Sunday, December 04, 2005

More Green Lantern Fun: Qwardian Television

BAWBB BAHRKUR (Looks like Jim Carrey): Thank you, and welcome back to "Wicked Awesome!" -- the show where real-life villians tell you their stories of their evil exploits, and you, the audience, vote for the Best of the Worst! Our next contestant is old favorite who we thought was dead, but he proves you can't keep a bad man down. And this is a man so bad, the first thing he told us when he got to Qward was that we're not evil enough!! Hailing from the positive matter universe of Drawq -- let's hear it for Sinestro!

(Cheers from the audence, as Sinestro walks onto stage,smiling and waving. He blows a few kisses before he stands next Bawbb)

BAWBB: Welcome back, Sinestro!

SINESTRO: Delighted to be back, Bawbb.

BAWBB: So, Sinestro, tell us about your evil plan to destroy the Guardians of Drawq.

SINESTRO: Well, it turns out the Guardians of the positive matter universe have more than a few skeletons in their closet so to speak. It turns out that the infamous "yellow impurity" of the Green Lantern power rings isn't so much a design flaw, as a sentient creature.

BAWBB: Oh, come on!

SINESTRO: I'm serious, Bawbb. The Central Power Battery on their homeworld of Oa was not created to power their minions. It was created as a prison! And it housed one of the worst entities of both universes -- a creature of living fear known only as Parallax!

BAWBB: Wow, can we get a picture of Parallax for everybody. (Picture appears on screen) My, he's... a big yellow bug monster.

SINESTRO: Who controls minds!

BAWBB: Well, that's somewhat impressive.

SINESTRO: Don't worry, it gets better.

BAWBB: I hope so.

SINESTRO: If you remember, my arch-nemesis in the positive-matter universe is the Green Lantern of Sector 2814, Hal Jordan. He was a pupil of mine until he turned on me at my trial. As a result, I was demonized, and shunned bymy own people. Even now, on my homeworld of Korugar, my name is used in stories to frighten small children at night, or as an insult teenagers use to their parents when they rebel.

(Audience cheers)

BAWBB (Winning Smile): Well, that's truly impressive, but you know the rules, Sinestro, prior bad acts are inadmissable! Only the scheme in question!

SINESTRO (Gives Bawb the "I'd like to freeze you in carbonite and punt you into a black hole" look): Of course. Anyway, I decided to do that same to Jordan. I awoke Parallax, who naturally looked for a Lantern to corrupt and break him loose. I pointed him in Jordan's direction. Slowly he corrupted Jordan, filled him with fear. And, when his hometown of Coast City was destroyed--

BAWBB: And how did you destroy Coast City?

SINESTRO: I didn't. Someone else disintegrated it.

(Sounds of disapproval from the audience)

SINESTRO: Again, we still haven't gotten to the best part! Bear with me (Audience quiets down) Once his hometown was destroyed, his defenses went down. Parallax lured him to Oa where he destroyed the Central Power Battery, killed his best friend, and caused all but one of the Guardians to commit suicide!

(Audience applauds and cheers)

BAWBB: A truly evil plan, Sinestro! But let's see what our audience says.

(A vote talley appears onscreen)
Gypo-Bax 88
Sinestro 92
Gny-Gryngg 52
Borbrydi 50
Karo-Thynn 44

BAWBB: 92, that puts you in the lead! And puts us at an advantage, if there are no longer any Green Lanterns. We can invade the positive matter universe without worrying about--

SINESTRO: Oh, well, there are Green Lanterns again.

BAWBB: Really? But with no Power Battery..

SINESTRO: It was rebuilt.

BAWBB: The Guardians are all dead.

SINESTRO: They've been reborn.

BAWBB (Attempts to look on the bright side): But Jordan is still under Parallax's influence...

SINESTRO (Visibly annoyed by this train of questioning): He shook it.

BAWBB: And set Parallax loose on reality?

SINESTRO (Shakes head): Back in the battery.

BAWBB (Laughs): But your arch-nemesis still killed his best friend!

SINESTRO (Deep breath): He got better.

BAWBB: Well, surely some bad still remains. Did your scheme have any lasting effect at all?

SINESTRO (Thinks it over carefully): The Guardians now have an extremely unpredictable and imaginative Senior Lantern who is especially resistant to mind control, that they likely wouldn't have even considered hiring if the last Guardian hadn't been driven to desperation by Jordan's rampage.

BAWBB: I see.

SINESTRO: But it would have all worked if he hadn't found out about Parallax. But, I suppose being the only Green Lantern at the point all the history was just attracted to him.

BAWBB: If he was the only one, why didn't you kill him?

SINESTRO (Defensively): Well, it would have attracted the attention of the last Guardian, who didn't realize Parallax was out and about.

BAWBB: I see, so you caused them to go from 3600 Lanterns, to 1, to 3600--

SINESTRO (Need to be right completely overwhelms desire to win): 7200. They're doubling in size, so that they can keep an eye on each other.

BAWBB (Stares at Sinestro, then conjures his winning smile again): Well, lets talley up the votes again!

(Numbers scroll on the on-screen vote talley, giving us a new score)
Gypo-Bax 119
Sinestro 1
Gny-Gryngg 67
Borbrydi 70
Karo-Thynn 69

BAWBB: And the final winner is: Gypo-Bax, for poisoning the water supply of mobile Ranxx City with his fiendish techno-virus! Thanks to him, all of the citizens are now part of a mechanical hive-mind, and totally evil!

(Gypo-Bax walks onstage to claim his prize money, presented to him by the beautiful and cruel Vehnha Black)

BAWBB: Well, I'd like to congratulate Gypo-Bax and the sentient City of Ranxx on their victory. I'd also like to thank all of our contestants, and our sponsors: Happy Harry Hitler's Haunted Haberdashery, The Power Posse, Ming's Worlds of Weapons, and Walt Disney Productions! I'd also like to once again welcome Sinestro back to the Universe of Qward. (Puts his arm around a sullen Sinestro) Is there anything you'd like to say, Sin?

SINESTRO (Low voice): I would have won if it weren't for that meddling kid.

BAWBB: Well, you should have killed him then. Goodnight, folks!


  1. HAHAHA! Inspired!

    And you bring up a point I can't believe no one else has mentioned. If Sinestro was alive that whole time, then why didn't he kill Kyle?

  2. Fun indeed! I especially like the roster of sponsors for the program.

  3. "Gypo-Bax 88
    Sinestro 92
    Gny-Gryngg 52
    Borbrydi 50
    Karo-Thynn 44"

    Nice reference.

    Very nice.

  4. diamondrock -- I think the best explanation is the one I outlined. He didn't want Ganthet to realize what had actually happened to Hal, and figured a surefire way to get the last Guardian's unwelcome attention was to personally kill the last Lantern.
    That, and I suspect Kyle's chaotic fighting style unsettled him. Sinestro is a control freak, after all.

    melchior -- I'm especially proud of those myself.

    Scipio -- You're not the only one who bought that Showcase. :)

  5. ...for some reason I find it incredibly amusing whenever you call Kyle a "meddling kid".

    Poor Sinestro. Maybe next year.

  6. You know, in the Showcase volume they never did show if he got enough votes. For all we knows, he's been losing every year and that's why he's so ticked off.

  7. BAWBB: Well, you should have killed him then. Goodnight, folks!