Saturday, June 10, 2006

As I'm Already Destined for a House on the Corner and Fifty Cats..

Everytime I pick up a Volume 1 Wonder Woman comic, there is always one new thing I learn about the Pre-Crisis Amazons.

Every time I've learned something new about the Amazons lately, it's been about some sadistic decree handed down by Aphrodite "Heaven's Just a Sin Away" Pandemos. The latest surprise (Courtesy Wonder Woman #306) comes after an assassin stabs Steve in the shoulder in a murder attempt, and Diana comes to his rescue. The assassin has throwing knives that will cut through anything, including Diana's bracers. One of them shatters, and she suddenly hugs herself and turns aside.

While Steve is lying injured on the ground.

And the assassin stands over them with a knife.

So what's the problem, Diana?

One of my Mythology Books calls Aphrodite "The Unholy One" and I've never seen the reference. But I believe it. This is totally in-character. That Goddess is mean, and does not take kindly to neglect in any form. She has struck people with madness, struck their lovers with madness, turned them to birds, bushes, and trees, killed daughters-in-law by force of beauty (that's kind of an interesting story), brought inanimate objects to life -- all because they passed up one too many worship opportunities.

Mainly, she sticks to madness when people piss her off.

Take heed, mortal! Cast aside your puritanical ways before it's too late! Don't let your reason be driven away by her power. Your mind is a terrible thing to lose. Join the Cult of Aphrodite (Hourly Rates Available for the Tithe) today.

Worship services for this Goddess are scheduled daily in the early evening, late evening, midnight, early morning, noon, and during coffee breaks whereever two consentual adult bodies can comfortably squeeze together privately.

Partnership is encouraged, but not mandatory. There is a private ritual that can be performed in your bathroom at home that is equally satisfactory to Our Lady of the Midway Motel, and considerably less of a hassle.

Don't neglect this Goddess. Don't fall to stupidity, unrequited-love, nice guy syndrome, self-pity, sadness, whinging. Don't piss her off with cluelessness.

Don't let Emo happen to you.


  1. ...

    Can I be personally offended, dear sister? Or is this impersonal?

    Hee hee.

  2. Sin, if you'd like to believe that all of my posts about love-crazed emo worshippers of sex are directed at you, go right ahead.

    This way, I can believe that all of your posts about sensible people are directed at me. :)

    (Seriously, though, it was impersonal.)

  3. Aphrodite is also the "Laughter-Lover" you know :P Being mean is a function of the Greek gods. They're beautiful, wonderful, and necessary parts of life. But they're also rage, and madness, and terrifying primordial forces outside of human control.

    Although I agree that no one should let emo happen to them. And if fear of the Laughter-Lover will steer them away from that path... well, ya gotta do what ya gotta do :)

  4. Tek -- Oh don't get me wrong, I adore Aphrodite! Anyone with a dancecard longer than Zeus's is truly impressive. She is awesome, as are all of the Greeks and my biggest pet peeve about the Perez relaunch was the life being drained from the Pantheon in an effort to "dignify" them. (And I still worry now that when they get handled in-character, they get handled without respect -- Athena in WW#226, Vol 2, and Hades in Land of the Dead was OOC, despite everyone else being wonderful) Rucka was the first writer to come close to handling them right that I'd seen.

    With the exception of some of these Pre-Crisis writers, because that is something Aphrodite would do.

    Here I was just pointing out that there may be a connection between "Emo" and neglect of the Goddess. Just a tiny one.

  5. Here I was just pointing out that there may be a connection between "Emo" and neglect of the Goddess. Just a tiny one.

    Well... I suppose I can't disagree with you there :)