Oh man.

Rue McClanahan passed away. Growing up I used to seek this actres sout, and she's the reason I watched early Mama's Family and caught a few episodes of Maude, and a couple of fun PBS shows (I remember one where she was playing a Mother Superior in a group of nuns holding a telethon that was hilarious) but like everyone else I remember Blanche best. I was such a Golden Girls fan growing up. She was the picture of the vibrant older woman to me, just fun and full of life and humor about everything. It was amazing to see this kind of character in our society that's so freaked out about sex, women's sexuality, and older women's sexuality especially, let alone have her become a comic icon. McClanahan's Blanche Devereaux is reason I count characters like the Arthurian Morgause and the DC Comics Hipployta among my favorites.

Disney actually got the Prince thing right once.

All the fantasy Disney sells aside, being one of their main female characters seems like something of a pain. If you don't start out trapped in a hellish nightmare at the hands of some person who hates you for no good reason, you will soon find yourself trapped in a hellish nightmare at the hands of some person who hates you for no good reason. While this traumatic and life-altering encounter with dark occult forces is happening, you have to be nice to everyone. If you succeed in being caring and noble, you get to marry a hot guy who has a lot of money and power. Any fame or fortune you accrue on your own is written off as due to your beauty and passivity, and referenced in a lifetime of feminist essays condemning you and conservative essays praising you. Any cool stuff you do is drowned in an ocean of pink marketing. After all is said and done you don't have any real fans beyond the little girls who like your pretty dress and hair, because most of fandom better remembers the villains because you need to be a cipher that little girl viewers can project themselves onto. And your name will be inextricably linked with whatever elements in your story give the worst message about life and romance. Given a choice, I suppose I'd really rather be a fairy godmother (which has the advantage of great power without any real responsibility) or a wicked villainess (where I know I'll be going down at the end but at least it will be spectacular.) But if I absolutely have to be the Princess and go through this shit, that prince had better be fucking worth it. Sadly, a prince worth all this trouble is fairly rare even in female fantasies.

You know how stupid it is when they stick a cipher love interest, the girl with no personality beyond attractiveness that is offered up as a prize for the hero at the end of the movie into the story? Well, it sucks when they do it to male love interests too. Out of the Disney/Heroes line we don't ahve much. We have very few quality men, a couple who manage to be okay, and a few who are downright horrible. Aladdin and Hercules get top billing, so they have actual character. The Captain in Mulan struck me as a hell of a guy (he's mean at the beginning because he's a freaking Basic Training instructor), but he's a bit humorless if I recall correctly and isn't actually a prince by marriage or birth. The Disney Scale of Princes seems to range from uninteresting (You're an okay guy, Prince Charming, if only because they didn't develop you enough to give you character flaws) to douchebag (I'm looking at you, Lesser Beast--I sincerely hope Hank McCoy is coming to kick your ass in the first crossover). There's really only one guy who seems to be worth going through a fairy tale for and surprisingly enough, he gets paired off with the princess who suffers the least amount of trauma (Maleficent's scary as hell, but a little finger cut, ten minutes of mind control and a nice nap really don't compare to that stepmother who's been the only mother you've ever known trying to kill you because you're growing up prettier.)

I suppose when they decided the princess was going to spend most of the movie asleep they realized the prince was going to need to be someone worth watching. They managed it for me at least, every time I see this guy onscreen I am grinning. And even though he's like Aurora and needs to be very dignified and attractive so he's not allowed to be anywhere near as emotional and funny as the fairies or the kinds, there is just something incredibly likable about Prince Phillip. Maybe it was just relief that after the completely uninteresting princes in Snow White and Cinderella, Disney finally up and delivered a decent man. The Prince gets a personality in this film.



He gets an awful lot of personality, actually. He's super-adorable, full of life and enthusiasm for everything. He's excitable and impulsive, and 100% Angst-Free even when brooding in Maleficent's dungeon. He's had his entire life planned out since birth, but it doesn't seem outwardly to weigh on him. When he decides against following the Plan to marry that princess he's never met in favor of trying for the cute peasant girl with the really nice singing voice, and tells his father he doesn't come off as rebellious or confrontational. On the contrary, he's very cheerful and affectionate, and doesn't even bother to argue with the old man. He's also allowed to be frightened, discouraged, and humiliated. When he first shows up, he's a little boy making a face at a baby and he seems to retain some of that boyish quality over the next sixteen years. He approaches life with an upbeat sense of humor. When you meet him as an adult, he gets thrown from his horse into a puddle (he was trying to follow that wonderful singing he heard in the forest) and takes it in stride. And when he's drying off and a bunch of Aurora's animal minions steal his coat, hat and boots he takes that rather well too.

The first meeting scene is fascinating to me, and it was never because I liked the song. It's the interaction here. Aurora's caught with stolen goods. Phillip does the creepiest thing possible, and then actually manages to recover and befriend her. And I don't mean the writers just have her be charmed by him being a jerk, I mean he manages to pull out some serious diplomatic skills and switch to the right foot after starting off on the wrong one.

I'll give you that here it helps that the audience knows his story. Initially when he heard the singing, he set out to try and find it but was thrown into a stream. While drying off he sees some of his clothing literally walk away from it, and follows it to find the singer he'd been curious about before. So we know from the start he's not just a pervert who wanders the woods looking for strange girls, but Aurora doesn't.



I love how he does that thing where he sneaks up on her in the forest and starts to dance and sing along with her, and then immediately apologizes when he realizes she's scared. The way I read the buildup and approach is that he mistook it for her specifically playing a prank on him (what would you think if your clothes walked off while you were bathing and you found someone dancing with them?) and tried to prank her back a little. But Aurora hasn't actually thought about where the men's clothing came from, and is so wrapped up in her fantasy that she doesn't even notice when she's caught by an actual human dance partner instead of clothing animated by a couple birds. She is just stupified when she hears "Mr. Owl" singing in a human voice. When she pulls away Phillip realizes he's completely uninvited here, has inadvertently done some incredibly creepy and intrusive, and has to perform some damage control while angling for an invitation. He apologizes, goes out of his way to appear nonthreatening, and serenades her with her own song. He never once asks her why she took his clothing, or mentions it. He doesn't make excuses beyond "I didn't mean to frighten you." (He still smiles a bit too much when telling her that. He was anticipating startling her a little bit, just not so much he'd ruin her day.) He's got every right, mind you, to just stop and hold out his hand and demand she give the items back but if he does so he destroys her game and takes over her territory. So rather than be overbearing and change the rules to suit him, he presents himself as a part of her fantasy, willing to go along with her rulebook. Notice that he doesn't add his own lyrics to the song, or change the tune. He just sings what she's been singing, in a male vocal key. He's signalling her that yes, he's bigger and a stranger and armed but he just wants to join her, he doesn't want to spoil her fun.



The whole scene is a dance (I wouldn't be surprised if it were adapted directly from the ballet, which I've sadly never seen) where he tries to retain her attention without frightening her again. Phillip's a prankster sort of character, overly eager and thoughtless at times (later in the movie he picks his father, a very short King, off of his feet and dances him around until the old man yells at him), but he seems to understand that it's his fault when he crosses a boundary and that it's up to him to change his approach and defuse any potential harm. And while this should be the bare minimum standard of behavior for men of all walks of life, we're looking at a person of royal birth interacting with a peasant (as far as he knows) in the 14th Century. Watching Phillip empathize with and charm Briar Rose the peasant maid he found with his missing boots by playing her game tells us a lot more about Phillip than watching him empathize with and charm Aurora the princess by playing her game.

Of course, my impression here may be affected by the other example of an early Disney Prince following that beautiful song to meet the singer. Phillip is considerably less threatening than the Prince in Snow White, who climbs over the wall to her house, doesn't apologize, and then proceeds to sing his own song about how much he loves her at her window.



I saw that for the first time as an adult, overlooked the few seconds with the white horse, and didn't recognize the prince as the guy climbing over the wall. I thought for a second the Prince was going to meet her by saving her from the creepy robber guy who climbed over the wall into her private garden. But no, that's the Prince, armed, vaulting over the wall and sneaking up on a pre-teen girl with a really eager smile, then chasing her into her house. I can only conclude that he's kind of a dick. He seemed almost gleeful when he asked if he frightened her, and he moves forward when he asks. He doesn't seem to take into account that he is older, much taller, armed, and looks to be of a different class.

