Friday, November 18, 2005

DC Comics Wishlist

Things I'd like to see in the DCU (But probably won't):

Wonder Woman
-- Diana, having gotten Athena's throne for her, is officially released from her mission. She steps down as Themiscyran Ambassador. She takes a roadtrip to find herself, and realizes that she was happiest when she was a newcomer to Patriarch's World because her heart is in seeing and learning about new things. She dons her Wonder Woman costume again, and throws herself into exploration. The series is no longer limited to the embassy, but spans the entire Earth, all ancient legend, outer space, and other dimensions as well.

-- Celtic legends finally make it to Wonder Woman. First up, Diana fights Scathach.

-- Hippolyta returns to life, and is appointed High Priestess of Athena on Themiscyra, which frees her to come to Patriarch's World and beat up Evil because Athena is a war goddess, and that would be a form of worship.

-- Hermes returns as a regular supporting cast member, when he learns to tap "indirect worship." He promptly modernizes, and returns to his traditional position as the God of Commerce, Communication, and Travel. He sets up shop in the largest available temple to all three on Earth -- The New York Stock Exchange. He has a little booth like Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche had in Trading Places. Aphrodite visits him often, and they close the curtains on the booths. When this occurs, every single person in the building exits with more money than they had when they came in -- even the janitor. On the other hand, when Hermes heard that his own brother was shacking up with Circe, stocks plummeted so fast the Flash appeared to be standing still.

-- We see scenes set in Hermes' quarters on Olympus. There is a poker game perpetually taking place there -- played by his mother Maia, and his four daughters: Peitho (Goddess of Seduction, in a little red dress), Tyche (blind Goddess of Chance, dressed as a casino blackjack dealer), Eunomia (Goddess of Lawfulness, dressed in an old-fashioned tweed ladies' suit), and Angelina (A Messenger Goddess, dressed in UPS brown). No matter what occurs in the foreground, the poke game always continues. If a fight overturns the table, the ladies pick up their cards and continue playing on the other side of the room.
These Goddesses have been playing poker for at least three years, and are still on their first hand.

-- Ares kicks Circe out on her leather-clad butt. (Wait, this one will probably happen)

-- Persephone protests day and night at Olympus until her husband Hades is brought back to life. Athena grants her wish, not because of her persistance, but because Athena realizes what a monumentally stupid thing it is to have Ares and Circe running a prison full of her worst enemies.

--The Themiscyran Goddess Tyche (Hermes' daughter, the chick with the giant Wheel) publicly establishes a temple in Las Vegas. A worried Wonder Woman goes to reason with her, realizes absolutely nothing has changed in Las Vegas with the goddess of gambling physically present, and leaves her alone.

--Donna Troy makes exactly as many appearances in the next twenty years as Harbinger made in the last twenty. (We may occasionally see her show up on Oa to bang Kyle when she gets especially lonely, but she always sneaks out before he wakes up and never leaves a note!)

-- Wonder Girl (Cassandra Sandsmark) manages to make even fewer appearances.

Green Lantern:
-- This book ships monthly (I kid because I love)

-- More Gremliny goodness!

-- Jade is possessed by a Zamoran warrior's essence, and as a result becomes a competent hero.

-- Ice returns to life, marries Guy Gardner, and moves to Oa to man the Dispatch board for the GLC while she pumps out little Vuldarian/Frost Diety/Human mix children. ("Look at all our little mutant babies!")

-- Hal Jordan uses his head more often. (So I like this picture, so what?)

--Vril Dox II branches out from "protection" to "art dealing" when they start forging Kyle Rayner's signature on various Earth-style drawing, and selling them at outrageous prices. Apparently, Kyle's artwork has major religious significance on Oa, Zamora, and some backwoods little world called Mogo. Most Green Lanterns consider it lucky to carry at least one piece of paper that Kyle has drawn on or signed. It's also popular among Korugarian teenagers trying to freak out their parents.

-- In Opal City, the Shade and Commissioner O'Dare argue about the lack of heroes to protect the city, and in particular, the lack of action on the Shade's part to correct this problem. Just as the phrase "Heroes don't exactly fall from the heavens, Clarence" is heard, a rift in the space-time continuum appears exactly four feet above their heads. Starboy, of the Legion of Superheroes (Any version, though the post-Zero-Hour would be easiest since he's currently lost in time) falls out of it, and lands at their feet.
He immediately throws up on the Shade's $200 wingtips.
Guess how Shade makes him pay for the damages.

-- Shining Knight (from Morrison's Seven Soldiers reboot) sets up shop in Opal City shortly afterwords. With that one new resident, Opal City officially passes Keystone as having the largest time-displaced population in the DCU.

-- At a press conference, the Shade gets irritated by an inquisitive reporter. He opens a dark portal below the reporter and her cameraman with his shadow powers. They fall through.
At the home of Jay Garrick, Golden Age Flash, the old hero walks out in his bathrobe to get his morning paper. A dark portal opens above him, and reporter and cameraman land at his feet.

-- The Shade, personally reviewing his accounts for the first time decades, manages to figure out exactly how much money he is owed for years of Injustice Society work. Calculator in hand, he sets out to extract payment from his old boss, the Wizard. He finds the Wizard, and the modern Injustice Society, in the middle of a fight with the JSA. Hilarity ensues.


  1. You have no idea how much money I would be willing to part with to see the Shade go over his finances. Him beating the bejeezus out of, like, Blackbriar Thorn is just gravy.

  2. -- Ice returns to life, marries Guy Gardner, and moves to Oa to man the Dispatch board for the GLC while she pumps out little Vuldarian/Frost Diety/Human mix children. ("Look at all our little mutant babies!")

    Visions of Guy Gardner crying out:

    "But we only...that is I...we only did it once."

    As he is surrounded by the beasts/his loving children as Ice comes home from the switchboard to give birth again.

    "Well if you think this is all my fault, I would suggest you look into Vuldarian birthing habits," she retorts.

    An object lesson in not breeding with deities...especially if you are already of mixed Human/Vuldarian descent.



  3. Sometimes I wonder what makes Diana so interested in learning everything about the universe. Maybe she should have stayed as the ambassador.

  4. Oh, I want to see the one with Starboy. Your way, not the way that DC is kinda doing it, with the Classic Legion Starboy as Starman.
    Though that's pretty funny.

    YES. That is a Wonder Woman I want.