The Man With The Screaming Brain

Well, I still haven't gotten my comics for this week yet. To alleviate boredom, I've been trolling the blogs, but avoiding reviews. Everybody and her sister seems be talking about violence against women lately.

I am nothing if not fashionable, so today I'm going to look closely at one particular instance:

Tatoya from The Man With the Screaming Brain
(I never saw the film, but there's spoilers ahead for the comic)

In one scene, Tatoya is cornered in the sewer by our protagnist. He's pretty angry, and she's out of weapons, so she falls back on an old standard.

"You would hit a woman?"

Now, I will say right off I think Tatoya's a pretty kickass villainess. When she's introduced, we see her force a sharp knife through a man's back. That's not easy to do, requires a lot of physical strength. She goes on to murder several people, violently, and show the level of reflexes and agility any marine would be proud to have.

She's a little short on common sense, though, as evidenced by the above quote.

She's asking this of a guy she's murdered (technically) twice, ran over in a car, attempted to light on fire, falsely accused of rape (I'd just like to point out that I despise this tactic in any story by any character, and move on) in order to get him beaten to death, and of course, killed his wife (also, twice).

And she has the gall to say -- "You would hit a woman?"

"You would hit a woman?"

"You would hit a woman?"!?!

!

I understand that I am an evil and bloodthirsty, and often opportunistic person. So, I should empathize with Tatoya. I should not want to see her hurt.
I further understand that violence against women is a very real problem, and is no laughing matter. I am aware that accepting it's portrayal without protest is silently condoning a very very big and disturbing problem.
I have the utmost respect for the rights of domestic violence victims, the continued secret subjugation of women in modern society, oppressed women around the world, my long-suffering foremothers, the villification of the Great Goddess, the demonization of feminity, and the difficulties still felt by women trapped in male-dominated family structures.

But, for the future of humanity, any man who would have been stopped by Tatoya's comment after this impressive demonstration of her most dangerous skills needs to be drowned in the gene pool.

Last Week's Last Lines

Well, snow on the roads kept me from the LCS today ("But, aren't you originally from Pennsylvania?" the clerk asked when I called him to pull the books, "Yes," I answered, "and I hated driving in the snow there too!" That and nobody in Oklahoma can drive on a clear day, so it's certainly not worth the risk in a snowstorm), and fear of spoilers keeps me from roaming the message boards tonight, so I figured I'd do a few reviews since I haven't done so in two months.

Naturally, I'll be basing my opinions on the most important line of the issue -- the one the writer leaves you with. So, Spoilers ahead -- but they are all for last week.

Jonah Hex #1 -- Now he wasn't so sure.
A beautiful piece of narration that captures the mood of the entire story. Also a testament to not judging a comic by the first page. I glanced at the first page in the comic book store, and put it back. Too heavy on the narration, I thought to myself, I'd better just save my three dollars. However, after the tenth positive review I saw on line, I figured I'd give the first book a shot. I'm glad I made it to the last page this time.

Plastic Man #19 -- Turn me so I can see.
If you read this book, you would understand the joke. So, if you're not laughing, shame on you for killing this title.

JLA: Classified #14 -- Ukk!
Ah, the unmistakable sound of a Green Lantern getting kicked in the face. For some reason, physical violence against Lanterns really cheers me up. I think it has something to do with the sheer amount of power they command. There's something satisfying in seeing one get knocked out by a lamp, or dropped with a single punch, or have to grapple for his life.
Of course, I'd have enjoyed it more if it hadn't taken four issues to get to this point. That's what off about this arc, it's just too slow. I was really pleased to see this lineup in JLA:Classified #10 (the best issue of the arc so far), but my nostalgic expectations were set too high. It's not the plot, the dialogue, the mood, the art (although I don't like Butch Guice's Kyle, too old), it's just the pacing. And it's not even that so much as the pacing compared to the usual hyperactive pacing associated with this lineup. The plodding speed would have been acceptable with the Detroit group, or Jones' league, or the satellite league, or even the most recent lineup -- but any version of the Justice League with Kyle Rayner in it demands faster pacing and considerably more action. I know Warren Ellis wants to hang a little cloud of Impending Doom over everyone's head here, but it just doesn't fit these people. I find myself disliking this arc through no real fault of the writer, other than a poor choice of casting. This is a shame, because I know Ellis is capable of approaching Morrison and Kelly action levels. I think if he'd written this more like Transmetropolitan or Authority and less like Planetary or Fell more people would be satisfied.

Fell #3 -- No charge for the suit.
A slight smile at the end frames an overall enjoyable read. Like the book itself, it's simple on the surface but substantial when you look into it.

Seven Soldiers: Frankenstein #1 -- Frankenstein Lives!
Morrison has written much snappier dialogue.

Seven Soldiers: Zatanna #4 -- My stepmother's about to invade the earth. I thought of you.
Like here.

The Flash #228 -- ...I've made some progress.
No, you haven't. This current plot has done nothing to make you seem any more dangerous. You are still a cheesy villain who will get his butt kicked. The only reason you did so well is that the Flash is acting remarkably stupid right now as he coasts towards cancellation. If Wally dies this crossover, it won't be in this storyline.

Daredevil #79 -- I think you should tell them were your friend is or I do believe they will put you in jail.
I remember when I first started reading this book. I loved Bendis writing. He makes monologues sound like a real person ranting, as opposed to a prepared, scripted speech. There was something very raw and unusual about it. Of course, like most of my romantic relationships, my love affair with Bendis' writing was doomed to fade. With constant exposure, love turned slowly to mere like, then to utter annoyance. After a while I noticed every character spoke in ranting monoloques and no action ever actually occurred. This line is a perfect Brian Michael Bendies last line. Long, wordy, pretends to urgency, but falls flat after the fourth or fifth issue that ends with a similar note.

Captain Atom: Armageddon #2 -- I'm going to tap into some real power.
This final panel promise of fun ahead bodes well for the next issue. This is better than any cliffhanger. Nobody should be surprised at Capt. Atom's plan of action, but everyone should be looking forward to the results.

Candidate Embarks Upon 2008 Campaign Trail

Not to be outdone by Lex Luthor, General Zod has announced his candidacy for the 2008 Presidential elections. This announcement, though early, came at a calculated time, as Kryptonians are proving to be the fastest growing minority in the United States. A recent poll by Gallup reveals a four hundred percent increase in the Kryptonian population since 1990. When asked about the constitutional rule that only native-born citizens could assume the office of the presidency, General Zod had this to say:

"Silence, you pathetic weakling. The United States was the first country on this planet that I set foot on, which is good enough for your meaningless document. Any judicial officials who dare to disagree will be dealt with accordingly."

So far, General Zod is the only candidate to officially throw his hat in the ring this early. Former President Lex Luthor held a press conference on Thurday morning announcign his intentions to run again, despite his public falling out with Superman. Luthor withdrew from the race that very same afternoon, stating that his commitment to the murder of Superman is far too time-consuming at this point.

Darth Vader was unavailable for comment, but maintains a strong enough following to take him past the primaries, if not to the Oval Office itself.

Finally, the increase in nightmares experienced by sensitive psychics indicate Cthulu as a possible candidate again. Chthulu reputedly blames his previous running mates, Nyarlathothep and Johnny Sorrow, for his past failures. Political Analysts expect him to pick the Goat of the Woods With a Thousand Young for a running mate, in order to increase his approval rating among women and parents.

More Green Lantern Fun: Qwardian Television

BAWBB BAHRKUR (Looks like Jim Carrey): Thank you, and welcome back to "Wicked Awesome!" -- the show where real-life villians tell you their stories of their evil exploits, and you, the audience, vote for the Best of the Worst! Our next contestant is old favorite who we thought was dead, but he proves you can't keep a bad man down. And this is a man so bad, the first thing he told us when he got to Qward was that we're not evil enough!! Hailing from the positive matter universe of Drawq -- let's hear it for Sinestro!

(Cheers from the audence, as Sinestro walks onto stage,smiling and waving. He blows a few kisses before he stands next Bawbb)

BAWBB: Welcome back, Sinestro!

SINESTRO: Delighted to be back, Bawbb.

BAWBB: So, Sinestro, tell us about your evil plan to destroy the Guardians of Drawq.

SINESTRO: Well, it turns out the Guardians of the positive matter universe have more than a few skeletons in their closet so to speak. It turns out that the infamous "yellow impurity" of the Green Lantern power rings isn't so much a design flaw, as a sentient creature.

BAWBB: Oh, come on!

SINESTRO: I'm serious, Bawbb. The Central Power Battery on their homeworld of Oa was not created to power their minions. It was created as a prison! And it housed one of the worst entities of both universes -- a creature of living fear known only as Parallax!

BAWBB: Wow, can we get a picture of Parallax for everybody. (Picture appears on screen) My, he's... a big yellow bug monster.

SINESTRO: Who controls minds!

