of gambling physically present, and leaves her alone.

--Donna Troy makes exactly as many appearances in the next twenty years as Harbinger made in the last twenty. (We may occasionally see her show up on Oa to bang Kyle when she gets especially lonely, but she always sneaks out before he wakes up and never leaves a note!)

-- Wonder Girl (Cassandra Sandsmark) manages to make even fewer appearances.

Green Lantern:
-- This book ships monthly (I kid because I love)

-- More Gremliny goodness!

-- Jade is possessed by a Zamoran warrior's essence, and as a result becomes a competent hero.

-- Ice returns to life, marries Guy Gardner, and moves to Oa to man the Dispatch board for the GLC while she pumps out little Vuldarian/Frost Diety/Human mix children. ("Look at all our little mutant babies!")

-- Hal Jordan uses his head more often. (So I like this picture, so what?)

--Vril Dox II branches out from "protection" to "art dealing" when they start forging Kyle Rayner's signature on various Earth-style drawing, and selling them at outrageous prices. Apparently, Kyle's artwork has major religious significance on Oa, Zamora, and some backwoods little world called Mogo. Most Green Lanterns consider it lucky to carry at least one piece of paper that Kyle has drawn on or signed. It's also popular among Korugarian teenagers trying to freak out their parents.

-- In Opal City, the Shade and Commissioner O'Dare argue about the lack of heroes to protect the city, and in particular, the lack of action on the Shade's part to correct this problem. Just as the phrase "Heroes don't exactly fall from the heavens, Clarence" is heard, a rift in the space-time continuum appears exactly four feet above their heads. Starboy, of the Legion of Superheroes (Any version, though the post-Zero-Hour would be easiest since he's currently lost in time) falls out of it, and lands at their feet.
He immediately throws up on the Shade's $200 wingtips.
Guess how Shade makes him pay for the damages.

-- Shining Knight (from Morrison's Seven Soldiers reboot) sets up shop in Opal City shortly afterwords. With that one new resident, Opal City officially passes Keystone as having the largest time-displaced population in the DCU.

-- At a press conference, the Shade gets irritated by an inquisitive reporter. He opens a dark portal below the reporter and her cameraman with his shadow powers. They fall through.
At the home of Jay Garrick, Golden Age Flash, the old hero walks out in his bathrobe to get his morning paper. A dark portal opens above him, and reporter and cameraman land at his feet.

-- The Shade, personally reviewing his accounts for the first time decades, manages to figure out exactly how much money he is owed for years of Injustice Society work. Calculator in hand, he sets out to extract payment from his old boss, the Wizard. He finds the Wizard, and the modern Injustice Society, in the middle of a fight with the JSA. Hilarity ensues.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Observations From Across Cyberspace-time

Now, I wouldn't dream of rampaging, but I thought I'd share some findings with you:

"After this whole crisis is over I don't think Batman will trust pretty much anybody...except probably Superman...and maybe Wonder Woman."
(Symphony of Six, April 15th 2005, 03:02 PM)

Other observations about Batman: "... an arrogant sociopathic arse whose not tougher than Hal Jordan or Rich Dragon in a real fight." (Cappadonna, April 23rd 2005, 11:54 AM)

"I am not for one second suggesting that the JLA are perfect but....bugger it I've talked myself into not buying it anymore..."
(Aidy, July 13th 2005, 8:08 AM)

Why is Sinestro beyond redemption? "Sinestro has a flamboyantly evil mustache. And a funny shaped head. And the first three letters of his name are S-I-N." (Gingold, November 15th 2005, 2:13 AM)

The fight depicted on the Infinite Crisis #5 Cover: "I want Superman to win" (Dave Anthony Tomaine, November 14th 2005, 5:07 PM)

"How many teams does space need in the DCU anyway?

That's what the old Crisis was for, it killed off all these crazy things. Then they hired Geoff Johns and he brought them all back. Honestly, the last 2-4years have pretty much undone everything that Crisis accomplished, aside from bringing back "old Superman" from Earth 2."
(Ogul, September 27 2005, 11:04 PM)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Sweet Gods, I'm actually going to buy Wizard again!

Well, DC Comics tried very very hard to keep it under wraps, but someone leaked the February solicits two days early. (Spoilers ahead)
Now, for those of you who are behind the rest of the class, the 2006 February DC Comics Solicits are important because they are the last issues before the entire product line leaps forward for one year, with the exception, of course, of Infinite Crisis, because they are cocky enough to show us the results of the end of that storyline before actually showing us the end of that storyline.