But he has the Magic Singing Power that charms birds and potential spouses so this doesn't hurt his chances with her.

Snow White seems a lot more frightened than Aurora does, probably not just Snow White's Prince comes on extra-strong but he's a nobleman in full finery chasing some poor servant girl in rags. Aurora's prince is at least humbly clothed enough that the girl he's approaching isn't struck by a terrifying feudal class gap (mistaking royalty for peasantry is probably easy when everyone is clad in the course kind of clothing you get when your asshole of a king bans the latest in fiber-making technology). Snow White's prince doesn't adjust his posture or draw back to signal he's not a threat, or continue to play according to her rules. He calls for her to come back and then changes the song. He tries to take command of the situation rather than let her set the rules and boundaries.

Prince Phillip, having the benefit of a couple decades thought on what sort of hero little girls might like, approaches Aurora on her terms even when he missteps. Both heroes intrude on the dreaming heroine, but Phillip adjusts to Aurora's dream. And while Phillip's quick apology keeps it so the girl is just startled and doesn't run away immediately, eventually she does run off when she realizes how much time she's spent out in the forest and that her "Aunts" are waiting at home. Phillip handles this better than the other prince, too. He runs after her to keep within earshot, but stops at each barrier (a tree branch, a stream) and calls after her rather than trying to overtake her. And since he didn't just scare her off earlier, she changes her mind when he asks for clarification. ("When will I see you again?" "Never, never!" "Never?" "Well, maybe someday" "When, tomorrow?" "Oh no, this evening." -- Aurora's a bit spacey. Not stupid, mind you, I think she's smarter than the godstooges. Just spacey. I like her.)



Now, we do have to take into account when analyzing both these meetings the Laws of Disney Love. The First Law of Disney Love states that only True Love can break spells like these. As in any fairy tale, there's a strong implication of the hand of fate in these meetings, that this ignites a spark of True Love. True Love is the necessity of the spell, and while even in fiction I've rolled my eyes at the "one destined mate" interpretation, the "True" part certainly means that there is no greed or jealousy or self-glorifying objective in mind. That either Prince could break the spell tells us his interest in the girl goes beyond a roll in the hay, he's genuinely interested in her as a companion. So dickish as Snow White's Prince is, he's got decent intentions but handles them badly. He's not evil, he's just a jerk. But he has mind control singing powers so he doesn't really need social skills. I wouldn't marry him, though. (And judging by the Wicked Queen's reaction, mean old witches are immune to mind control singing powers, so I'm good there.) Prince Phillip is much, much better with people so he comes off as a better catch, so to speak.

That's not to say Phillip wasn't one of those guys with just one thing in mind. Marriage. He's approaching her on her terms but he fully intends to coax her into his world, and he reveals that when he gets back to the castle. He announces to his father, King Hubert, that he plans to marry a peasant girl he met that afternoon and is meeting again. So, Phillip's ultimate goal is marriage while Aurora is just happy to meet a nice boy at the moment. I will say that I can see where they are both coming from. Aurora is unaware that she's a princess promised to a man already so she sees nothing but an open and optimistic future. Phillip's life has been planned out since birth, and if he wants to take control and direct it he needs to be decisive and present his father with a solid alternative. He can't just say "I met a nice girl I'd like to court" in this case, he has to have the long goal in mind to justify tossing away his father's plans. So he's got a goal he hasn't brought up here, but he's not so much deceiving her as waiting until they know each other a bit better to bring it up. It is not a harmful goal to her, his motive is fairly understandable, and he's being pretty considerate of her situation.

In real life I would call it pretty offputting to decide right away you're going to marry someone, but taking into account Phillip's situation, the time period and that the Second Law of Disney Love states that you get only one song to decide you want to spend the rest of your lives together, I'm willing to accept this here.

Phillip's got a lot going for him but his biggest strength is his people skills, and he's certainly a social person. He's re-introduced to use at the "16 years later" mark bribing and joking with his intelligent (and non-speaking) horse. Most of his humor comes through interacting with the horse and defusing tense situations with Aurora and his father. He knows exactly what he needs to say to them. More impressively, Phillip knows exactly when he needs to keep his mouth shut, as when dealing with Maleficent in a situation that I'm certain launched a thousand bondage fetishes. He doesn't try to trick her or talks his way out of it, or even insult her (though she does make him angry enough to pull against his chains). It's obvious that anything he says can make things worse for him, or even reveal information that she can use against him and his family. When he gets rescued, he keeps quiet rather than look a gift stooge in the mouth and sets to action.



I really like his design. He's more angular and masculine than the previous princes but a bit softer than the modern wave. Otherwise he's got this really earnest, innocent face. He has an earnest smile he reserves for Aurora and the King, a very innocent and sweet look. And then he has this mischievous smile that reminds me of Harrison Ford in Star Wars. He also gets to blush, be annoyed and do all these "oh shit" reaction shots when fighting Maleficent.

We like to make fun of Phillip for getting help against Maleficent from the Fairy Godstooges, and don't get me wrong, they were the driving force for good in the movie and the reason he made it, but he did put in an incredible amount of effort there. They arm him, but he's the guy who's probably never fought in his life but uses the weapons competently. He fought the goblin guards en masse without help (it took a ton of them to catch him unarmed in the first place while Maleficent watched him beat them up, must be a fairy thing) until they started with ranged attacks like boiling oil, tumbling rocks, and loads of arrows. He went through the thorns alone without getting help until his cloak got caught. Then when Maleficent showed up, the godstooges got cold feet and booked it (except Merryweather, who got pulled back from helping him because apparently fairy lives are more important than human ones) and he stands up to her alone for way longer than he should have been able to. She basically pummels him with fire repeatedly, driving him to a sheer wall (which prompts a little advice from Flora, but not any sort of levitation or protection), then to the edge of a cliff. When she takes out the shield and scares off the horse, then they come foward to enchant the sword and give him a bit of help. The character is brave as hell and a pretty badass fighter. I think he edges out all the modern princes except Hercules in this territory too. And he gets points for standing up alone to freaking Maleficent while much more powerful people ran away from her.

Phillip is a pretty straightforward and positive character but he does have one flaw that's not immediately obvious, and is very important in the story. His father Hubert, who in the previous scene had been willing to take out a sword at the thought that Stefan was going to let his daughter back out of the marriage deal (and I bash Stefan a lot, but he is a considerate father who realizes that Aurora's going to need some serious adjustment time), doesn't really do that much to stop Phillip from calling it off. He orders him to marry the girl, gets laughed at, then feebly tries to chase his son's horse down the courtyard to get him to talk it over. Then he sighs and goes to tell Stefan it's over with. Then he's utterly shocked to see Phillip and Aurora at the end. He's dumbfounded that Phillip seemed to have changed his mind. Earlier, Maleficent predicts that after 100 years in the dungeon he'll still go out to free Aurora. And not only that, this guy goes right from escaping the Forbidden Mountain to cutting down the thorns and trying to fight through a fricking Dragon to get at that girl. This is, of course, all evidence that Phillip is very much in love. This is also evidence that Phillip is one stubborn son of a bitch.



I am absolutely certain, from these traits, the lack of a curse placed on Phillip, and Hubert's appearance that Phillip also got gifts from the faeries.

"I give the gift of Beauty."

"I give the gift of Cheer."

"I give the gift of Courage."

"And I give the gift of Obstinance."

"Ah, yes... Thank you, Mistress Maleficent. That is just what I wanted in a son."

"Psst, Leah... leave her off the invite list when we finally have a child."

The Fairy Godstooges

In this corner, wearing the purple and black villain robes, hailing from the Forbidden Mountain, the reigning Champion of the Fairy Dueling circuit for SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS running! The Ruler of Rue! The Sovereign of Spite! The Queen of Mean HERSELF! The one! The only! The MAGNIFICENT... Maleficent!!!

And in this corner, wearing the red, green and blue... elderly... lady robes, hailing from the... Garden of.. Innocence, our challengers! The Witches of Wonder! The Steadfast Sweat--no, wait that's Sweet.. The Steadfast Sweethearts! The Helpers of.. Happiness? Who wrote this?