BAWBB: Well, that's somewhat impressive.

SINESTRO: Don't worry, it gets better.

BAWBB: I hope so.

SINESTRO: If you remember, my arch-nemesis in the positive-matter universe is the Green Lantern of Sector 2814, Hal Jordan. He was a pupil of mine until he turned on me at my trial. As a result, I was demonized, and shunned bymy own people. Even now, on my homeworld of Korugar, my name is used in stories to frighten small children at night, or as an insult teenagers use to their parents when they rebel.

(Audience cheers)

BAWBB (Winning Smile): Well, that's truly impressive, but you know the rules, Sinestro, prior bad acts are inadmissable! Only the scheme in question!

SINESTRO (Gives Bawb the "I'd like to freeze you in carbonite and punt you into a black hole" look): Of course. Anyway, I decided to do that same to Jordan. I awoke Parallax, who naturally looked for a Lantern to corrupt and break him loose. I pointed him in Jordan's direction. Slowly he corrupted Jordan, filled him with fear. And, when his hometown of Coast City was destroyed--

BAWBB: And how did you destroy Coast City?

SINESTRO: I didn't. Someone else disintegrated it.

(Sounds of disapproval from the audience)

SINESTRO: Again, we still haven't gotten to the best part! Bear with me (Audience quiets down) Once his hometown was destroyed, his defenses went down. Parallax lured him to Oa where he destroyed the Central Power Battery, killed his best friend, and caused all but one of the Guardians to commit suicide!

(Audience applauds and cheers)

BAWBB: A truly evil plan, Sinestro! But let's see what our audience says.

(A vote talley appears onscreen)
Gypo-Bax 88
Sinestro 92
Gny-Gryngg 52
Borbrydi 50
Karo-Thynn 44

BAWBB: 92, that puts you in the lead! And puts us at an advantage, if there are no longer any Green Lanterns. We can invade the positive matter universe without worrying about--

SINESTRO: Oh, well, there are Green Lanterns again.

BAWBB: Really? But with no Power Battery..

SINESTRO: It was rebuilt.

BAWBB: The Guardians are all dead.

SINESTRO: They've been reborn.

BAWBB (Attempts to look on the bright side): But Jordan is still under Parallax's influence...

SINESTRO (Visibly annoyed by this train of questioning): He shook it.

BAWBB: And set Parallax loose on reality?

SINESTRO (Shakes head): Back in the battery.

BAWBB (Laughs): But your arch-nemesis still killed his best friend!

SINESTRO (Deep breath): He got better.

BAWBB: Well, surely some bad still remains. Did your scheme have any lasting effect at all?

SINESTRO (Thinks it over carefully): The Guardians now have an extremely unpredictable and imaginative Senior Lantern who is especially resistant to mind control, that they likely wouldn't have even considered hiring if the last Guardian hadn't been driven to desperation by Jordan's rampage.

BAWBB: I see.

SINESTRO: But it would have all worked if he hadn't found out about Parallax. But, I suppose being the only Green Lantern at the point all the history was just attracted to him.

BAWBB: If he was the only one, why didn't you kill him?

SINESTRO (Defensively): Well, it would have attracted the attention of the last Guardian, who didn't realize Parallax was out and about.

BAWBB: I see, so you caused them to go from 3600 Lanterns, to 1, to 3600--

SINESTRO (Need to be right completely overwhelms desire to win): 7200. They're doubling in size, so that they can keep an eye on each other.

BAWBB (Stares at Sinestro, then conjures his winning smile again): Well, lets talley up the votes again!

(Numbers scroll on the on-screen vote talley, giving us a new score)
Gypo-Bax 119
Sinestro 1
Gny-Gryngg 67
Borbrydi 70
Karo-Thynn 69

BAWBB: And the final winner is: Gypo-Bax, for poisoning the water supply of mobile Ranxx City with his fiendish techno-virus! Thanks to him, all of the citizens are now part of a mechanical hive-mind, and totally evil!

(Gypo-Bax walks onstage to claim his prize money, presented to him by the beautiful and cruel Vehnha Black)

BAWBB: Well, I'd like to congratulate Gypo-Bax and the sentient City of Ranxx on their victory. I'd also like to thank all of our contestants, and our sponsors: Happy Harry Hitler's Haunted Haberdashery, The Power Posse, Ming's Worlds of Weapons, and Walt Disney Productions! I'd also like to once again welcome Sinestro back to the Universe of Qward. (Puts his arm around a sullen Sinestro) Is there anything you'd like to say, Sin?

SINESTRO (Low voice): I would have won if it weren't for that meddling kid.

BAWBB: Well, you should have killed him then. Goodnight, folks!

On Snarkification

I figured I'd wait to post until my ill-will had died down, but it hasn't.

And I should be happy. I have a cat. I have numerous comics. I have numerous comics that feature Hal Jordan getting hit on the head. I have a shift with little to no managerial inference. I have found nearly all of Morrison's JLA in trade at this point. I'm rereading Over Sea, Under Stone. I have a raise with my promotion. I have Democracy! I get along with my mother again. I have working heat. I am surrounded by humor. I'm in a good place spiritually. I am no longer living in the 90s. I gave to charity. I have nicely chilled custard. I have a Superman movie to look forward to. I have a job that allows me to actually work on the aircraft. I have cool music in the car for bad traffic. I have co-workers that I like. I have good tires. I had a Thanksgiving where I didn't fight my family -- or did I? I spent so much time drunk it's hard to tell. Anyway, something's making me spew perfectly awful, catty, cruel comments all over the net.

Why, yes, they are usually about Jade. Have you been following?

Anyway, there are three things I must do now to handle this feeling.

The first task is to accept that I am feeling bitchy lately. And I am.

For the second task, I must explore this feeling and its reasoning.

Maybe it's the the phase of the moon or the coming winter?

Maybe returning to work from vacation? No, I was pleasant and kind at work (although, in my old office I used to channel my poor attitude into customer service) today. I even found myself defending a supervisor I truly disliked before to the guy who replaced my old job.

Too much nicely chilled custard? No, you can never have too much nicely chilled custard. It's homemade!

Maybe it has something to do with Green Lantern Corps: Recharge #3 being delayed. Could Kyle Rayner be responsible for my sanity?

Most likely I'm especially vicious for lack of a true life target. In nearly every other office there has been "The Woman I Hate." I only work with one other female since I was moved across the hall to actually work again, and she's fun to be around.

So, then, if this is a necessity, but I'm happy with those that surround me, where would I aim my supply of bile? You know, the bile naturally produced by human beings because their mother didn't hug them enough, society represses them, or they are spiritual beings trapped in a painful fleshy body or whatever other bravo sierra self-help and inspirational experts feed us to explain our unhappiness?
At fictional characters is probably the safest place to aim excess vitriol. That's what could be happening's.

Or maybe it's all of the above, serving to cause a subtle pool of intoxicating toxic waste to well up from the deepest, dankest, snarkiest pit of my inner soul. And it's leaking, causing inexplicable moments of meanness, little things that just slip out and can't quite understand until the point when I explode in a shit-brown spray of curdled choler, the likes of which has not yet been seen on this Earth!

Actually, it would have been seen about 16 months ago, at the end of my first month of a customer service job.

Fat man and little boy, how I hated that job.

Maybe this is just the way I really am. In which case, my course is clear.

It leads me to my third task. I must embrace my irrascibility!

Yes, I will wallow in bitterness (or at least bad metaphors) like a maggot in dead pigeon guts, who just found his mother flew off before his birth, and that pigeon guts are a fleeting thing, and he is likely to be exterminated before he reaches flying age, never to know the sweet sensation of the wind at his wings or the gentle smell of potatoe salad wafting from the nearby Fiftieth Annual Ciezekowsky Family Renuin Picnic! I must do this to the point that it cheers me and affirms my love of humanity. Yes, I must go through snark and come out the other side!

And then maybe I can enjoy my comics again.

Sure, people will suffer, but they won't be me. When next you hear from me, I shall be a lot more cheerful.

I'll admit whether or not that will be pleasant for anyone else is hard to tell at this point.

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Is There Room in the Fridge, Hon?

Anyone who's been following my incessant rambling here and on various message boards will have noticed something very odd about me.

Well, odd, as far as female comic book fans go.

I'm often screaming for the death of a female character.

This is unusual for a woman, I admit.

In fact, there are members of my gender so horrified by the Women in Refrigerators list that they are sensitive to any violence against any female character. Cries of misogyny ring out across the internet whenever a female dies graphically (See Phantom Lady, Sue Dibny, Maura Rayner). And sometimes, yes, my voice goes out with them. But to be perfectly honest, when Gail Simone was compiling that list in the late nineties, I was on the the very same message boards screaming for Cassandra Sandsmark's head, detached from her body, and nicely mounted on the wall of Cheetah's library -- while I was panning Ron Marz for his portrayal of women in Green Lantern. That's just the kind of person I am.