They took it down but it was too late! Several specimens from the Online Message Board Sub-culture seized onto the news. And there was copying, and pasting, and oh yes, Panicking.

Much Panicking.

Because what should have said "Final Issue" (I'm looking in your direction, Supergirl) did not (Which doesn't necessarily mean that it's not ending, we'll see when the March solicits come out for sure). And two books that should certainly not have said "Final Issue" did.

And for the first time since I started reading comics, I will not be reading The Flash.

Because it's not even offered.

And those sneaky butts didn't even say "Final Issue" for January's solicits!

No, the title "Finish Line" didn't imply anything! How many times have those Rotten Bastiches promised us Superman would die! Or that This would be the End of Superman!

And how many times have they followed through?


Three Lousy Times! In over 60 years of publishing!

So naturally, when I see "The End" or "Dies" or "Finished" I tend not to believe it unless it actually contains the words "Final Issue."

They're just trying to scare us, that's all. They are just trying to scare us.

Wally will survive. Wally will most definitely survive. Killing another Flash is just way too obvious.

They can relaunch the series without replacing Wally.

Yes, they can.

And hey, they can replace Wally without killing him!

Yes, they can. They did it with Starman!

And Green Lantern!

Hell, they did it twice with Green Lantern!

Oh, wait...

Anyway, I'm not even mildly afraid for Wonder Woman. The entire DC Editorial staff doesn't have the collective cajones needed to off a character that big.

Well, Grant Morrison probably does. But they have him distracted with Seven Soldiers right now.

However, this and other news will be forcing me to pick up Wizard #171 while I am on vacation. In November. In the Land of Snow and Mountains. Visiting a place that is 30 minutes from the nearest comic book store in the Summer.

Yes, I am going to drive 30 minutes (realistically, though, it will be an hour for snow) to the middle of a city that hasn't seen progress since the Coal-Mining Era, from the middle of a valley that believes the Earth is Flat and there is a straight drop to Oblivion beyond the Pocono Mountain Ridge that surrounds them, to spend six entire dollars on a magazine, which will probably feature at least six pages on two-dimensional breasts.

But it will have a confirmed cancellation list from DC Comics.

The official announcement of the new Green Lantern artist (and perhaps some preview pages!)

And of course, the announcement of Ron Marz's new DC project. Now, nearly everyone knows I'm not much of a Ron Marz fan (No offense to the man, I've seen his posts online and he is the very personification of class -- and I hear he sings well too!) -- his writing has skill, but it's not really my cup of tea. But, hearing this announcement should lay to rest a rumor that plagues my thoughts.

Well, actually, several rumors which plague my thoughts:
1) That there will be an "Ion" series launched in March
2) That Kyle Rayner will be getting his own on-going series again
3) That Kyle will be internalizing his powers during Infinite Crisis and leaving the Green Lantern Corps
4) That Kyle will be fed up with the Guardians and leaving the Green Lantern Corps that he worked his ass off to restart
5) That Kyle will be taking the name "Ion" again, and possibly the powers
6) That Ron Marz will be writing for DC "a title that has never been seen before, starring a character that has"
7) That Ron Marz will be writing Kyle Rayner as Ion
8) That Kyle Rayner will be dying.

On the bright side, though, if this is true: It means Kyle lives. And, as I think Kyle Rayner was the best thing to ever come out of Ron Marz's head, I'll at least be buying the first storyline, to see if I like what's going on.

But, I hope Marz is playing with a different hero (or heroine -- Hey, maybe we'll get to see a male love interest die gruesomely! No, that wasn't a cheap shot. His record and his thoughts on killing off supporting characters is well-documented! I just think he should get a fair shake and a chance to stuff a man in a fridge to prove he's not a misogynist, okay? Okay, I just wanna see a male supporting character stuffed into an appliance to even the score. But Ron Marz is the man to do it!). Because I like how Gibbons and Johns are writing Kyle right now, and I want to see where they take him.

I'll find out a week from Wednesday.

Meanwhile, Midtown Comics has Green Lantern #5 on it's confirmed shipping list. Maybe we can finally see what Hal Jordan's been up to. And it should put to rest another rumor that has been plaguing the DC Comics Message boards this week.