Eh, forget it. Meet Flora, Fauna and Merryweather.



These three are are the three Good Fairies who were invited to the christening (because they're somehow more fun and fashionable than freaking Maleficent? What the fuck? That's like inviting Carrot Top instead of Frank Sinatra), and who assist and direct Aurora and Philip's fates towards the necessary happy ending. They're very likable because they are well-intentioned, cute, and funny little old ladies. I believe most watchers initially write them off as sidekicks because they aren't the Prince or Princess, and they supply much of the humor in the movie, but the truth is these guys are our Protagonists. They are the ones with the power to challenge Maleficent, no one else can. Not the Princess, who is well-removed from the action during this. Not her parents, who are completely helpless during this whole mess. And not the Prince, who is heroic and lovable, but would have died a dozen times in the final sequence if not for Flora's magic. The majority of the movie follows the actions and viewpoint of the three Good Fairies, and though you're led to empathize and root for Philip and Aurora they aren't spotlighted and developed nearly as much as the four fairies. The entire story is Maleficent and these three trading magical blows. It's a duel. The Princess is Maleficent's weapon of choice, an emotional blow, while the Prince is a physical weapon that Flora, Fauna and Merryweather use. Flora arms the Prince, sends him to the tower, saves him from Maleficent's goons and landscape alterations, and enchants the sword (that she gave him) in the final scene. It's possible didn't even need to aim. Instead, he's aimed BY Flora after being picked up and loaded.

That's right, the Prince and Princess in this movie amount to a pair of dueling pistols, and the protagonists are actually the comic relief/mentor characters. Is it any wonder I love this film?

This is a serious underdog setup. These women are very powerful and good-natured beings, but they are so abysmally stupid it takes all three to stand against Maleficent. It's arguable they cause more harm than good to the royal family and the kingdom in the long run.

No, I'm not being too harsh. I love these characters, they are pleasant and friendly and great for a laugh without descending into Annoying Sidekick territory, but they are horrifically stupid and you can tell from the start. They state that they can only give one gift apiece, so naturally you'd think it better count. The first gift is given by Flora (the tall one in red), self-appointed leader and most idiotic of the group. She gives Beauty.

Now Beauty is a pretty stupid and frivolous gift to begin with. It is almost always only ever given to girls. (I think Flora also gave it to Philip, though.) To an extent it makes sense, because Beauty gives her family something to bargain with at least. A beautiful girl can fetch a husband with lots of land and increase the family's fame. Except Aurora's already fetched a husband, they appointed one the second she was born. So the little bit of usefulness from beauty is not so useful even in this case.

But no, in this case Beauty is even stupider than it sounds. Why?

Meet Aurora's mom.



Now there's a small chance she might look like her father, but really... was it really necessary to make absolutely certain of that beyond making her intelligent or lucky or superstrong or I don't know, invulnerable to sharp pointy objects like spindles?

So right away Flora lets us know that she's as dumb as a bag of rocks. The other two still follow her, possibly because she's the largest and the oldest. Flora does seem to have the most courage and responsibility of the group. She is just so unbelievably superficial, though. She may be the most powerful of the group (at least she's the one with the courage and ability to use her powers during a crisis), but she gives the gift of Beauty.

Fauna, in the green, might be the best of the lot. She's the quiet one of the group who likes children and taking care of others. She avoids conflict while Flora and Merryweather bicker in the background. She usually only speaks to try and calm one of the others down, encourage them or coo over babies and cooking and other sweet little old lady interests. I worry that if she hadn't been allowed to take care of Aurora she'd have stolen someone's baby and replaced it with a shape-changed rat. (Seriously, she tries to burp cake batter while she's reminiscing.) She gives a more sensible gift in song, which manifests as the standard Disney Princess superpower where you can attract animal minions and potential husbands with your Siren's voice. Snow White has her animal minions to find shelter for her, Cinderella gets mice to sew her dresses and Venus in Agents of Atlas can stop wars. Aurora just has the animals steal stuff.





Merryweather in the blue is probably the smartest of the group, but her temperament is akin to Buttercup of the Powerpuff Girls. (Come to think of it, Flora parallels Blossom and Fauna parallels Bubbles.) Not very good for leadership. She complains mostly. She's a bit cranky and always ready to mix it up with Maleficent. She blurts out in the first scene that the reason Maleficent wasn't invited was because she wasn't wanted (and again, why the fuck would you not invite her? She's got Style, wit, and the vindictiveness to fuck you over badly when you snub her), which can't possibly have helped matters. We never find out what she considers an appropriate gift for a newborn, because she's the one who has to cast the counterspell that mitigates Maleficent's death-curse to just a long sleep.

Filling out the hierarchy of intelligence in Sleeping Beauty, I'd put Fauna and Merryweather on the same rung, a step above Flora. Unfortunately, Flora is the leader because she takes initiative. She's always willing to do something, and it's usually something stupid. After they try to lessen Maleficent's curse, they have a little meeting and some tea. Flora's first idea is to turn the girl into a flower, because that's certainly less vulnerable than a little girl is. Ultimately they decide on Flora's second idea because no one else has anything to offer. See, rather than raise her in the palace surrounded by guards and living a life of luxury where she'll never find herself in the same room as spinning equipment, the safest thing according to Einstein here for Princess Aurora is to live as a peasant girl raised by the Three Fairy Godstooges in the middle of a forest where she can get into all kinds of shit. I suppose that wouldn't be so bad, if the girl was properly warned. But rather than tell her that someone wants to kill her and she needs to avoid Viking Vampire Batwomen, any form of magic that is glowing green, creepy looking ravens, and spinning wheels, they tell her NOTHING except not to talk to strangers.


How they intend for her to meet the true love who's supposed to break the spell if she's not allowed to ever talk to a stranger, or she's never to meet her intended husband until after the 16 year mark has passed I'm not sure. But this is the plan they go with, and apparently it's successful because Aurora makes it to the appointed day without being killed, found by Maleficent, or ever speaking to a stranger. Or at least anyone stranger than she is. (More on Aurora later.)

Of course, after 16 years of living as a mortal without magic, Fauna has never learned how to bake and Flora doesn't know how to sew a dress. And Aurora looks exactly like her mother except with a lighter shade of hair, so good use of a blessing, Flora.

Now Maleficent set a spell deadline of sunset on her 16th birthday. Flora's plan is to hide the girl until it's safe, and so far it's worked well. So, do they wait an extra day to bring her to the palace? Do they wait at least until AFTER dark to leave the cottage? No, they bring her to the palace about 30 minutes early so that Maleficent can lure her to a spinning wheel and get her by the deadline. Oh, and those idiots send her off alone to pick berries, and then leave her alone to cry, on the day that a sensible person would be watching her like a hawk because they've reached crunch time.

Not only that, they make it 16 years without using their magic and can't wait another fucking day before fighting over the color of a freaking dress and attracting the attention of Maleficent's pet raven.

Nevertheless, stupid as they are, they and Maleficent are the movers and shakers in the film. The humans can't do really anything. So Sleeping Beauty--the movie where the heroine spends not even 20 minutes awake during the film--turns out the be the movie in the Disney line that has the most active, powerful, and influential female characters. It has one hell of a female villain, and her true challenge comes not from the brave hero or the meek princess, but from three energetic female characters of equal power.



Not only that, they managed to develop and give screen time to the male love interest in this movie. He turns out to be one of the most likable and least douchey princes in the Disney line. Amazing what you fit in there without wasting all of your time on irritating sidekicks and princess angst.

The Magnificent Maleficent

One of the few light Disney movies in my horror-loaded DVD collection is Sleeping Beauty. I've been fond of this one since I was a little girl, even though the joke is that the heroine spends the entire movie asleep while the Prince does everything. But the makers of this movie found a way to remedy that and get the little girls in on the action in this story, and in doing so they created what must be the most memorable villain Disney ever produced: Maleficent.



I had a greater than average interest in fairy tales even for a little girl, but princesses never came close to the top three appealing aspects of fairy tales for me. My imagination as a child was ruled by a triumvirate of Fairies, Witches, and Dragons. (Cats came in fourth.)