You see, although I always advocate creating more female characters, there just sometimes seem to be just too many.

But, there can never be too many women, you say...

Ooooh yes there can.

You see, while there are precious few prominent females, there are even fewer worth reading. Picture the whole of comic book feminity as a nice juicy steak -- but not a lean cut with the choicest meat. Envision about 15% edible beef, with 85% sensuous-looking fat.

It's true, there is a wide variety of worthwhile females to read about -- Iconic goddesses (Wonder Woman), wicked world conquerors (Gloriana Tenebrae), admirable overachievers (Oracle/Barbara Gordon), utter bitches (Emma Frost), spunky teenagers (Courtney Crumrin), talented ingenues (Batgirl/Cassandra Cain), ideal role-models despite their poor taste in men (Black Canary), cross-dressing knights (Shining Knight), violent hard-asses (Huntress), cheeky feminists (Power Girl), respectable family women (Invisible Woman) all regularly grace your comic book shelves. These women are the choice cut. They are the healthy, varied meal in your comic book diet. Basically, these are women who's shoes a female would like to place herself in. Whether it's because they exemplify the best character traits possible or they just plain do stuff you wish you could when you are in a certain mood ("What was that about looking good on my knees, Max?" *KRK*), these are the kinds of woman a fangirl would picture herself as. They are fun people, and you can hate or relate to your heart's content, because it is enjoyable to do so.

Next to the healthy choice, however, is the sensuous fat. Women of no substance, who add nothing to the comic book landscape, women who hurt your head just to read. They tend to be used as romantic fodder. Most of them have super-powers or martial prowess, yet more than end up playing damsel-in-distress in the story. Oh yes, they may look good to fanboys, but beware! They are bad for you. In addition to causing headaches, neck pain, and vomiting, they increase heart problems and risk of personal injury.
These are the female characters I most commonly direct my venom towards. Most of them have an inexplicable, but rabid fanbase. Many of them have been around too long, but time after time, have been shown to be utterly useless and uninteresting. Many are downright loathsome. I hate them, but I don't love to hate them, and I can't relate to them except for the parts of myself that I truly wish weren't parts of myself -- I mean, anyone can end up not qutie measuring up but who wants to be there? Or who wants to be in the victim's or sex-toy's place? Most girls don't. And even Lancelot used to get his butt saved by girls sometimes -- because Chretien deTroyes was writing for a female audience and he knew that even if was socially unacceptable to be the Knight, they did want a more heroic role to put themselves in.

Anyway, most often I avoid the senuous fat. I never bought Chaos Comics, Witchblade, and I tend to stay away from anythign draw in the Nineties sexualized style. I don't even bother to learn their names half the time.

Unfortunately, sometimes a little piece of sensuous fat hasn't been trimmed from my usual meal. And it'll be there irritating me for one issue (like Supergirl!), or, much worse, it becomes a regular part of the series until your disgust with her incompetence leads you to drop the book, and when you pick it up again she's cheating on her ideal lover while he's off in space freezing his ass of and savign teh universe (I'm sure by now we all know who I'm talking about here). This waste cannot simply be left alone or avoided.

And because they are good eye-candy, they are kept around indefinitely, and even, yes, used more often than more worthwhile characters. Some of them are placeholders for legacies that could go to a more interesting person, but don't. And when there's an open chopping block for a huge event, who's neck gets put on it? The sweet-natured supportive female or the worthless slut? The unusual, energetic quirky woman or the personality-less cipher? I man, Sue Dibny dies but that bitch Loring gets to become a return villainess?! She's not even fun to hate!! Ice bites it in a crappy storyline in Justice League and is gone forever, but Donna Troy and Jean Grey each have a lamenated "Get Out of Hell Free" pass! Where's the Justice in that?!

Alexandra DeWitt was created to die, I understand that. But she was an interesting, likeable, intelligent woman (which actually came across nicely in the very few pages in which she existed) who helped Kyle out and ended up stuffed in a fridge, while Jade spends several years utterly worthless despite her powers, then goes Queen Guinevere and yet continues to live.

That's Just. Not. Right. (And neither was Guinevere's continued survival. Lancelot, just let her burn -- for the good of the Kingdom!)

And why? Is it be because writers have somehing worthwhile to do with her? Not possible, even Roy Thomas barely did anything worthwhile with her! Is it because DC is afraid of being called misogynist? Maybe, but that didn't stop them from offing Hawkwoman. Is it because she has a large fanbase that consists of guys with a Green skin fetish, nostalgic Infinitor fans, and women who don't realize what a crappy character she is? Bingo!

Now, I understand not everyone likes the same females. Check out Comics Fairplay's archives from August-October 2005 when she does her Harsh! Hated Female Characters feature, there will be choices you disagree with.

So, of course, don't advocate the death of every female character I despise. Donna Troy can happily exist as long as people are willing to read her (just keep her appearances to a minimum). Supergirl is going to be written by Greg Rucka, and hasn't been around long enough to be completely ruined yet, so I recant my previous protests. She still ahs potential.

But come on -- Jade? Jade's beyond help.

And it just burns me so much that this was the only female Green Lantern for a decade. I actually dropped Green Lantern, because of her. I thought it was the writer not being able to write women, but I discovered that everyone else handled her like that too. She had nothing impressive under her belt at all, and really no experience with regular Green Lantern villains, so it actually did make sense that Fatality,an experienced Green Lantern hunter, could kick her butt, and not Kyle's because Kyle was shown to be especially talented. *Rolls eyes*
Katma Tui Stewart could have wiped the floor with all three of them combined at that point in Kyle's career, though. Arisia and Brik would have made a better showing than Jade. Even without her hand and her ring, Boodika would have torn Fatality apart.

But not Jade, born with powers, but not the inclination, drive, or imagination to do anything worthwhile with them.

Can't you see, it's actually better to kill a character like this off. I'd rather there be no female members of a franchise than have females who are constantly shown to be less competent than the males. I believe it hurt feminity to have Jade be the only female Lantern for so long. I only hope Brik and Soranik Natu, and whoever else they come up with to fill the Corps can make a better showing.

Anyway, my point is that the sensuous fat needs to be trimmed. If there are only so many females, but most of them can't measure up to the standards set by the male characters and really only exist as romantic interests, it is even worse than having no females at all because it sends the general message that women are incompetent sex objects.

So I say, kill all the stupid, worthless, and incompetent female characters.

Kill the mediocre and uninteresting.

Replace them with fun women who can play with the boys, and even show them up sometimes.

And stop killing the good ones, already.

Oh, and bring back Ice.

And Katma Tui.

Answers to the OYL Quiz

(If you don't want the story potentially spoiled, why are you looking here?)

The following questions are from Wizard #171. They have surfaced in at least one thread on every message board I've looked at today, so I figured I'd just answer them here instead of retype everything. I'm working on two assumptions: The Big Three will be effectively disappeared from the DCU for the entirety of the one-year gap; DC are going for the most surprising developments they can get away with.

--One of these characters will give birth in '06: Wonder Woman, Power Girl, Catwoman, or Oracle

Oracle is too easy, as she hasn't been physical for a long time, but given that she's getting her legs back, I don't see them hurting her body again so quickly with a pregnancy. We'd still end up spending a long time watching her recovery, which I believe Gail Simone wanted to skip over for the one-year-leap (Otherwise, why time it now?)

Power Girl has already had a child during a big event.

Catwoman is my runner-up, because the thing between her and Batman has been played up in the build-up here, and they did have a kid on Earth-2.

But I'm going to go with Wonder Woman here. Wishful thinking on my part, I admit, but come on -- Diana's got almost no love-life, Aphrodite's got to be getting irritated by now. This Goddess has turned young women into fruit trees for less, but she continues to favor Diana desptie her virginity? And Rucka's been playing up the motherly aspect of her personality whenever he can. It's a logical step. And it's a way to remove Wonder Woman from the regular DCU for a full year.

--One of these characters will be stripped of their powers: Superman, Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Green Lantern/Hal Jordan


This plot point has been done to death with Jordan. And comparing his post-Parallax behavior to John's words and Kyle and Guy's actions, he's the least likely Lantern to get the pink slip right now.

I don't see a point with Supergirl.

Everyone on every message board seems to be saying Wonder Woman, because her powers are the easiest to lose as they depend on her patron's favor. But I don't buy it. Diana is Athena's main champion. Diana just got Athena the Throne of firkin' Olympus, and then topped it off with a trip to the Underworld to fetch her baby brother and quell a rebellion. This is all fresh goodness, so it would take a lot to annoy Athena that much. I can see it, though, for the right reason, which is why Diana's my second choice here. But I can only see one specific reason here:
Diana's actions in Sacrifice? No. I can totally see Athena getting behind Diana on those, being a war goddess and all.
Failing to defend Paradise Island? No. They were never mad at Diana when the Amazons got slaughtered before.
Diana getting knocked up? Not even this. Athena might be irked, but remember, Aphrodite and Demeter are also Diana's patrons -- and Athena's biggest supporters in her coup. Diplomatically, at least, Athena would have to let this one pass.
Diana getting knocked up by a guy in Athena's temple? This could do it.
Diana getting knocked up by Poseidon in Athena's temple? Bingo! But this slim possibility is the only one that would work.

