Monday, June 25, 2007

30 Ways to Piss Off Kyle's Fans

This week I got caught up in the Flash and other matters, so I nearly missed my chance to discuss this quote:
Van Sciver remarked, “Kyle Rayner fans may not like us after June.”
Its June 24th, and Sinestro Corps (supposedly) comes out on the 27th, so we only have a few days to guess at what he means. True, this is assuming that we can trust him (Hey, for all we know, Hal fans are the ones getting screwed over again), but some people are taking this as a fairly big clue as to Kyle's fate. The going rumor, of course, is still that Kyle will be taken over by Parallax. I'm sure there are some people reading this very post who are taking this as the only logical option.

But Ethan Van Sciver is not necessarily referring to that. There are numerous ways to screw over that character that do not involve creating Kyllax. Come to think of it, there are numerous perfectly harmless additions one can make to the character that will royally piss off his fanbase anyway. Anyone remember when Winick retconned him to Half-Hispanic? Kylefans had a collective shitfit. Given the nature of fandom, I don't doubt that there was racism involved in some objections. However, the retconning of his father from potentially evil government spook to superspy good guy in hiding was also involved, so I wouldn't say that's a definite reason someone would object.

Personally, I was more annoyed at the diversity cheat there. You think that fucking counts, Winick? He looks white. He has an Irish name. He was raised Irish. He doesn't even KNOW the other side of the family! YOU STILL OWE US A HISPANIC CHARACTER WINICK!!!

*Ahem*

Anyway, there's a lot of stuff that Johns can do to piss off Kyle fans, and we have only until Wednesday to get our theories out there before Green Lantern fans get shifted to a completely different track of mind (mainly, how to get revenge for whatever they've done to our precious Kyle). So, without further ado (and with the assistance of Kalinara), I present...

30 Ways to Piss Off Kyle Fans
1. Kyle is possessed by Parallax.

2. Kyle voluntarily hosts Parallax, figuring he can control him. He fucks this up big time.

3. Kyle loses his powers and is fired by the Guardians for it.

4. He returns as the new Star Sapphire.

5. Sinestro kills Kyle and stuffs him into Hal's refrigerator.

6. Kyle Rayner meets an alternate universe version of himself and gets involved in a relationship with her. They both die horribly at the hands of each other's enemies.

7. Kyle loses his powers and the use of his legs. He's a non-powered supporting cast member for the next ten years, then gets his powers back to become a twice a year guest star.

8. Kyle loses his powers and has to use a yellow ring. Within the next year he loses it, and discovers he has alien heritage and funky powers from that heritage.

9. Kyle gets kidnapped on the first page and taken out of the action until September.

10. Kyle's mom returns as Parallax. She becomes Ion after killing Kyle and sucking out his powers.

11. Kyle is not only 50% Irish, 50% Mexican, but he's part Kenyan, Australian, Cherokee, and Japanese. But he still looks white, so he gets panel time.

12. In their most thoughtful (sadly) attempt yet to appeal to female readers, DC brings us its newest retcon: Kyla Rayner.

13. Rather than retcon, Kyla Rayner is a plotline designed to appeal to transgendered fans.

14. Either way, she's getting married to Connor Hawke in October. There will be three special wedding issue tie-ins, and Superman jumps out of the cake again. Female readers are pissed because he's wearing all of his clothes again.

15. Kyle is de-aged to 15 and officially becomes the Kid Sidekick.

16. Kyle is ambushed by 6 of Hal's enemies. 3 of them back off, saying that Kyle's a child and not a Green Lantern, the other 3 attack with full force and kill him.

17. An announcement is made in the DC Nation column that Brad Meltzer will write a new miniseries: Kyle Rayner Gets His Ass Kicked Across the DCU.

18. Kyle sacrifices his power and his life to reignite the sun, and returns as the Spectre.

19. Kyle is out in the middle of a battle with Hal. He warns Hal to watch out, because the enemies are targetting him as the stranger one, but Hal doesn't heed his warning and a stray strike fries Kyle. In his last moments he bequeaths his powers to Hal.

20. Sinestro fakes Kyle's death to cover his capture. While Kyle is being tortured on Qward, Hal and Donna Troy start to date. This leads to a wedding in December, with three special one-shots, Superman jumping out of the cake, and Donna calls off the wedding because of a telepathic link with Kyle they'd never displayed before. Hal saves Kyle, who then goes into a coma for a few years. Upon waking from the coma, Kyle has brain damage and is unrecognizeable as a character. He dumps Donna.