Maleficent is a Fairy Witch who can turn into a Dragon, which has to be the Greatest Parlor Trick in History.

And she has Style. (I like Style.) Check out the Viking Vampire wardrobe. She's the Fairy Godmother from Hell and is not afraid to look the part. And on top of her black and purple super-batbitch ensemble, she's got green magic energy and a wicked looking pet raven on her wicked looking magic staff. And the makeup, from the eyeshadow to the lipstick it just screams Mistress of All Evil. It's so perfect. The sort of villain that makes you think "If I ever fall from grace I want to look like HER when I land." I don't know of anyone who as a little girl didn't freaking adore this character.



Her powers don't stop at Divine Fashion Sense. She can turn into into a dragon, teleport, call upon the powers of Hell, turn into a freaking dragon, send a frost, show the Prince a holographic light show, turn into a fricking dragon, blast people with green sparks, put people into a trance and compel them to do things like touch spinning wheels, oh and did I mention? She can turn into a fucking dragon!

The whole story happens because Maleficent, who apparently has a thing about being left out, isn't invited to a big party celebrating the birth of the local princess. All the other fairies get to go, but she didn't get an invite so she's pissed off, and so she decides to act out every nerdy girl's revenge fantasy and show up to scare the shit out of the popular kids. She gets in before the third fairy gives her gift, makes everyone horribly uncomfortable, forces them to admit she was purposefully uninvited, and curses the brat to die at the tender age of 16. In doing so, she freaks out the King, she freaks out the Queen, she prevents the third invited fairy from giving a proper gift (thus depriving the princess of two of the four gifts she would have been entitled to if Maleficent had gotten an invite--and no doubt Maleficent would have given one hell of an interesting gift if she wasn't pissed off), she scares the King so badly that he destroys every spinning wheel in the kingdom causing hardship for anyone who wanted to make clothing, and she sets it up so that the Princess isn't properly raised and trained as a ruler when she comes of age. And when the time comes to cause the curse, she manages to enact it, freak out the girl, traumatize the fuck out of the Prince she marries (watch him after the big battle, he's got a light smile but his eyes are really wide, and he doesn't want to explain anything that happened to his father--I think he's pretty shellshocked), and destroy a good amount of the scenery. All while looking fabulous beyond measure.

Not only that? She is apparently killed by falling down a cliff. She falls down a cliff and there's a scene where purple and black smoke rises up from the bottom and the Prince looks over the ledge to see not a big dragon body or a slender fairy witch body, but her cloak with a sword through. There is no body at the end of this movie. They even do a scary close-up on it. The woman physically transforms into flying creatures and green light, casts illusions, and teleports, but the other fairies act as if she's dead after falling down a cliff, sending a cloud of purple and black smoke upwards, and leaving no body. Idiots.



Now she does have some pitfalls. Turning into a dragon was scary and all, but if she really wanted to fuck up the Prince she'd have gone with a molten liquid, a choking gas, or some illusion to separate him from the fairy helpers (because she can change into gaseous and energy shapes). Flora saves Philip from several ranged attacks during the escape, but none of the Fairy Godstooges dare to directly counter Maleficent's spells, so this could been something they couldn't counter in time. She captures the Prince but doesn't kill him (in her defense, I suppose that some other destined true love might've popped up without him able to break the spell at some point, or some other fuckery would've saved him so he could save the day without her noticing--these are the rules of fairy tales, after all), and she leaves an axe in the freaking prison cell with him. Sure, she has him chained up so he can't reach it, but really all he has to do is ask one of those dumbass goblin guards to hand it to him and they probably will.

Oh yes, she has the dumbest Henchmen in Disney history. An army of dimwitted goblin soldiers that I believe joined the Air Force after she finally fired them. At least, I'm pretty sure I've worked with the idiot who was on patrol duty and missed the three brightly colored fairy women against the greenish brown landscape. These geniuses were told early on to look for a baby, and 16 years later they were still checking cradles.



Bad hiring practices and mild mistakes aside, as the hierarchy of intelligence in Sleeping Beauty goes Maleficent's at the top. She is very clearly smarter than anyone else in the movie, especially her trifold sparring partners: Flora, Fauna and Meriweather.



But more on these morons later.

Update to My Sentry Rant

A slight update to my post a few days ago.

It seems that outraged fans have pestered poor Mike Carey, the writer that's been handling Rogue the most, to the point that he answered them. On Facebook. (But we have a quote!)

Mike Carey: Wow. I need another cup of coffee.

Okay, guys, I'm going to comment here in a fairly circumspect way. I've responded to some of you in one-to-one message threads, and I'm going to ask you not to come back to me on this, because there won't be anything I can add.

As everybody knows, I try not to do ret-cons - and as I type that, my nose just ... grew by about a foot and a half. What I try not to do is "type 2" invasive ret-cons that erase things that are commonly supposed to have happened. I'm shameless about type 1 ret-cons, where stuff happened but you just didn't know about it until now. The whole of the Professor X incarnation of Legacy was made up of stories of that kind.

This is a type 1: it happened, because Rogue says on-panel that it happened. It was behind the scenes, invisible, and the chronology isn't clear, but it happened. Is it surprising? I think so. In terms of Rogue's behaviour in relationships, her sexual morality insofar as we can infer it, her personal history up to this point, this revelation is hard - on the face of it - to reconcile.

But as someone says above (sorry, thread is too long to find the reference again quickly) what we know is minimal, and we can fill in an infinite number of stories around these few details. There are ways it could have happened that would make sense. I won't be the one who tells the story of how it actually did happen, but I'm accepting that it happened and the story is there to be told.

Characters in a shared fictional space are created by a kind of consensus. Someone dreams them up and puts them onto the stage, but a whole lot of someone elses then fill in the blanks. When you get contradictions, or apparent contradictions, fans build their own conception of the character from the parts they like most or believe in most.

This is a dangerous and frivolous analogy, but look at the Bible. I'm an atheist, but I'm happy to acknowledge that there's a core of teachings in the Bible that vast numbers of people base their lives on - but crucially, it tends to be a different core for each of them. You take what makes sense to you, and you view the rest with some mixture of tolerance and caution.

I think you have to do the same with shared universes.

I hate that that's on Facebook so I can't exactly verify it, but I have no reason to distrust All Things Fangirl in this matter. It's good in that we won't see it referenced, but bad in that it stays in continuity and we won't ever see Rogue think about it, so if some weird writer comes along who likes the Sentry and this retcon... Well, it'll just seem even more out of left field.

I do just want to point out again that the problem isn't that Rogue's been with a guy other than Gambit, or that Rogue's been with a guy, or even that it's that jerk the Sentry. It's just that, as Carey notes, it doesn't suit her to have a romance that she actually went all the way with that she's never thought once about. Too much of her history is wrapped up in it. Especially with someone with implied immunity. If it had been a retcon involving a regular X-man she sees all the time (okay, not Kurt, that one would be way too creepy) and it was a temporary power loss... Or a villain like Magneto (it's pretty obvious why they wouldn't be together, and their breakup has been dealt with)... But yeah, this? Is stupid and infuriating.

Also, I've been reminded the same writer who wrote this piece of shit funeral special also wrote the Civil War special where that blockhead reporter told Captain America he was out of touch because he didn't watch American Idol or know what Myspace was. And the narrative in that book didn't say she was an idiot, it took Ed Brubaker to have Bucky say (without naming her) she was an idiot in Young Avengers Presents: Patriot.

Just like this funeral special didn't say that Cyclops and Johnny Storm were fucking gossips who should shut their fucking yaps or that Rogue was more upset about recent X-men events than about this guy we never saw her meet. Come to think of it, Cyclops? That's probably the most credible source for gossip you have on the X-men shy of Nightcrawler, and probably the very last person AFTER Nightcrawler to blab a secret.

So, to recap, according to Paul Jenkins the Sentry was an inspiration, a great guy, the best friend to everyone in the Marvel Universe, and the lover if it was impressive despite terrorizing and keeping his poor wife prisoner... and Steve Rogers was out of touch with the American People so he was wrong during Civil War.

Yeah.