So my money's on the Big S. It's the only concievable way to take Superman out for a whole year without killing Lois.

-- One of these characters will become the mayor of a crime-riddled city: Wally West, Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne, Oliver Queen

Wally's a nobody since Hal mind-wiped the universe for him. He doesn't have the in-story name recognition to become politicians, at least, not in such big city. Plus, he's just too young.

Oliver Queen is highly political, but he's totally tactless. He would shoot his mouth off at the first press conference and totally alienate his target demographic.

Dick has the money, and he has joined the police force to root out corruption, so politics is a natural nexts step. I still see him as too young, though.

Bruce Wayne however, has the money, the backing, the influence, and the fake charm to make it happen. And it's not a natural move for him, under normal circumstances. But given his disillusionment with the hero community, the staggering odds he's been facing threatening to overwhelm him, the utter futility of his mission and the fact that it's falling to pieces -- well, a change of plan might be necessary. Why not take a page from Dick's book and join the system to cleanse it? Plus, it's a good way to remove Batman for a full year.

-- One of these characters will have amnesia and be unable to tell friend from foe: Martian Manhunter, Aquaman, Atom, Elongated Man

Wiping Atom or Elongated Man's memories would clear the slate for either character, but it would be just too sad after Identity Crisis.

This could be a hook for an Aquaman relaunch, but given the title of the new book (Sword of Atlantis), I don't see it as too likely.

Now, an amnesiac Martian Manhunter would make a lot of sense. It would explain the utter lack of a JLA relaunch (Doesn't work without a Martian!), and J'onn does have a history of memory problems.

-- One of these characters will take the mantle as the most powerful hero in the DCU: Booster Gold, Animal Man, Kyle Rayner, Earth-2 Superman

Mantle Schmantle! The most powerful hero in the DCU is obviously going to be Kyle Rayner. And not for the obvious reason.

Despite the name of his new book, I don't think Kyle will be fully Ionized and move laterally through time again. That would be too hard to write. But, Kyle is currently the most influential man in the Green Lantern Corps. Kyle is the beloved Torch-bearer, single-handedly responsible for the resurrection of the Oan race. The Oan race which is the collective boss of the Green Lantern Corps. When Kyle walked into the Citadel, and the Guardians immediately dropped everything to be in his presence and praised him. Every year, on Kyle's birthday, they decorate an everpurple tree and buy gifts for each other. Kyle is wonderful. Kyle is the best thing since sliced bread. They love Kyle. They want Kyle happy, they want Kyle safe, and, most of all, they want Kyle close to them.
OYL the Corps will be a staggering force that has swelled to 7200 intensively-trained uber-powerful supercops. They are all under the control of the Gaurdians, who love Kyle. Who want to keep Kyle happy, safe, and close to them. Even if Kyle does internalize his powers, he will still be the beloved Torch-bearer, savior of the Oan race. He will still secretly be referred to by most of them as "Uncle Kyle" when Ganthet is out of earshot. He will be the Most Powerful Hero in the DC Universe, because he will be the only one who can influence the Guardians.

If you doubt this, look at his recent actions: He disobeys his orders in Rann-Thanagar War by following a lead that would take him directly to the center of the war that he is expressly forbidden to involve himself in. Instead of getting the boot, he gets Kilowog sent to pick him up and gently guide him away from the danger. He's currently in the process, in Recharge, of breaking a millenia-old pact between the Guardians and the Psions, over a girl who left the Corps voluntarily before she got kidnapped. Now, when the old Green Man did this in Omega Men #29, he got booted from the Corps, and even cut off from using his power to save his own butt! If Guy had done this alone, I can see a similar result (especially since he got threated with Krona's punishment for breaking into the Citadel!). So, what's going to keep Kyle and Guy from getting the book thrown at them? Why, Kyle's presence, of course.

And the beauty of all of this is: Kyle is very last person in the DC Universe who would capitalize on this situation. Hell, he'll probably be the last person to realize he's getting special treatment! It'll all be subtle, little rules that they bend for him. He could be running the Universe, and he won't ever realize it.

Of course, if you want to get tricky (which Wizard and DC often are), if Kyle's only taking up the Ion name again, that is the mantle of the "Most Powerful Hero in the DCU" if not the actual power level.

I just hope this question doesn't mean we'll see Earth-2 Superman as the Spectre. That's a scary thought.

-- One of these characters will become a criminal: Hal Jordan, Superman, Flash, Captain Marvel

Hal Jordan's too obvious here. He's already played villain for too long to be a fugitive.

We'll sooner see Superman back in his grave than turning to crime.

The Flash would be interesting, to say the least, and I could see Wally or Bart end up in a situation that forced them on the wrong side of the law easily.

But I went with Captain Marvel because not only does this have an initial "Huh?" factor, but it makes perfect sense on examination -- Billy is actually a lot younger than everyone else, and is now without guidance after Day of Vengeance #6. His powers are magic-based, so I don't see how the Wisdom of Solomon is totally reliable right now. He's also been lagging in popularity, and such a stunt would raise interest, at least temporarily. I can see him being forced to the wrong side of the law even more easily than the Flash right now.

-- One of these characters will be the only one around after "Infinite Crisis": The Flash/Wally West, Superboy/Connor Kent, Green Lantern/Guy Gardner, Nightwing/Dick Grayson

This does not necessarily mean death. They are playing with us.

Wally West is probably going to retire with the kids.

Dick will evolve beyond Nightwing somehow.

I was originally going to go with Guy Gardner, but then I realized: The Solicits for the Teen Titans Annual are already out, and it's a post-Infinite Crisis love story with Wonder Girl and Superboy. This not only means that Cassie will survive (WHY?!), but Connor Kent will definately be around afterwards. Which means Guy might be the "heroic warrior" to sacrifice himself in the Rann-Thanagar War Infinite Crisis Special
At this point, he might have more of an effect than even Jade. But even so, it's possible that I'm wrong, and Guy will be around, but in a different form. Back to Warrior perhaps? Or maybe, just maybe, the solicits were lying to me and the love story is set before the end of Infinite Crisis. In which case, Guy is home free. I'll have my fingers crossed, but I know what to expect.

As I have said on other message boards, if Jade survives the Rann-Thanagar War Special but Guy Gardner or Captain Comet dies, I will personally vomit on Dave Gibbons' shoes at the very next convention I see him at.

-- One of these teams won't survive Infinite Crisis: JLA, JLA, JLA, JLA

Haven't the foggiest idea here.

-- One of these characters becomes the military's secret weapon: Cyborg, Wonder Woman, Red Tornado, Green Lantern/John Stewart

John is becoming rebellious again. I can't see him working for the military after what he said to Hal in Green Lantern #1 about his "Wake-up call." And given what happened to Kyle and his mother in Homecoming? after John defended "the Man" and got sent on a wild goose chase, it would bug me to see him become a "secret weapon."

Wonder Woman's views are too unconventional.

Red Tornado is an off-chance, but for some reason I really see Cyborg going military here. Not sure why.

-- One of these characters will destroy an entire country and kill millions: Braniac, Sinestro, Black Adam, Vandal Savage

Not Sinestro's style. Plus, this sort of thing is generally reserved for villains needing to prove themselves. Sinestro's coming off the biggest scheme of his career -- He actually took down Hal Jordan! He kept him down for a decade! And he would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for that meddling kid...

Wouldn't jive with Black Adam's normal actions. He does consider himself a moral man and would probabyl stop short of mass genocide.

Vandal Savage is off to a good start in his last appearance, going all Ra's Al Ghul on us -- but Brainiac's been awfully quiet during all of this. I can see Brainaic surprising every one with a sudden, huge, destructive action.

Yellow Nazi Gremlins from Outer Spaaaaaace!!

Green Lantern is so much fun.

Jade is Wormfood.

As I wantonly traverse cyberspace in search of amusement, my thoughts turn more and more to DC Comics. And everywhere I roam, one question keeps coming up:

Who's next on the chopping block?

DC is doing a "Housecleaning." Geoff Johns is on a murder spree. Seriously, this crossover is a bigger bloodbath than Eclipso. Day of Vengeance #1 alone had a body count of over two hundred! Infinite Crisis #1 killed half of a superteam. Infinite Crisis #2 featured the death of an entire villain team. In February, we see 6 different covers featuring hero-hero battles (and 2 covers with a hero in the foreground and another in the background coming up behind them menacingly!). We are outright promised blood in Rann-Thanagar War: Infinite Crisis Special and Supergirl (and I had better get it!). Several prominent titles will not be on the shelves come March. There has never been a better time to kill a Superman! And you know not all of those people headed to the center of the universe with Donna Troy are not coming back.