21. Kyle gives up art to join the military.

22. Kyle discovers he has the ability to warp reality. After learning that the fat guy in Austin that Judd Winick wrote was merely a creation of that power and his unconcious desperate need to have a father figure, Kyle loses his mind and subtly attacks the JLA. He kills Oliver Queen (Nobody minds) and causes the Justice League to disband. Later, he remakes the world according to Hal's wishes, and when he's called on that he whispers "No more superheroes..." -- Okay, forget this one. Its just too mean.

23. It turns out that Kyle was secretly sent by his father (or some thing pretending to be his father) to kill Hal. This complicates things at the Oan water cooler.

24. Kyle is fired from the Green Lantern Corps for insubordination, but he wants to help Hal. So he takes some of Ganthet's plans and puts them into effect, starting an intergalactic war. He's captured by Amon Sur and tortured with a power drill. The entire scene is creepily sexy. He's brought to Oa for help afterwards, but Soranik lets him die for no good reason.

25. Kyle is found burned to death at the artist's retreat. An investigation proceeds, causing Hal to track down an old villain who raped Kyle but had his mind wiped in response. It turns out that this has nothing to do with the actual murder. Torah killed him for jealousy and used that flamethrower she carries around to cover her tracks.

26. Sinestro manages to steal Kyle's powers, but Hal rescues him and leaves him at his apartment while he tries to stop Sinestro's master plan. While he's gone, Carol gets possessed by Star Sapphire again. She goes to Hal's apartment to kill him, but finds Kyle instead and chops him to pieces in the kitchen.

27. Parallax possesses Kyle and forces him to fight the rest of the Corps. By the time he shakes him several lanterns are hurt, which causes great angst on the part of Kyle. He goes into seclusion into September, when he emerges to fight an alternate universe Hal who was never freed from Parallax. He's beaten to death during the battle, and doesn't manage to stop his enemy.

28. In the first few pages, Ganthet calls Kyle to Oa, takes him aside and says the words fandom will remember for decades: "Kyle, I am your father."

29. In the last few pages, Sinestro corners Kyle, and in the middle of the fight says the words fandom will remember for decades: "Kyle, I am your father."

30. In the last few pages, Sinestro corners Kyle, and in the middle of the fight says the words fandom will remember for decades: "Kyle, I am your mother. Its complicated."


41 comments:

  1. Kyle, I am your mother. It's complicated.

    I hate you.

    *snortle*

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  2. You missed a few!

    31: Prime escapes and punches off Kyle's head. It rolls for three panels.

    32: Two words: Juice press (NSFW)

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  3. I must've had Jonah Hex on the brain, because I stopped reading #5 midway through:

    5. Sinestro kills Kyle and stuffs him.

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  4. 33. Shot in the head by a suddenly ultra-evil Radu.

    34. Beaten to death by NotTheHulk, comes back as four different Kyles.

    35. Becomes electric blue for no good reason.

    36. Marries Green Arrow.

    37. Remember that clone from 20 years ago? That was the real Kyle. The Kyle you've been reading about is actually the clone. No, just kidding, it was all a plot by Norman Osborne, who also faked his mother's death.

    38. Skrull.

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  5. 39. Sinestro reveals that Katma Tui never really died. He just kidnapped her, brainwashed her and turned her into "Kyle". He/She turns back.

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  6. 40. Kyle starts a romance with an intelligent but significantly older heroine but as that would require some creativity to write, he instead gets killed by a stray bullet in the next big mutant-themed crossover, on a mission to save a throwaway character no one has heard of before or since. "His artistic abilities were no use in a fight" is the official story. His corpse is infected by brother eye and he's layer "resurrected" as the techno-organic "Kylac".

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  7. Personally, I was more annoyed at the diversity cheat there. You think that fucking counts, Winick? He looks white!

    What is it with you gringos who think all Hispanics look like Cheech Marin or something. I am as white as Kyle, and I was born and raised in South America. "Hispanic" has a lot more to do with geography and culture than with genes, since there are Hispanics as black as Sammy Sosa and as white as Valeria Mazza with countless ethnic groups and colors in between.

    I half agree with you, though, that Kyle barely counts as Hispanic; but it has nothing to do with him being whitish.

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  8. Bat -- Sorry. I just meant to say since he won't be perceived as Hispanic, and he wasn't raised in (or shows any inclination to learn about) Hispanic culture, Winick shouldn't be so self-congratulatory about it, but I was getting all ranty. I should know better.