Introducing: The Male Star Sapphire

Remember back when that hideous female Star Sapphire costume debuted and DC completely ignored our points about how horrible and sexist it and the entire Star Sapphire retcon was, but some of their artists acknowledged that the costume might not work for men because God forbid we see manflesh in comic books. (Shh, don't tell them about Hawkman or Namor.)

And how we all pointed out that it was stereotypical and fucking stupid that the Star Sapphire Corps that harnessed the energy of love was entirely female because not only does that box women into the sex class role, but it suggests that men are incapable of tapping into one of those basic seven emotions that Johns was pushing as the building blocks to all sentient life. (At least Ethan Van Sciver agreed on that)

Well, good news!

GREEN LANTERN #57
Written by GEOFF JOHNS
Art and cover by DOUG MAHNKE & CHRISTIAN ALAMY
1:10 White Lantern Variant cover by RYAN SOOK, FERNANDO PASARIN & JOEL GOMEZ
BRIGHTEST DAY continues as what readers have been asking for finally arrives: a male Star Sapphire in the form of the Predator. But how is this entity unlike the others? And what does it want with Carol Ferris? Meanwhile, the White Lantern is defended by an unlikely hero…
Retailers please note: This issue will ship with two covers. Please see the Previews Order Form for more information.
On sale AUGUST 25 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Yes, that's right! DC has decided to introduce a male Star Sapphire, and not only that--he's the Predator! Meaning he's hosting that big lizardy entity that lived in the violet power battery, the equivalent of Ion or Parallax.

So not only can men tap into love and harness it, this one is actually better that any woman who makes up the... um... Well, I bet Carol beats his ass. Let's check out the character design!



...

What?

So he gets to be more in touch with the Violet and more powerful than all the women, and he gets to be fully dressed. Not just fully dressed, but hosting the embodiment of love and lust--the thing that is causing all of these really gorgeous alien women to run around with practically no clothes on--and he's covered head to toe in black with only purple accents. Oh, and he gets macho silver armor.

And a macho name like the Predator.

Yeah, that's just...

Yeah, just...

...

Fuck you, DC.

Yeah, I know the Predator is from the 80s Green Lantern stories and has historically worn silver armor on his shoulders, but you know what? Star Sapphire used to look like this:



Don't give me any shit about the costume being traditional.

You know what, I give up. I don't even have the interest left to rant. I could do 3400 words yesterday on the Sentry because right now I'm enjoying a lot of Marvel's output so I can actually give a shit about what's going on in that universe, but I'm past that point with DC. I'm finally dropping Green Lantern, and I'm down to maybe two or three DC books now, and DC used to be 90% of my pull list. This is not a boycott reesulting from outrage or protesting anything. I'm not trying to send a "shape up" message to DC by dropping the books. I'm just losing interest in the DC Universe.

I used to love DC, I was fanishly obsessed with the metaplot. Green Lantern in particular was pretty fucking awesome right after Rebirth, and during Sinestro Corps War and the the buildup for Blackest Night. I was having a blast during those company crossovers. Infinite Crisis, Seven Soldiers (which was worthy of being called an epic, a rare trait in pop culture), ONE YEAR LATER, 52, the Wonder Woman relaunch, the new Blue Beetle, joy at each renewal of Manhunter, Final Crisis, even freaking Countdown (where I was watching Kyle Rayner, Donn Troy, and freaking Jason Todd play off each other--if only they'd kept Ryan Choi with them). I was just devouring everything at DC.

But they lost me.

They lost me about the time it became clear that White Lanterns weren't going to be just as inherently bad as Black Lanterns and the potential moral about extremes being a bad thing--that had been building up by showing how surrender to a single emotion, and complete lack of emotion were all BAD--dissolved. They lost me when they decided Wonder Woman would make the best Star Sapphire out of the JLA. They lost me when they replaced Cass Cain with Stephanie Brown, making it so all of DC's derivative female characters are suddenly identical out of costume. They lost me when Hal Jordan stopped being punished for being an asshole. (that first year after Rebirth was priceless for this, as was some of the Blackest Night buildup, so I put it actually in JLA: Cry for Justice when he's an out of character asshole while other books tell us he's the moral high ground). They lost me when they said it was okay that Hal and Ray and Ollie can torture criminals. They lost me when Lian Harper was offed to send Ollie Queen and Roy Harper down story-arcs we saw resolved in the fucking 70s. They lost me when whoever was editing Blackest Night either didn't read the script aloud, or was actually able to say "White Power Battery" (yeah, that'll bring some fun visitors to this blog) with a straight face. They lost me when Kendra got dissolved in favor of Shiera, completely invalidating all of Kendra's story arc about being a different person (written by the same fucking guy who just up and replaced Kendra with Shiera), and Ryan was shoved aside and then slaughtered so that we can have Ray fucking Palmer as the One True Atom.

So yeah, I'm beyond ranting here. Next time you see me outraged, it'll probably be about Rogue or Quicksilver again. It's going to be a while, I think, before I can recapture my Care about what DC's up to.

Forget Death, the Character Needs to Be Eradicated From Continuity *Spoilers*

(Update: There's a followup post with a Mike Carey quote.)

Spoilers Below

Only the Sentry could be such a gawdawful black hole of originality and creativity that the character would piss me off the most of all in a single page of his funeral issue.

For those of you not following the current Marvel metaplot, the Sentry was created years ago as an April Fool's Day joke that actually wasn't too terrible to read left alone, but that went horribly awry when a writer who shall remain nameless rescued the character from the annuls of Marvel Imaginary Stories (I mean, Imaginary-Imaginary not Real-Imaginary like we've been reading) and brought him into the Marvel Universe in all his insanity. To be fair, I suspect this writer brought him back because he originally intended to write the Scarlet Witch in a tragic fallen hero trilogy where the Marvel Universe mourns the death of someone who as once a friend who had to be destroyed for the good of the universe. Then sometime after Part I was published (and he'd committed himself to Part II) someone pointed out to this writer that the Scarlet Witch had fans (and possibly that the way he drove her insane didn't really fit into continuity but that may be giving Marvel too much credit), so he handed off the Scarlet Witch (and Part III, now her redemption arc) to a television writer who would put her at the bottom of his priorities list, and dug up the fucking Sentry as the new centerpiece.

I have no information that confirms this is the behind-the-scenes chain of events, but judging by the way the crossovers since Disassembled have lined up Siege would have been the natural fall/redemption arc of the Scarlet Witch since the whole mess was started with Disassembled and House of M. I also got the impression from Son of M and the corresponding fates of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch in the Ultimate Universe that they never intended to make Pietro Maximoff a heroic Avenger again (a Dark Avenger I could see, especially if Wanda's in the Sentry role). So without any inside information, I think Wanda being switched out for Bob is a fair conclusion, and honestly a charitable one because it suggests that this miserably clumsy insertion of Robert Reynolds into the Marvel Universe storyline and his seizing of not only the current metaplot but of every character's history and continuity was not intentional. It was them salvaging a storyline that could have been eyesearingly infuriating in all aspects, rather than fucking infuriating in one funeral issue. Specifically, one half-page of one funeral issue.

For those of you who missed my four-score-and-seven twitter posts ranting about it, I'm referring to this fucking page:



Yes, that's Scott Summers and Johnny Storm gossiping about Rogue and Sentry. Implying with the first question that she was in love with him, in the second that she fucked him, and in the last that they don't know when or how long the affair lasted.

(Full disclosure: when I first heard that Rogue lost a boyfriend, I was overjoyed because I thought Gambit was the next death in the X-men: Second Coming crossover event, and I hate Gambit. Then I discovered they had retconned in this relationship, I was enraged because not only were my dreams of Gambit's death shattered, but they had found the one character in the Marvel Universe besides Juggernaut that was an even worse choice to sleep with than Gambit.)

This page, which pisses me off beyond all words, perfectly illustrates exactly what is wrong with using the Sentry as part of the Marvel Universe proper. Rogue has apparently been fixed so that she can control her powers (good for her, but I'm not sure how long this will last), but she was originally a character built around an inability to experience physical intimacy. Her power means that she sucks the life out of anyone she touches, and it manifested when she got her first kiss. She has been a woman with a traumatic and miserable romantic life, and seemed to be consigned to the role of Marvel's Designated Perpetual Virgin. Because she's not celibate by choice, this has been a large source of angst, and is the driving source of tragedy for the character. It makes her romances tortured and fascinating. She was often put opposite energy fountain Gambit, because he might be able to generate enough to survive a kiss but she never wants to risk it. Sometimes she has been lucky enough to start seeing someone who can block her power, a force-field generator like Magneto or his clone Joseph, but even then it's never been made clear if they went anywhere.