Now, I'm not sure about the specifics above -- what's hype, what's panic, what's misdirection...etc... but I am sure of one thing:
Jennie-Lynn Hayden-Scott, formerly known as Green Lantern VI (or IV, depending upon who you count!), best known as Jade, is not coming out this one alive.

(Those of you unfamiliar with Jade should check here and here to learn about her history in a more objective manner)

Everyone knows there are risk factors that lead to a character's death. These have no realistic connotations. It's not like people in comic books would actually die as a result of their own actions! But, there are certain things that make comic book readers think "Expendable."

So, without further ado, here are Jade's Risk Factors:

1) Mythos Placement -- The only Green Lantern franchise hero not currently carrying the Green Lantern name.

2) Costume -- Does not wear a Green Lantern symbol. (Even Alan wears something close)

3) Power Level -- Is vastly less powerful than her father. Is considerably less powerful than a full-fledged Corpsman (or full-fledged female Corpsman like Brik -- Yes, I hate saying Corpswoman, Chairwoman, Congresswoman...etc... It's silly. we can say Mankind, can't we? And Human without saying Huwoman? Well, why can't I just be a repairman instead of a repairwoman? Save a syllable, please!)

4) Origin -- Try explaining her parentage: "Well, her father was the Golden Age Green Lantern, who is unconnected to the Corps, and her mother was a Flash Rogue with multiple personalities who fought the Golden Age Flash, but then reformed and fell in love with green Lantern, but then left him after their wedding night and bore him twins. She put them up for adoption, which is why Jennuie has a different last name than her father. Now, her brother..."

5) Infinity Inc -- The Infinity Inc characters are often screwed with: depowered, sent to prison, made into villains...etc..

6) Open Identity -- Secret Identities are becoming considerably important right now. It's possible that One Year Later there will be very few public identity heroes operaring on earth. Jade is a former supermodel and a public superhero. Even with a mass mindwipe, her skin color makes her very hard to hide. She's obviously not normal.

7) Gender -- Name aside, she is still a Female Lantern. Of the female Green Lantern we've met: Katma Tui and Arisia are dead, Boodika and Laira are currently held captive, Boodika lost her hand, Adara committed suicide, Brik and Amanita spent a good deal of time in slavery, and Soranik Natu was captured by the villains in the first issue she appeared in.

8) High Risk Love Interest -- Romantically linked to a male Earth Green Lantern.
Green Lantern lovers rundown: Alex DeWitt (deceased), Donna Troy (depowered, deceased, recently resurrected as a Harbinger-like character, which means instant obscurity once this is all over), Torah Olafsdotter (deceased), Katma Tui (deceased), Arisia (deceased), Carol Ferris (brain regularly taken over by space aliens)

9) High Risk Personal Connection -- She has slept with Kyle Rayner. The Kiss of Kyle Rayner is the Kiss of Death. But this goes beyond romance.
Kyle Rayner personal contacts rundown: Alex DeWitt, Donna Troy (who also had been broken up Kyle for a year or so before she died!), and Adara (a one-night stand!) have all pushed up daisies at some point. (But, hey, at least Kyle still talks to them from time to time!) Ganthet (home planet destroyed within a week of meeting the boy), Alan Scott (strongest will in Earth history, taken over by the Starheart, taken over by Brainwave Jr), Guy Gardner (went without problems for a while but eventually lost his business in Rebirth), John Stewart (lost the use of his legs twice!), Terry Berg (beaten to the edge of death), Kyle's mother (Home destroyed, Son broke all contacts -- but she's still alive). Kyle's father (went into hiding from the government shortly after the boy was born!) This poor guy is cursed! I'd like to comfort Kyle during his times of personal loss, but I can't afford the insurance payments. Putting your arm around his shoulders costs you more than racing NASCAR.

10) Unvirtuous Woman -- While Kyle was in space, risking life, limb, and soul in an attempt to make the universe a safer place, she found another guy. She then slept with this other guy, without even sending Kyle so much as a "Dear John" note. That's not cool, folks. It was totally within her power to send word to Kyle to "Call now, or don't come back at all," via John Stewart. The "He never called" excuse doesn't work, because she could have at least sent word rather than let him come home to such a bad surprise!

11) Skill Level -- She is generally portrayed as a mediocre Lesser Lantern. True, some writers give her decent moments, but she plays Damsel in Distress far too often for a woman who was born with even watered-down Lantern powers, and has been in "the business" this long.
The first run I saw her in, she got her butt kicked by Fatality and had to be saved by still-rookie Kyle. My sister and I dropped the book, because it seemed truly ridiculous that a woman who'd had powers all her life would need saving from a guy who'd only had powers a few months. But, this has been the skill level she is commonly shown at.
In Outsiders, she has been present every time a team member gets hurt. Usually, when you have a Lantern, you're safe. They are major powers who should be able to protect their buddies. Apparently, Jade can't.
She has no feats under her belt, and even John Stewart, the most ignored Green Lantern of all, has a few feats. Hell, even Guy Gardner's girlfriend Ice was able to use the ring in a totally unexpected manner, and heal another person! I mean, it's one thing to see Hal or Kyle on a bad day get their butts handed to them, because you know if the moon is going to shatter and fall into the planet they can stop it (with a little help from Wonder Woman), but you have your doubts when it comes to Jade. She really doesn't really have anything. And with her powers, that's ridiculous. It's like they came so naturally she felt no need to work on them or push herself, and so comes up short behind the boys. A poor showing, especially for the only female Lantern we've seen in the last decade. Thankfully, Brik is back (She's got that sweet-natured, but still strong thing that Ice had going on), and Soranik Natu seems promising.

12) Redemption -- She's been mopey and cranky in most appearances. In Return of Donna Troy, she obsessed over Kyle as soon as she realized he might be nearby (nearby being, within a couple of light years). Showing regret for her treatment of him? Laying the groundwork for a heroic sacrifice saving her ex-boyfriend's life?

13) Impact (Characters) -- Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the dreaded Refrigerator rule. Who's death will spread more angst among the surviving characters? Captain Comet, or Jade? Hawkman (who dies as a hobby), or Jade? Despite being thoroughly unlikeable in recent appearances, Jade still has a lot of strong bonds to exploit.
Kyle, despite her actions, still loves her enough to care about her feelings, and leave her his apartment. Her death, especially during a battle he is at, would serve to screw him up even more!
Her brother, Todd Rice, Obsidian, is fanatically devoted to her (He met her in Infinity Inc long before her current characterization), and is at the hero/villain crossroads. Her death could inspire him to become a hero again, or drive him back to madness.
Her father, Alan Scott, feels he is a worthless father. Imagine if his daughter dies in front of him.
She is the team-leader of the Outsiders, and no doubt her dying would affect the Outsider/Titans characters.
Donna Troy would feel tremendous guilt about bringing a rival out there to die.
The newer members of the Green Lantern Corps would find it extremely sobering to see a person with similar powers die horribly in front of them.
And, of course, her break-up with Kyle is what divides him and his former mentor, Alan Scott. Blame for her death could cause a greater split (if she died because of a percieved mistake) or the shared grief of her loss would forge their bond even stronger than before.

14) Impact (Fans) -- She is someone that writers feel safe screwing with. This is what changed her image from that of a promising addition to the Green Lantern mythos, to the lady described here and here. Aside from old Infinity Inc fans (Fear of who's wrath didn't keep Obsidian, Nuklon, Fury, Hector Hall, Northwind..etc... from being screwed with constantly), she won't likely be missed. But, since not that many people remember Infinity Inc, she tends to be reguarded at best as eye-candy/romance fodder and at worst as a selfish slut.

Fourteen Risk Factors. Her number's up. Another Guinevere bites the dust.

Let the celebration commence!

Cyberspace on All-Star Superman

He's the Goddamn Superman. (Bill of R)

CAUTION: STRONGER LANGUAGE THAN THIS AHEAD.

(Of course, if you are a fan of profanity, check this out, too)

This weekend I have been tirelessly perusing cyberspace for people and places to amuse me. This is what comes of being on the off shifts. I greatly enjoyed All Star Superman #1 by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely this week, so I looked at how everyone else reacted. I found some entertaining views, and figured that, since I am tired and preparing for a trip, I'd share some of the better ones with you. (And I am still not rampaging.)