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  9. 41. Kyle gets traded to Image for Spawn and 3 cyborgs to be named later...

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  10. 42. Whilst trying to stop the Vogons from building a hyperspace bypass through Earth, Kyle gets turned into a whale.

    43. Kyle wakes up to find out that his time as a superhero was all a dream.

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  11. I'm sorry, I shouldnt' be laughing so hard, because really some of these are just mind-boggling, when broken down like this.

    I especially liked #5, where he comes back as Star Sapphire for some reason. He's certainly PRETTY enough.

    And #20 made me spit out my tea. Of COURSE Hal would hit on Donna when telling her of Kyle's "death"

    By the time I got to Sinestro's "I'm your mother...it's complicated" I was falling out of my chair.

    NOTHING they come up with can be better than these.

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  12. F*cking hilarious!

    44. Admiral: "Green Lantern, we need you to deliver this experimental Air Force fighter jet to Washington to help with the Amazon invasion."

    Kyle: "No problem, Admiral, but I never wear my Ring when I fly fighting jets."

    Admiral: "Wait! Kyle! You don't know how to fly a fighter . . . damn."

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  13. I liked the Star Sapphire one...If nothing else, Kyle trying to get Hal to impregnate him should make for some good reading.

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  14. 45. On the final page, we learn that "Kyle Rayner" was the name of Hal Jordan's sled.

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  15. 46. We find out that the last 40 years of Green Lantern stories (and 90% of what has happened in the DCU) was all in the daydream of an autistic child.

    47. Kyle finds out that before dying, Jade secretly gave birth to twins in France and Effigy was the father.

    48. Kyle finds out that his Ion powers are the result of a mystic bond with the God of Molocules.

    49. A rogue group of Guardians decide that, in an effort to better keep order, that they must register all super-powered beings in the Universe. The Corps splits over ideological lines and in order to fill their ranks, the Pro-Reg side offer amnesty to all of their enemies, including captured members of The Sinestro Corps. Kyle is killed off in the first battle, getting shot in the head by a stray laser blast. Despite this being a big tragedy that shakes the hearts of many, only the Guardian leading the Pro-Reg forces will show up for the funeral.

    50. Kyle gets a new monthly title... written by Judd Winick.

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  16. i've figured it out. kyle has actually been a sort of unwitting cocoon all along.

    deep inside him, ch'p's new body is finally complete, and he's about to chew his way to the surface.

    honestly, i'd think that would be good news for everyone. well, except the kyle fans, i guess.

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  17. 51. Kyle travels back in time and gets a red-hot Apache tomahawk pressed against his face, sleeps with a saloon girl and becomes the great grandfather of Harvey Dent.

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  18. Kyle travels back in time and gets a red-hot Apache tomahawk pressed against his face

    No, that would be awesome!

    Jonah Hex fans, on the other hand, would have something to complain about.

    Like they didn't have enough already. Seriously, a scarred supermodel who rides a dragon and shoots magic lazers? What was Karl Kesel thinking?

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  19. Or, they could do this:

    http://www.fanzing.com/mag/fanzing06/feature2.shtml

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  20. 52. Kyle is accidentally sent to the 31st Century and joins the Legion. Shortly thereafter, that Legion is retconned out of existence.

    54. Sinestro rings up a piranha, which eats Kyle's hand. Kyle comes back with a beard, long hair, and gets a hook for a hand.

    55. We learn that Kyle was dead all the time and only Ganthet could see him.

    56. Kyle joins Hal and the other Green Lanterns in bringing Sinestro into the Central Power Battery to keep him prisoner there. He escapes and Kyle returns aged 10 years, wearing Hal's costume, as it is the only one that can contain the Green Lantern energy (which now resides in the costume, not the rings or batteries). Kyle mopes for a year, until his roomate, John Biff becomes "The Biffen," endowed with mysterious powers. Kyle defeats him, decides to remain Green Lantern, but is killed by Hal's enemies, just as several Post-ZH come to the 21st Century and succeed in bringing back Guy Gardner, even though they were trying to bring back Hal.

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  21. 53. So shocking it was skipped. Kyle removes his mask, and in the most shocking twist of ALL TIME IN COMICS, EVER, he's black! SHOCKING TWIST!

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  22. 54. Kyle fights Major Force again, but this time, instead of attacking with his ring, Kyle punches Force in the face with his bare, unshielded fist, breaking his hand instantly. Clutching his bad hand in pain, he turns to the unharmed Major Force and exclaims: "You're *gasp* METAHUMAN???" Force then rips off Kyle's head and uses it as a hacky-sack.