The point is that since human contact was such a rare and idealized experience for Rogue, an event like the loss of her virginity is certifiably a Big Fucking Deal. It is a monumental experience for this character. It is her story more than anything else, because it is a moment that she has been denied all her life. It is a Rite of Passage that long boarded off to Rogue (with little detour signs leading to "Experience Prejudice", "Prove One's Valor in Combat", and "Absorb the Memories, Powers and Life Force of An Entire Other Person"), and she expresses the pain of that roadblock in every appearance. Breaking through that roadblock, whether it's through a temporary depowerment, or a forcefield, or a character powerful enough that she doesn't completely absorb him, is a major life experience for Rogue. It is something that should affect her for the rest of her appearances, making the event she can never experience now be something she misses and giving her a comforting memory when confronted by the cold reality that she can't even shake hands.

It is noteworthy enough that it deserves a three-issue mini-series with romance-novel style covers, a lush exotic locale, a tender build-up of affections and at the very least a soft silhouetted kiss then a fade to black. Then, most importantly, the fallout. The incredibly important reason why she did not stay with the person that could actually touch her every day for the rest of her life. Was it his choice or her choice? If it was his choice, how did she take it? If it was her choice, why? Because the reason for giving up the thing you want more than anything else in your life says a hell of a lot about what kind of person you are.

Even now that she can control her powers (again, not sure how long this will last before someone wants tragic Rogue back), the loss of her virginity is still an important event for her because physical intimacy is something that was denied to her so long. It is at the very LEAST something that needs to be covered in her own book and not any other character's. We're talking about the fulfillment of a lifelong dream of Rogue's here, something more special for her than the other character who might be involved for a laundry list of reasons.

But instead this event is implied not in any of Rogue's wistful memories, not in the most private thoughts that comfort her in her darkest moments, but in a half-page tribute to the Motherfucking Sentry.

A character that never thought twice about Rogue. A character who had a wife that he brought back to life after her death and kept prisoner in his tower because he couldn't stand the thought of anyone hurting her. A character who had an affair with a princess on the moon because I suppose that wife wasn't enough for him. But it's in HIS story that we learn about Rogue's earliest tryst. And not even from her, we find out from freaking Cyclops talking to the Human Torch. We don't know what she loved about him, besides the fact that this was a man and she could hug him (and really for Rogue it's perfectly understandable if that's all there was). We don't know what he saw in her, if she was just there and vulnerable or if he'd been attracted to her for a long time before they found out she could touch him. We don't know why they didn't stay together. (Except, maybe for the wife--or was this before the wife?) We don't know anything about this story except she could hug him and she told Cyclops they were together, on the way to the funeral. She never thought once about him in her own book since this happened, but now that he's dead--possibly the only man she's ever slept with/after all that angsting about not being able to even hug or kiss another person--she feels really awful.

This is a pivotal point in Rogue's life, where she experiences what she has been denied since her powers manifested--manifested and destroyed innocent dreams of a lifetime of romance and human closeness that had been forming at that very moment--this is the fulfillment of a lifetime of fantasies... and this moment is reduced to a punchline in order to glorify the adventures of the fucking Sentry.

And that is the ultimate problem with the motherfucking Sentry being shoehorned into the Marvel Universe. He becomes the Sun around which the rest of the Marvel Universe revolves. Forget every niche occupied by the characters of Marvel, those aren't their stories. Those are just backstories so that we can read about how wonderful the Sentry is! The Marvel Universe goes from being about the characters we love, the ones we love to read about, and becomes All About Bob.

Did you know Angel was once afraid to fly? Amazing, a mutant with wings being afraid of that. Surely, that's something to have overcome during his training under Professor Xavier, and an experience he can perhaps now recount to help guide a younger mutant to accepting their powers, right? Nope, it's something the Sentry helped him through and is now a memory of how awesome Bob is. Why? Doesn't add anything to Angel, but it has to be there for Bob because he has to have taught the X-men something early on, or he wouldn't have been a notable hero in the Silver Age. Warren overcoming his fears? All About Bob.

Did you know that Reed Richards had a best friend outside the Fantastic Four? Someone close to him that wasn't Ben, Johnny, or Sue--his FAMILY members? Why, it was the Sentry. so fucking perfect that one of the most standoffish men in the world was open to him. All of this bonding, of course, happened off-panel during the most important moments of Reed's life. You know, the moments we read that didn't have the Sentry in them. The moments where we watched him fight his own preoccupation with science and exploration to learn to socialize and appreciate his own family. The hundreds of little teamups where Tony Stark and Hank Pym slowly developed enough of a friendship with Reed that he would collaborate with them on large projects rather than just continue working on his own in his own little cubby-hole like he was always inclined to do. Don't get me wrong, Reed's not an unfriendly man or an extremely shy person, I actually consider him one of the more compassionate characters I've read--but he is incredibly self-absorbed and work-absorbed. Even Sue and Ben can barely get him to come up for air, so if he has a friendship outside of his small, insular group--a friendship where he would actually consider someone other than Ben his best friend--then it's something that built up over time and is a very big thing in Reed's life. It is something we find out about in Reed's story, not in that other character's story. But nope. It's only in Sentry stories and Sentry flashbacks that it comes up. Why? Because it's nothing to do with Reed. Nothing gets added to Reed because he was friends with the Sentry, and the Sentry was there during those moments. It's to show that the Sentry was smart, so smart he was friends with the smartest man in the world. And to show that the Sentry was a great hero that everyone was comfortable with off-duty too. Reed's friendship? All About Bob.

Did you know that Crystal slept with the Sentry? This, I suppose fits a bit. She likes temperamental, impulsive men with light coloring it seems. Of course, she doesn't remember the affair. He does. Why? Because the Sentry was there in the Silver Age, and he had to have gone to the moon. And what could he have done on the moon? Why, he can sleep with Crystal, because she's just some dumb slut, right? Not because she married too young and let two guys push her into choosing one or the other. Not because of her own insecurities or desires. Nope, doesn't matter why Crystal did it, because that romance (unlike the ones with Johnny, Pietro, Ronan, and the couple guys she slept with while she was married to Pietro) had nothing to do with Crystal's situation or storyline. It was because sleeping with a moon princess is just something a Silver Age hero does. Crystal's love life? All About Bob.

And of course, there's Rogue. Poor Rogue, starved for the touch of another person. Rogue who it turns out had her first full sexual encounter with none other than the Sentry. What led to this? How did she react? How did the realtionship end? Was there even a relationship? Who cares?! It doesn't matter what Rogue's role in this was, only that there was a void in her life and the Sentry filled it. Why? Because Rogue losing her virginity isn't about Rogue, silly. It's about how wonderful the Sentry was and how much we miss him! It's just one more throwaway moment in a list of moments of how awesome the Sentry is, how he saved everyone's lives and helped everyone do everything, and was the Supermanlike inspiration they needed because Captain America somehow just didn't cut it. Not only that, he is so amazing that not only did he have a romance with the X-men's poor chaste belle (as much as waypost, apparently, as teaming up with Spider-man, befriending Mr. Fantastic, and sleeping with Crystal), but he actually fucked her which not even Gambit or Magneto can seem to pull off. He got the the prize, folks, and what is possibly the most desired experience in Rogue's life? You guessed it, All About Bob.

Now, if I'm right in being charitable and the whole point of this was that the writers and editors at Marvel original wanted to use a character who was actually a hero during the Silver Age and had the impact already, well good for them for not killin off an actual character. But dammit, there's a right and a wrong way to introduce a new character to the universe.

Strangely enough, the very writers who brought back the Sentry is the one who did it the right way. See Alias, the series that introduced Jessica "Jewel" Jones-Cage to Marvel readers a few years back. Jessica was a former superhero with a Silver Age era origin. She was a classmate of none other than Peter Parker, and had a little thing for him. She fantasized about the Human Torch before she got her powers. She had a bad run-in with a Daredevil villain that led to a single adventure with the Avengers and a lifelong friendship with Carol Danvers/Ms. Marvel. She knew Luke Cage, and eventually married him and had a child with him.