First, Highlights from the Anticipation of All-Star Superman as seen on Barbelith Underground which was closed before the book ever hit stands because it "derailed into madness after new info on the title stopped appearing." (Hector The Friendly Vortex, 21:01/08.10.05)

One of these days, I'm going to start writing comics under the pen name "Enlis" and really fuck people up. (diztopian vision of the future,16:02/22.12.04)

Miserable. Old. Bastard. (Boboss, 19:14/22.12.04)

COMICS CREATORS IN "DOING THEIR FUCKING JOB" SHOCKER
Fans Spunk Selves Anticipating Light, Disposable Entertainment (The Deadly Hands Of Jack Fear, 21:29/22.12.04)

GRUMPY MAN MISSES POINT - NO ONE SURPRISED (MacReady, 22:00/22.12.04)

UPSTART FICTIONSUIT STEALS TRADEMARK GAG
Can Expect A Good Kicking Behind Bike Sheds This Afternoon (The Deadly Hands Of Jack Fear, 22:26/22.12.04)


...we get Morrison writing Bizarro World, for God's sake. How can you *not* love that? (Bill of R, 00:22/23.12.04)

Its going to have Solaris in it. Words cannot express how happy that makes me. (Brett E, 08:54/23.12.04)

This reminds me of the "Superman Vs Jesus" thread I started once upon a time. It's probably still buried in the recesses of the Conversation forum. (Adam forgets how to count, 12:32 / 01.01.05)

It makes me want to kill myself. (Alex is 'Paranoid Writer', 04:18 / 20.02.05)

But I feel confident Morrison has never had Superman say "yeah" and never will. (FinderWolf, 04:53/30.12.04)
(Also, Superman would not say "Yeah," but neither would he use the formal "Yes"--as a Jimmy Stewart/Gary Cooper solid midwestern type, it would be "Yep.") (The Deadly Hands Of Jack Fear, 02:01/01.01.05)
He'd probably say "yeah", though. (Emily Triplets,19:26/20.02.05)
The Man of Steel would opt for a stolid 'yes', every time, Triplets.
If you don't know that, you probably don't know anything. (Duncan, CEO Falcon Corp,20:05/20.02.05)
Whereas Batman would always go 'hhn'. Flash is more of a 'yeah' man. Perhaps Wonder Woman and Aquaman a regal 'indeed'. (MacReady, 20:26 / 20.02.05)
J'Onn wouldn't say 'yeah' either. So that's that sorted. (Duncan, CEO Falcon Corp,20:32 / 20.02.05)
J'onn would say "Agreed" or "I concur", like Brent Spinner. Get it right. (Emily Triplets, 21:11/20.02.05)

I won't read Byrne's forum yet, don't want my brain to melt this early. (Hector The Friendly Vortex, 06:56/24.02.05)

Oh man that thread makes me realise:
1) I want to kiss Ethan Van
2) That cover is an inspired change of pace (I'm Rick Jones, bitch, 15:43/24.02.05)

There is NO better acronym than ASS. For anything. (Stoatie- NOW WITH TROUSERPRESS, 14:14 / 04.10.05)

BASTARD! You're on The List, now.
You don't fuck with The Morrison, man. He's got powers. Madjyxyzptlkal power (The Deadly Hands Of Jack Fear, 18:44 / 06.10.05)

Now look what you've done Grant, you've derailed the fucking Superman thread! (eon, 10:35 / 07.10.05)

Right. When can I look at Grant's ASS, then? (v for velvetvandal, 21:57/07.10.05)

So, how did everyone react once the actual book was released? Well, from all over:

More, please. (PeterCool)

(On Morrison himself) I can't understand how can people hate this guy. (Gylocke)

Of course, the last several years' worth of Superman stories have been small-scale, almost claustrophobic ant farms of Oprah-fied navel-gazing....so Morrison flinging open the shutters to big ideas was a real Mormon Tabernacle Choir "Halleluja" moment. From Superman's rescue in the heart of the sun to the bioengineered "Photosynthetic Giants", a sense of epic adventure and sci-fi spectacle was undeniably back. (Bizarromark)

Quietly is to Morrison what Johnny Depp is to Tim Burton. (Beastbone)

That image of Superman masturbating is going to stay with me all day. Cheers Quitely! (ghadis)

It will be the prettiest thing ever printed. (Yotsuba & Benjamin!)

This issue was so amazingly brilliant that after I read it I fell to me knees and wept. It was THAT good! (Lex)

This seems more like the superman I have been waiting for since DC stopped publishing him 20 years ago.(carmine007)

Where's Lois' chin?
Dammit, Quitely, I need more chin! (John Brown)

(On Lex Luthor) Drama Queen. (Papers lit-up supersuit)

Welcome back, Lex. (Bizarromark)

Sorry, Lex STILL sounds like a dork. (CapeandCowl)

(No accoutning for taste) Oh, I got the Adams cover!! (Astroape2000)

(No excusing taste, either) ...but I am going to stay right off I think All Star Batman & Robin is better. (CapeandCowl)

Boil WATCHMEN down to two sentences, and tell it to a stranger. You'll feel like an idiot. (allanf)
The thing is... Watchmen DOES have an idiotic plot. (PeterCool)

I want a super-watch. (Mario)

DC Comics Wishlist

Things I'd like to see in the DCU (But probably won't):

Wonder Woman
-- Diana, having gotten Athena's throne for her, is officially released from her mission. She steps down as Themiscyran Ambassador. She takes a roadtrip to find herself, and realizes that she was happiest when she was a newcomer to Patriarch's World because her heart is in seeing and learning about new things. She dons her Wonder Woman costume again, and throws herself into exploration. The series is no longer limited to the embassy, but spans the entire Earth, all ancient legend, outer space, and other dimensions as well.

-- Celtic legends finally make it to Wonder Woman. First up, Diana fights Scathach.

-- Hippolyta returns to life, and is appointed High Priestess of Athena on Themiscyra, which frees her to come to Patriarch's World and beat up Evil because Athena is a war goddess, and that would be a form of worship.

-- Hermes returns as a regular supporting cast member, when he learns to tap "indirect worship." He promptly modernizes, and returns to his traditional position as the God of Commerce, Communication, and Travel. He sets up shop in the largest available temple to all three on Earth -- The New York Stock Exchange. He has a little booth like Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche had in Trading Places. Aphrodite visits him often, and they close the curtains on the booths. When this occurs, every single person in the building exits with more money than they had when they came in -- even the janitor. On the other hand, when Hermes heard that his own brother was shacking up with Circe, stocks plummeted so fast the Flash appeared to be standing still.

-- We see scenes set in Hermes' quarters on Olympus. There is a poker game perpetually taking place there -- played by his mother Maia, and his four daughters: Peitho (Goddess of Seduction, in a little red dress), Tyche (blind Goddess of Chance, dressed as a casino blackjack dealer), Eunomia (Goddess of Lawfulness, dressed in an old-fashioned tweed ladies' suit), and Angelina (A Messenger Goddess, dressed in UPS brown). No matter what occurs in the foreground, the poke game always continues. If a fight overturns the table, the ladies pick up their cards and continue playing on the other side of the room.
These Goddesses have been playing poker for at least three years, and are still on their first hand.

-- Ares kicks Circe out on her leather-clad butt. (Wait, this one will probably happen)

-- Persephone protests day and night at Olympus until her husband Hades is brought back to life. Athena grants her wish, not because of her persistance, but because Athena realizes what a monumentally stupid thing it is to have Ares and Circe running a prison full of her worst enemies.

--The Themiscyran Goddess Tyche (Hermes' daughter, the chick with the giant Wheel) publicly establishes a temple in Las Vegas. A worried Wonder Woman goes to reason with her, realizes absolutely nothing has changed in Las Vegas with the goddess of gambling physically present, and leaves her alone.

--Donna Troy makes exactly as many appearances in the next twenty years as Harbinger made in the last twenty. (We may occasionally see her show up on Oa to bang Kyle when she gets especially lonely, but she always sneaks out before he wakes up and never leaves a note!)

-- Wonder Girl (Cassandra Sandsmark) manages to make even fewer appearances.

Green Lantern:
-- This book ships monthly (I kid because I love)

-- More Gremliny goodness!

-- Jade is possessed by a Zamoran warrior's essence, and as a result becomes a competent hero.

-- Ice returns to life, marries Guy Gardner, and moves to Oa to man the Dispatch board for the GLC while she pumps out little Vuldarian/Frost Diety/Human mix children. ("Look at all our little mutant babies!")

-- Hal Jordan uses his head more often. (So I like this picture, so what?)

--Vril Dox II branches out from "protection" to "art dealing" when they start forging Kyle Rayner's signature on various Earth-style drawing, and selling them at outrageous prices. Apparently, Kyle's artwork has major religious significance on Oa, Zamora, and some backwoods little world called Mogo. Most Green Lanterns consider it lucky to carry at least one piece of paper that Kyle has drawn on or signed. It's also popular among Korugarian teenagers trying to freak out their parents.

Starman:
-- In Opal City, the Shade and Commissioner O'Dare argue about the lack of heroes to protect the city, and in particular, the lack of action on the Shade's part to correct this problem. Just as the phrase "Heroes don't exactly fall from the heavens, Clarence" is heard, a rift in the space-time continuum appears exactly four feet above their heads. Starboy, of the Legion of Superheroes (Any version, though the post-Zero-Hour would be easiest since he's currently lost in time) falls out of it, and lands at their feet.
He immediately throws up on the Shade's $200 wingtips.
Guess how Shade makes him pay for the damages.

