Monday, January 30, 2006

Feminine Facts

Gordon of BlogThisPal! fame has a fun list of Random Wildcat Facts up (ala the Chuck Norris List) and suggested others contribute.

I like Wildcat, but I'm not an expert. I do, however, know a few things about his old girlfriend, Queen Hippolyta (better known to Wildcat as Polly), the mother of Wonder Woman.

Random Facts About the JSA Wonder Woman

-- Hippolyta had no need of divine intervention to have children. She brought Wonder Woman into the world solely aided by her own mighty feminity, through intense concentration on her womb and willing it to fertilization. Because even Amazons are overwhelmed by the sheer power of Hippolyta's womanhood, her chief spin doctor Phillipus made up a story about sculpting a baby out of clay, and threw in some deities for good measure.

-- Why are so many comic-book women badly written? The writers don't feel they can stand up to the glory that is Hippolyta.

-- Hippolyta's only son? Chuck Norris.

-- The only man virile enough to satisfy the Queen of the Amazons more than once is Wildcat. When the two finally met in 1941, their very first kiss tore at the very fabric of reality. The resulting breakdown in the space-time continuum was the true reason for Crisis on Infinite Earths. Krona was just a glory-seeker.

-- Hippolyta is not actually Ares' daughter. Hippolyta has no father. She emerged fully grown and wielding a sword from a Volcano during the Earth's formative years.

-- While she is generally believed to be a youthful 3 millenia old, Hippolyta was in fact the first sentient person born on this planet. Her exact age is unknown, but the hot flashes she experienced when she underwent menopause resulted in the end of the last Ice Age.

-- Hippolyta, after her death, does not reside in Hades. The forty-room manor she was offered in the Elysian Fields was too small, and the 72 slave boys for her pleasure were simply not enough selection. Instead she pinched the Ferryman on the behind, and then lept across the river Styx. She took up residence on Olympus, and nobody said a word for fear of her sword.

-- The Mayans were the first human civilization to discover time-travel. When they peered into the future, they saw Hippolyta, in her Wonder Woman costume, wielding a sword and determined that she was the Herald to the End of the Universe, and figured there would only be a few more years afterwards, tops. They set their calenders accordingly.

-- In the 40s, Queen Hippolyta used the last name "Esther" in her secret identity. This was suggestion of the Flash. It's a good thing he can run fast.

-- Hippolyta once convinced the entire Green Lantern Corps to take a group picture, from the back. She has it on her wall.


  1. I have to disagree.

    Nothing could birth Chuck. One round house and hippys womb would have exploded in a shower of blood and candy.

    No Chuck just always has been, sort of like god only much cooler and karate powered.

  2. R., I like this; here's one from me:

    Neil Armstrong, embarking upon his first steps on the moon, turned a corner and was stunned to find Hippolyta standing in his path. "Did you bring my wine?" she asked. "Because I specifically asked for wine." When Armstrong shook his head in confusion, the Amazon heartily scorned him. "Leave it to the gods to have dispatched a bungler as the first man on the moon!"

  3. Is Mogo in the group picture too? Mogo's got the finest backside of the entire universe!

  4. How can you tell Mogo's backside from his frontside?

    Oh, and Ragnell, I linked from LJ, and probably will from AG forums, too. Heh.