This was an incredibly subtle retcon, a million times more restrained than the Sentry. Jessica had a Silver Age tie to Spider-man, but he didn't know she was alive. (In New Avengers, when she brings it up, he vaguely remembers her as "coma-girl".) She never met the Human Torch or the Fantastic Four during her brief time as a hero. When the Avengers rescued her from the Purple Man and offered her a slot on the team, she turned them down and retired. The ones who remembered her remembered her as a hero who retired after some tragedy, but not as anyone who made a huge impact on their lives. Carol's friendship slips between the panels because Jessica was out of costume the whole time, and Carol was usually in a team book. It worked that she had a civilian friend off-panel we hadn't met. It worked that one of Peter's classmates became a superhero, then retired. It worked that Luke Cage had met her sometime in the interim and they dated. She didn't take over these characters pasts, and their important life moments didn't suddenly become background to Jessica's story. She slowly joined their lives, a little bit at a time, with small things in the past that we reasonably wouldn't have seen.

But they didn't go subtle with the Sentry. They went all out, and shoved him into every book possible. He had a tie to every character in the Marvel Universe that was presented to the readers as fully formed and functional, a tie we never got to see formed even though we'd been watching the rest of these characters grow into the people they are for years. We were just introduced to this guy, Bob. We were told he was a great hero everyone loved but tragically were forced to forget, and then we watched quickly lose his mind while everyone discussed what a great guy he was. There was no restraint. This was all-out assault strategy, where they shoved him everywhere and gave him every Silver Age experience we can come up with. It was like they brainstormed for a session or two and just ended up using it all so the heroes would love him.

Which of course is why so many readers hate him, and why so many of us would love to just forget him. This leads us to a problem with Rogue and Sentry. Chris asked me what was so bad about it, aside from the storytelling technique sucking, and I gave him a few paragraphs worth of ranting about it. His response? "Got it. Fans want to see Rogue lose it."

And here's the thing: He's absolutely right. Fans want to see Rogue lose it. We're rooting for Rogue romantically, for her to get what she really wants and to control her powers or at least find someone who isn't affected by them. We don't want her to wind up alone, and we want to be there with her when she attains some closeness with a human being. I'm not saying we want a XXX-rated X-men special showing every detail of her first night. But we want to at least see the guy, the attraction, the gentle connection forming, and the kiss before they cut to another scene. We don't want to find out that the entire relationship happened off-panel in a book about a character no one really likes but dammit, Marvel really wants us to accept as part of the world.

We want to be there for Reed's growth as a person, and watch him open his heart to his family and friends. We don't need to find out his best friend and confidante has been there all along, off-panel, in some character we never met and never bought as a character in the Fantastic Four.

And we really, really, don't need Crystal to be fucking guys that don't feed her storyline. Because much as I dislike Crystal, her romantic links are all she has in character history and they are her choices and about her life, and giving them to the Sentry is just plain shitty.

And most importantly of all? The Marvel Universe doesn't need a cheap Superman knockoff to inspire them. They have Captain America and the original Human Torch to inspire them. We don't need a guy who's better at that than them, is every male character's best friend and mentor, and who manages to fuck every desirable woman in the universe.

And as much as there are certain moments I want to read about involving these characters, I'd rather not read these moments using some new character that I already hate because for years he's been shoved into the backstory of all our old favorites no matter where he fits properly because they need his death to count for as much as possible. It's for the best that these moments be written using the relationships that have come about naturally in the character's own story paths through their own books and crossovers with supporting characters and guest stars that fit into that world without taking it over or overbearing the people who don't really care for them at first.

So for the love of all that's good and holy, let's close this as the last chapter on the Sentry, bring back the Scarlet Witch as a hero, and forget any of these important life events were ever connected--let alone attributed--to this incredibly uninteresting character.

Happy Mother's Day!

--From 1996's Uncanny Origins: Quicksilver

WHAT?!

Emphasis added by me

We had originally planned to do sequels for Wonder Woman [but] sales started out extremely slow and then over time were eventually able to catch up to probably Justice League Frontier. The execs decided because it wasn’t able to sell quickly right away, where as Justice League was, that there wouldn’t be any more female super hero films right now. We were developing and hoping to get started on a batgirl film based on Year One, but because of Wonder Woman’s slow sales start, that won’t be happening now.

Not this shit again.

For those of you who were also unaware of this.

On the occasion of my birthday I cleaned rifles, packed tents, and participated in the following IM exchange:

Chris: Is there really MRE birthday cake?

Chris: Because that sounds like the Saddest Thing.

Ragnell: It IS

Ragnell: The pound cake, and then you mix the hot cocoa mix with only a little bit of cold water to make icing

Chris: Does it say something horribly depressing on the package?

Chris: CAKE (BIRTHDAY)

Ragnell: And you get a pack of matches, so you can stick one in the top for a candle but it's advised against because fire gives the enemy your position.

Chris: oh my god.

Ragnell: Umm.. it says either "Lemon poppyseed pound cake" or "marble pound cake"

Ragnell: And the cocoa says "Chocolate Beverage Base"

Ragnell: You have to trade for the cocoa sometimes, or the cake, but most people are cool enough to do so for your birthday

Chris: oh god i'm going to cry

He was not cheered up when I told him you could warm it up with the little heater baggie thing.

I double-checked, though, and the cocoa actually says COCOA BEVERAGE POWDER.

And for the record, the cocoa is armyproof:

DIRECTIONS FOR USE: ALLOW WATER JUST CHEMICALLY PURIFIED TO STAND 30 MINUTES BEFORE ADDING TO BEVERAGE POWDER. TEAR POUCH AT NOTCHES. OPEN ZIPPER, ADD 6 OZ WATER (1/4 CANTEEN CUP) TO FILL LINE. CLOSE ZIPPER. SHAKE TO MIX. SINGLE USE ONLY.

(Those exact words are on the DAIRYSHAKE POWDER, VANILLA package, except with CONSUME PROMPTLY (WITHIN 1 HOUR) added.)

All joking aside, MREs are an incredibly social food. Most contain an entree, a sidedish, a dessert, a snack, and a drink. Only one or two of these things will be edible to you (or you've gotten the only meal that anyone seems to feel is entirely good: The Chilimac. This is an anomaly, also no good for me because I don't like the entree--everything else on the menu rocks, though), the rest will either be disgusting or something you personally hate. You can, if you're hungry enough and alone, give up on your pickiness and just eat what you get. But I believe part of the point of the MRE (or an important side effect, since the main point was probably to make a meal that you could quickly eat a little bit of, work or get into a firefight, and then eat a little more of when the action dies down without it spoiling or spilling) is to build unit cohesion by forcing you to sit with the rest of your flight and trade food pouches to build an edible MRE (unless you got the cheese omelet, then you're shit out of luck. Though you probably will attract a crowd as it is such a legendarily disgusting entree that people will want to see your face when you eat it.)

I'm not exactly a people person, but I am a master at trading to mix and match the perfect field meal. The trick is in the candy. Everybody wants candy, so they're willing to trade the best beverages and the best snacks for a package of M&Ms or Reese's. This enables me to stock up on the beverage base mixes (they're basically Gatorade, which is a big deal for me when I'm worried about dehydration but so sick of drinking nothing but water) the WHEAT SNACK BREAD, which isn't sweet or interesting tasting, but is fortified with a ton of nutrients, is convenient to carry around and eat piece by piece over an hour of so, doesn't crumble as easily as the crackers, and mysteriously cures helmet headache.

My point is I don't care what the Captain says, I'm actually pretty smart. I figured out how to make a bacon cheeseburger this exercise.

The Tragedy Here Was the Marriage, Not the Divorce

I'll level with you right away that my first exposure to Pietro as a romantic hero was Age of Apocalypse. He had a sweet romance with that universe's Storm, and it really got me on the side of the character. I sought him out in X-men, in Essentials reprints, and in his own series during the 90s. There was something absolutely engaging about this woobie fanfic mode Draco Malfoy living Luke Skywalker's life at superspeed, so I ended up devouring any appearance he made in anything. I ended up really fond of him, his sister and his little daughter before I ever read anything with his wife.