-- Shining Knight (from Morrison's Seven Soldiers reboot) sets up shop in Opal City shortly afterwords. With that one new resident, Opal City officially passes Keystone as having the largest time-displaced population in the DCU.

-- At a press conference, the Shade gets irritated by an inquisitive reporter. He opens a dark portal below the reporter and her cameraman with his shadow powers. They fall through.
At the home of Jay Garrick, Golden Age Flash, the old hero walks out in his bathrobe to get his morning paper. A dark portal opens above him, and reporter and cameraman land at his feet.

-- The Shade, personally reviewing his accounts for the first time decades, manages to figure out exactly how much money he is owed for years of Injustice Society work. Calculator in hand, he sets out to extract payment from his old boss, the Wizard. He finds the Wizard, and the modern Injustice Society, in the middle of a fight with the JSA. Hilarity ensues.

Observations From Across Cyberspace-time

Now, I wouldn't dream of rampaging, but I thought I'd share some findings with you:

"After this whole crisis is over I don't think Batman will trust pretty much anybody...except probably Superman...and maybe Wonder Woman."
(Symphony of Six, April 15th 2005, 03:02 PM)

Other observations about Batman: "... an arrogant sociopathic arse whose not tougher than Hal Jordan or Rich Dragon in a real fight." (Cappadonna, April 23rd 2005, 11:54 AM)

"I am not for one second suggesting that the JLA are perfect but....bugger it I've talked myself into not buying it anymore..."
(Aidy, July 13th 2005, 8:08 AM)

Why is Sinestro beyond redemption? "Sinestro has a flamboyantly evil mustache. And a funny shaped head. And the first three letters of his name are S-I-N." (Gingold, November 15th 2005, 2:13 AM)

The fight depicted on the Infinite Crisis #5 Cover: "I want Superman to win" (Dave Anthony Tomaine, November 14th 2005, 5:07 PM)

"How many teams does space need in the DCU anyway?

That's what the old Crisis was for, it killed off all these crazy things. Then they hired Geoff Johns and he brought them all back. Honestly, the last 2-4years have pretty much undone everything that Crisis accomplished, aside from bringing back "old Superman" from Earth 2." (Ogul, September 27 2005, 11:04 PM)

Sweet Gods, I'm actually going to buy Wizard again!

Well, DC Comics tried very very hard to keep it under wraps, but someone leaked the February solicits two days early. (Spoilers ahead)
Now, for those of you who are behind the rest of the class, the 2006 February DC Comics Solicits are important because they are the last issues before the entire product line leaps forward for one year, with the exception, of course, of Infinite Crisis, because they are cocky enough to show us the results of the end of that storyline before actually showing us the end of that storyline.

They took it down but it was too late! Several specimens from the Online Message Board Sub-culture seized onto the news. And there was copying, and pasting, and oh yes, Panicking.

Much Panicking.

Because what should have said "Final Issue" (I'm looking in your direction, Supergirl) did not (Which doesn't necessarily mean that it's not ending, we'll see when the March solicits come out for sure). And two books that should certainly not have said "Final Issue" did.

And for the first time since I started reading comics, I will not be reading The Flash.

Because it's not even offered.

And those sneaky butts didn't even say "Final Issue" for January's solicits!

No, the title "Finish Line" didn't imply anything! How many times have those Rotten Bastiches promised us Superman would die! Or that This would be the End of Superman!

And how many times have they followed through?

Three!

Three Lousy Times! In over 60 years of publishing!

So naturally, when I see "The End" or "Dies" or "Finished" I tend not to believe it unless it actually contains the words "Final Issue."

They're just trying to scare us, that's all. They are just trying to scare us.

Wally will survive. Wally will most definitely survive. Killing another Flash is just way too obvious.

They can relaunch the series without replacing Wally.

Yes, they can.

And hey, they can replace Wally without killing him!

Yes, they can. They did it with Starman!

And Green Lantern!

Hell, they did it twice with Green Lantern!

Oh, wait...

Anyway, I'm not even mildly afraid for Wonder Woman. The entire DC Editorial staff doesn't have the collective cajones needed to off a character that big.

Well, Grant Morrison probably does. But they have him distracted with Seven Soldiers right now.

However, this and other news will be forcing me to pick up Wizard #171 while I am on vacation. In November. In the Land of Snow and Mountains. Visiting a place that is 30 minutes from the nearest comic book store in the Summer.

Yes, I am going to drive 30 minutes (realistically, though, it will be an hour for snow) to the middle of a city that hasn't seen progress since the Coal-Mining Era, from the middle of a valley that believes the Earth is Flat and there is a straight drop to Oblivion beyond the Pocono Mountain Ridge that surrounds them, to spend six entire dollars on a magazine, which will probably feature at least six pages on two-dimensional breasts.

But it will have a confirmed cancellation list from DC Comics.

The official announcement of the new Green Lantern artist (and perhaps some preview pages!)

And of course, the announcement of Ron Marz's new DC project. Now, nearly everyone knows I'm not much of a Ron Marz fan (No offense to the man, I've seen his posts online and he is the very personification of class -- and I hear he sings well too!) -- his writing has skill, but it's not really my cup of tea. But, hearing this announcement should lay to rest a rumor that plagues my thoughts.

Well, actually, several rumors which plague my thoughts:
1) That there will be an "Ion" series launched in March
2) That Kyle Rayner will be getting his own on-going series again
3) That Kyle will be internalizing his powers during Infinite Crisis and leaving the Green Lantern Corps
4) That Kyle will be fed up with the Guardians and leaving the Green Lantern Corps that he worked his ass off to restart
5) That Kyle will be taking the name "Ion" again, and possibly the powers
6) That Ron Marz will be writing for DC "a title that has never been seen before, starring a character that has"
7) That Ron Marz will be writing Kyle Rayner as Ion
8) That Kyle Rayner will be dying.

On the bright side, though, if this is true: It means Kyle lives. And, as I think Kyle Rayner was the best thing to ever come out of Ron Marz's head, I'll at least be buying the first storyline, to see if I like what's going on.

But, I hope Marz is playing with a different hero (or heroine -- Hey, maybe we'll get to see a male love interest die gruesomely! No, that wasn't a cheap shot. His record and his thoughts on killing off supporting characters is well-documented! I just think he should get a fair shake and a chance to stuff a man in a fridge to prove he's not a misogynist, okay? Okay, I just wanna see a male supporting character stuffed into an appliance to even the score. But Ron Marz is the man to do it!). Because I like how Gibbons and Johns are writing Kyle right now, and I want to see where they take him.

I'll find out a week from Wednesday.

Meanwhile, Midtown Comics has Green Lantern #5 on it's confirmed shipping list. Maybe we can finally see what Hal Jordan's been up to. And it should put to rest another rumor that has been plaguing the DC Comics Message boards this week.

Haiku Tunnel

Haiku Tunnel is a Damn Good Movie.

It doesn't involve anyone wearing spandex or leather, or flying, or shooting lasers from their eyes, or explosions, or any of the things I normally seek in a movie. But it was still a Damn Good Movie, worthy of Capitalization.

I picked it up in the rental store because it had a strange name. The cover had a picture of the starring comedian -- Josh Kornbluth, Neurotic Adventurer -- up to his nose in paperwork, with "An Office Comedy" stamped across his face in black ink. I'd never heard of the movie, or Josh Kornbluth, but I was feeling experimental so I figured "What the Hell?"

It was definitely worth renting. It features neither Tunnels nor Japanese Poetry (Though I'm sure we could find Haikus if we dissected the dialogue). It chronicles a hopeful novelist as he moves from being a Temp Worker to a Permanent Secretary (or "Perm"). He does very well his first day, as a Temp, and then everything kind of spirals out of control. There are many fine "Thank gawd I'm not That Guy" moments as you watch his priorities crumble in his inept hands.

It seems to be based on my ex-boyfriend's life. The last man I dated looks (except for the hair, my ex has a full head of hair, and a somewhat fuller stomach) and behaves precisely like the main character in this movie. He even had the same job -- Temp. Only he went onto permanent work at a charitable organization. Our Mr Kornbluth works for the Prince of Darkness, a Partner at the law firm Schuyler & Mitchell (S&M).

I didn't realize this parallel until halfway through the movie, when I stood up and yelled at the screen "Hey! I've dated that shiftless, lying bastard!"

This wasn't an abrupt change for me, as I had spent most of the movie yelling at the screen. In fact, as the movie wore on, I found myself yelling progressively worse insults at the main character:
"Stupid!"
"Why don't you just mail the stupid letter!"
"Idiot!"
"Lazy moron!"
"Deceitful jerk!"
"Yuppie-Spawn!"
"Aspiring Writer!"

It naturally enhanced the overall experience to leap to "Ex-boyfriend!"

But, of course, that's my idea of fun. (This is why, when I lost a bet a few years ago, my friend Joe was able to sit next to me at the A-Con Hentai Festival, without losing any body parts. Because the entire night was just an excuse to yell rude things at the screen).

To be honest, the only thing more enjoyable than yelling at the show, is throwing things at the show. If you see me in the Audience at a live performance, Enter at Your Own Risk.

But, of course, this is Frowned Upon In Polite Society, so I tend to stick to rentals. And occasionally, I find a funny one.

And this was a beautifully funny one, blissfully devoid of sappiness and moralizing -- without sinking to the crude level of Frat Boy Entertainment. A refreshing film in today's comedic landscape. And, just when you think there's no possible way for the movie to be better -- A They Might Be Giants song!

I think I'll watch a second time. Coincidentally, this DVD contains a preview for the Tao of Steve, which was also a surprisingly good movie that I picked up on a whim in the rental store. However, that one didn't feature any character types that I myself have dated.

Pun-tastic Classics

I've been reading Jack Kirby's New Gods collection and I just had to stop for a moment, because I got the point where Orion fights Dark Seid's underwater troops: The Deep Six.

The Deep Six

Peter David has nothing on Jack Kirby.

Recovering from Mom

It's been an interesting few days. Mom and Aunt Marilee were in town, and they are perfect stereotypical Middle-Aged American Tourists. They insisted upon running all over the city looking for sites to see and they just had to eat at Toby Keith's restauraunt. I still have three styrofoam containers full of food leftover from lunch yesterday. It could have been worse. Last time she was in town, Mom made me drive down to his ranch to take pictures of the gates. I wouldn't let her out of the car, for fear she'd jump the fence! I think I'm seeing the beginnings of a Elvis-level obsession here. Twenty years after his death, Mom will call me from Shady Pines to tell me how she saw him at the park with Bigfoot and Ghandi. *Shudder*
Anyway, they both left early this morning, and I had to wake up to see them off. So, I've had the entire day to waste as I see fit.

So, why am I only now posting on my Blog, at 11:30 this evening? I was extraordinarily busy today -- reading comics, reading blogs, reading message boards, etc...

Anyway, I had some time to wander, and peruse the archives, and I have some lovely new links for everyone.

Firstly, James Meeley of The Comics Asylum has a review of Flash #227 up that mirrors my own feelings fairly well. He's also a self-professed Kyle Rayner fan, and looking through his archives I can see he likes space-Kyle and laid out DC's coverage plan for Green Lantern as far back as February, which is pretty impressive, actually.

Then we have Bully, the little stuffed bull of Bully Says: Comics Oughta Be Fun! I can't help but imagine a squeaky, child voice when I read his writing, but he's still worth checking out simply because of this post.

Somebody linked me to "Dr. Doom's Top Ten Euphemisms for Sex" (Posted October 9th, if you're willing to search the archives) on Progressive Ruin and it was hilarious, but I can't remember who or find the link again. Whoever it was, thank you.

And, because such a thing is a rare find: Snark Free Waters Yes, a non-snarky blog. Wow. They're doing a fun clone game right now.

On the message baords, I found a worthwhile interview -- Dave Gibbons gives a few behind-the-scenes hints about Rann-Thanagar War and a bit of teasing about the Green Lantern Corps ongoing.

Same site also has a very fun imaginary dialogue for anyone who has read the JLA: Tower of Babel storyline.

I also took some of the online quizzes everyone links to, but the answer codes won't instantly work, and I don't feel up to manipulating them so that they do.

I'd Rather Be Defending Dave Gibbons.

Tom over at the Fortress of Soliloquy has finally posted that massive Infinite Crisis post he promised. It was worth reading, but massive. He goes from the start of Countdown and ties it all together, though. Very impressive.

Anyway, because between Summatives (Finals) and Mom visiting I don't have time to analyze and defend Rann-Thanagar War (Yes, I know I'm the only one who liked it!), I thought I'd just acknowledge having read Fortress of Soliloquy by adopting the term "Blogohedron" over "Blogosphere."

That's all. Now I must clean furiously, and hide all of the things my mother disapproves of. (I'll put the comic book boxes in front of my "special closet." She'll never look behind them!)

My Sister Will Not Be Surprised.

(In case you're curious, I was linked to this via The Absorbascon)

the Prankster
(42% dark, 38% spontaneous, 31% vulgar) your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | LIGHT



Your humor has an intellectual, even conceptual slant to it. You're not
pretentious, but you're not into what some would call 'low humor'
either. You'll laugh at a good dirty joke, but you definitely prefer
something clever to something moist.

You
probably like well-thought-out pranks and/or spoofs and it's highly
likely you've tried one of these things yourself. In a lot of ways,
yours is the most entertaining type of humor because it's smart without
being mean-spirited.


PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Conan O'Brian - Ashton Kutcher



The 3-Variable Funny Test!

"Hey! Waddya know... Ragnell wants to socialize!"

I must confess, I'm a little nervous about Netiquette. Particularly links. So, I put off showing my local blogiverse explorations with the Internet at large, worried that I might be impolite. I figured I'd just ask before posting any links.

I only asked one person -- Scipio at The Absorbascon -- because his humor is absolutely irresistible. If you read comics, or used to read comics, and want a laugh, visit him. He is very reliable in this area.

Anyway, when I was making my regular rounds and saw the Fortress of Soliloquy today, I noticed something. He linked to me. I did a double-take. Somebody actually linked to me. Somebody actually liked me enough to do that. It felt pretty cool. Now, I'm not sure what I did to deserve this honor (Probably the Donna Troy post. That went over fairly well), but I figure one good link deserves a few more. After all, that's how I find all of my blogs, by linking, then linking again, then linking again. Hitchhiking the Internet, I suppose. And it's a public service, now that Fanboy Rampage is closing down. Thus today's expanded sidebar.

Perhaps a quick tour is in order. So, without further ado, the Wonders of the Comic Book Blogiverse (I'm not fond of the term Blogosphere either) for less than thirty dollars a day:

Scipio at the Absorbascon is currently doing a beautiful series on the unintentional humor of Crisis on Infinite Earths. I've found some real gems in his archives, too. A fine place to waste an evening. He's a huge Thanagar supporter, but he's funny so we can forgive him.

Comics Ate My Brain caught my attention with some good Green Lantern posts. Now, granted, he's not nearly as obsessed as I am right now (Rest assured, when a better comic comes along I will begin to obsess over that -- I couldn't stop talking about Wonder Woman over the Summer. Autumn must be Lantern Season). He also has the most endearing nickname for his spouse.

Comics Should Be Good is hit and miss for me, mainly because of opinion differences, but they have some good features sometimes.

Marionette of Dance of the Puppets knows more about Wonder Woman than I can ever dream.

Double Articulation -- This man validates my sanity. Never have I seen anyone who reads more symbolism into comics than I do. This is a good site to get lost in.

Facedown in the Gutters is light on the Lanterns, but still highly enjoyable. He writes series posts. He just finished reviewing a box of random comics, and if you check the archives you can find his Costumes critiques. He also has similar music tastes to mine.

Tom Foss over at the Fortress of Soliloquy is still writing his Infinite Crisis #1 review, but in the meantime he nearly has me convinced to pick up Superman: Shadow of Apokolips. And he's the first Rann supporter I regularly visit. In fact, I envy his Rann posters. I haven't worked up the courage to ask to link to them yet. "Science over Savagery!"

"Seven Hells!" is another Thanagarian support site. Devon is some sort of Seer, evidenced by the accurate prediction of Infinite Crisis a year beforehand.

Shadow of the Written World is a LiveJournal written by the Earth-2 version of me, Morchades. I needed an alternate universe self to comment on my sister's journal (she only exists on Earth-2 and Earth-4), and the name Ragnell was used over there. I started using it for non-comics stuff, and it works out nicely. But the writing style is the same, and that's what matters. I included this link because, in honor of the upcoming holiday, I wrote the Scariest LiveJournal Entry Ever Written (for US citizens, at least) and I'm rather proud of it. I felt it should be shared with as many people as possible.

Tales to Mildly Astonish is not just comics, but a wide variety of oddness. I saw the subtitle and felt compeled to bookmark it. Worth it just for the Star Trek IV post

Two Guys Buying Comics is one I always check, even if I don't agree with some of the reviews. We're on the same page for Green Lantern, though.

What WERE They Thinking? is one of the most fun sites online. Warning: Some of those panels are Just. Plain. Wrong.

Your Moment of Kim is a peek into my older sister's twisted mind. She has stopped reading comics, so no reviews here. Enter at your own risk.

The Zeta-Beam is written by another Rann-Man. He won me over with his Legion of Super-Mullets post.

And there you have it: a tour of the Comic Book Blogiverse with access to plenty of back roads I myself haven't explored, should you choose a strange direction. Enjoy!