Then I finally met Crystal in X-Factor back issues. There's a story where Pietro tries to mend his marriage by going to a little log cabin. External forces take pictures of Crystal sleeping with another man, and Pietro's approached by a shadowy PI type who shows them to him. he gets mad at the guy, denies the thing, but goes back to the cabin in a foul mood. He doesn't tell her what's wrong, and Crystal ends up crying and leaving early. I remember thinking at the time the pictures were forged and Pietro would eventually see the truth and feel horrible, and that he was in the wrong.

Then I read more of Crystal. The whole reason for the marriage breaking up was her having an affair, and there's the implication she's actually a serial cheater (and you know what, I'm not interested enough in Crystal to track down all the instances of her romantic tension with characters who aren't Pietro and analyze them for whether or not she slept with the guy just to quibble it out with Crystalfans on the internet. I'll do that for Sue Storm and Reed Richards in an online argument, but Crystal met Pietro while she was linked to Johnny, and she's got at least one established affair during the marriage, and from that point on any plot with her and Pietro either revolved around Luna or that threat that she would have another affair.) This didn't make me HATE her, but it did make me think that this was pretty doomed marriage as she had already broken the trust and a major character trait for her husband was that he didn't trust easily.

Aside from that, she just didn't interest me. She was flat, sweet, smiling and had a temper for the purposes of the plot. She seemed to exist to fret over the baby, and give Pietro a reason to act like a dick. Crystal didn't even fit the wife role very well before the writers decided to break up the marriage, because she was never as entertaining in a scene with her husband as his own sister was. She was never as entertaining in a scene with her husband as his brother-in-law was. Crystal just didn't compliment Pietro like Vision complimented Wanda. Vision and Wanda had opposite temperaments, but similar values and histories (Ultron is a mechanical Magneto, after all). Vision and Wanda shared their troubles and triumphs, and smoothed out each other's weaknesses with their strengths (Vision's logic and self-control to Wanda's emotion was traditionalist, but they suited each other). Crystal's flaws only amplified Pietro's flaws, which amplified Crystal's flaws. Their backgrounds were too different. Crystal was a princess and Pietro lived much of his life as a poor outcast criminal; and Crystal was a alien woman, a modern creature of science from the moon while Pietro was a gypsy boy with a witch sister from a fairytale mountain. Opposites attracting is a fine story when we have a common thread in the wildly different settings, but Pietro and Crystal didn't share enough of the "human experience" within those settings to bond over like Vision and Wanda did with their respective fathers, origins, and treatment from the outside world.

The marriage seemed like an editorial directive to free up Johnny Storm and get Wanda's overprotective brother out of the picture while Vision wooed her. Pietro's reasoning seems to have been that she was the first woman he ever got close to. I think Crystal just liked the old-fashioned romance at first. Really, though, I didn't want her to die but I wanted that marriage over with for good so that Pietro could have a new love interest.

I only hated her after Son of M. There's a scene where he gets jealous because she gets a flower from someone else, and I think he even hits the guy. Now, if I didn't know the history to this marriage, I'd say that Pietro was insane dick that she should dump and no one should ever date here. And if it were any other marriage at Marvel, and we saw T'Challa getting told off by Storm, or Scott by Jean, or Reed by Sue... Yeah, I'd side with Storm, Jean, or Sue because while the latter two have tension with other guys, none of them have done anything to justify jealousy. Hell, I'd side with Crystal, even, if her reaction was "Can't you control yourself? You're overreacting! He didn't mean anything, and it was just one mistake and you can't ever seem to let it go!" instead of what it was, which basically amounted to "You're a backwards human who isn't as enlightened as us. Stop acting like you own me. That's why the marriage didn't work out." CRYSTAL who actually had an affair and gave Pietro plenty of reason to be jealous, calls him "primitive" and possessive and basically lays the blame for the marriage not working out at his feet when the cause of the tension is her not keeping her word to be monogamous. Basically, she regards him as a caveman and feels she's never done anything wrong in this whole fiasco when she's the one who is OATHBROKEN at that point. Like many fans, she puts herself up as blameless and enlightened, when SHE broke the marriage contract. It comes off as her REALIZING she can't hold to the marriage contract, but saying "fuck it, I can do what I want because I'm an enlightened being and he is an asshole if he expects me to hold to it." Hell, under Hine all of the Inhumans look down their noses at him, and treat him as an irrational lower life form.

To make matters worse, the way Son of M unfolds I'm supposed to sympathize more with her because she's in the right when it comes to Luna, but I'm too busy being pissed off at her condescending attitude towards her ex-husband after all her bullshit to care about her anxiety as a mother. It would be different if they'd well and truly ended the marriage before like they did in Silent War, because they were such a bad match but they kept trying over several freaking decades to fix it so it came off very badly.

Honestly, she's supposed to be the sympathetic party in Silent War too but all I could think was "He's incredibly sick and needs someone to just grab him and toss him in Detox, and you are the only family around who can DO that right now since the rest are depowered/having a breakdown herself" but she cuts him loose THEN of all times rather than ending it during the several years when they knew it wouldn't work but he's strong enough to handle it and move on. She just kicks him to the curb. And it's irrational, because she's in the right to annul the marriage and I've been wanting them to divorce the two for years but this just served to get me pissed at her. Really, they need to catch him and toss him into detox and she just makes it so he HAS no one. But oh, she tried to make the marriage work because she LOVED him so much back when he wasn't in real trouble. That's probably also the fault of Son of M because that's she went from merely uninteresting to awful to me.

I'll admit that Abnett and Lanning redeemed her quite a bit to me. I've read some of Realm of Kings, searching for Lorna and Pietro, and they've managed to upgrade her from hateful to irritating. I still don't like Crystal, I don't want to read about Crystal, and I sure as hell don't want to read about Pietro and Crystal married anymore. She's probably a better wife for Ronan, and he's probably a better husband for her than Pietro. (Pietro would be a better husband for a lot of women than Crystal.) I do feel bad for her when she finds out about the Lie, and I side with her if she socks him in the face when he tells her. He deserves it for the Lie. But if she pulls this "You are so primitive, and this avoiding responsibility and openness is what caused our marriage to fall apart" bullshit, she loses that. It's good to see with her calling Pietro on bullshit, but when the blame is laid entirely at his feet and he's labeled as a "bad husband" to a "good woman" when really it was just an unsuitable marriage, I've got issues with that.

Maybe I'd side if there were something in her character I could relate to. But she's always been just generic and sweet with a hint of temper. She's no doormat, true, but she doesn't have anything going for her as I see it.

Add to that that in multiple Alternate Universes, Pietro is paired with the infinitely more interesting/likable Storm and shows none of the negative traits that feed his marital tension with Crystal. On the contrary, with Storm he's a sweet and devoted romantic hero. There's major differences in personality there, and while Pietro is more grounded and controlled in Age of Apocalypse, for example, he's also with a partner who never broke his trust, and I believe that's the bigger difference.

I don't want Crystal dead. That would suck, because then someone would bring her back to life and Luna would be sad. But the marriage was simply a bad match. They don't truly suit each other like Vision and Wanda did, and the big part where they differ (fidelity) is a dealbreaker for Pietro. Pietro married the first woman ever interested in him, and Crystal married the guy who seemed more stable than the Human freaking Torch. She needs someone less temperamental who can deal with an open marriage. He needs someone monogamous and modern, but who isn't condescending to him over his being old-fashioned. He needs a woman with a logical, stable outlook who controls her emotions, a female version of the old Vision, really. Someone who won't break his trust, and if the storyline happens that he thinks she's cheated it'll be revealed as a villain hoax and he can beg for forgiveness and she can forgive his flaws. He needs someone who can be his rock, really, like Vision was Wanda's rock. And even with all her strengths highlighted, Crystal's too soft and flighty to be the rock in a relationship. The best thing to come out of Silent War (even though it made me mad at Crystal and was set up to put the blame for the end of the marriage entirely on Pietro even though Crystal's the one who dissolved the bond to begin with) was they finally got the divorce, and it just needs to stick.

Update: Oh, Crystal. This is pretty low.