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  23. 55. Kyle jumps up and down on a bed in slow motion with a bunch of hobbi... I mean, Guardians.

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  24. One Kyle and Nine Guardians jumping on the bed, one falls off and bumps his head. Ganthet calls Soranik Natu and Soranik Natu says, "no more Kyle and Guardians jumping on the bed."

    #fifty-whatever: After working with the Mosiac cities and teetering on the edge of madness, a coalition of heroes and aliens come to Oa to demand the return of their cities. Kyle swallows a power ring and becomes a Guardian (or at least a human wearing a Guardian "dress"). All of this is summarily forgotten when Parallax destroys the Corps. Kyle then joins up with the Darkstars.

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  25. 53A. Kyle removes his full-face mask, and in the most shocking twist of ALL TIME IN COMICS, EVER, he's Magnet-I mean, Dr. Polaris! SHOCKING TWIST!

    We could do these all week. And perhaps should...

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  26. Heh, I know is complete heresy to say this but my favorite incarnation of Hal Jordan as a character was when he was the Spectre and written by JM DeMatteis. Really, I never was much into him when he was the "hot-shot space cowboy that all the alien woman liked", because in a way he was too much like Captain Kirk. The embarrassing "man-love" that Geoff Johns have for the character is also quite unappealing. Well, it is still better than Meltzer "I wish the JLA members were my buddies, so I could tell to everyone".

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  27. I never was much into him when he was the "hot-shot space cowboy that all the alien woman liked", because in a way he was too much like Captain Kirk.

    And you think this is a bad thing? ;-)

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  28. These were great. :D Thanks!

    And Kyle's Irish-Mexican? Wow. Spider-Man 2099 was the only Irish-Mexican in comics I could look to as a kid, so this pleases me. I'm Irish-Mexican with a hint of Navajo . . . but people always assume I'm a pale Jewish fellow. Go figure. ;)

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  29. And you think this is a bad thing? ;-)

    Well, I like Kirk. But I think a lot of his charisma is Shatner actually. And dislike the "loved by everyone" trait of both characters. I'm mean, when it becomes a plot point (like the star saphire entity loving Hal), you are overdoing and it became corny. So, yeah, it IS a bad thing, even though I like classic Star Trek (besides I as always more of a Spock guy).

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  30. Now a Green Lantern with a personality patterned after Janeway from the Voyager I could get behind the idea.

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  31. 54-ish: Kyle was revealed to have been the playmate twin made of magic for the Prince Hal of the Paradise Island; Kyle was then kidnapped by an evil entity to live many lives each one getting more tragic than the previous one ...

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  32. I'm with ya on the Hal/Spectre thing. Turning Hal evil was obviously a cheap marketing move by writers and editors who had little respect for the underlying material; but having Hal turn away from wrath and even master the very embodiment of wrath ... I guess Hal's legendary "indomitable will" can overcome even piss-poor writing.

    One thing critics of Hal/Spectre forget is that there could not have been a "Rebirth" without an extended phase in which Hal demonstrated he was "himself" again. Imagine how much it would have sucked if Hal went straight from "dead" (in "Final Night") to "alive and back to normal" (in "Rebirth") ... would not have felt even the tiniest bit authentic or believable.

    I miss Helen Jordan terribly, though. If I were in a position to choose between "Hal remains Spectre and he's got Helen with him" and "Hal is exonerated for his Parallax period and he's back to life but there's no Helen", well, the Hal / Helen rapport must be preserved at all costs.

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  33. What can they really do to him? They've already said he's going to be in the Countdown Presents mini series which is supposed to come out for awhile yet.

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  34. I should probably rethink my position on Kyle's retconned heritage, since this one's been refuted on appearance and the paper mirror.

    But not to worry, I have plenty of other evidence that Judd Winick's Green Lantern run can be hated by all. Not the least of which is that the theretofore unknown father was also a superspy in hiding from the government and had a contrived backstory of the sort that every abandoned child dreams about that manages to invalidate all of Kyle's mother's previous characterization.

    But I digress...

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  35. Jon -- They can erase his memory so that he doesn't know anything beyond his first two weeks as Green Lantern.

    He might get a new costume that consists entirely of gloves, boots, and a speedo.

    They might retcon it so Oblivion has been controlling Kyle since Circle of Fire and that bringing Hal back was a fuck-up in a plan that involved getting Parallax to win. I wouldn't put it past them.

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  36. Since I'm part Irish and my girlfriend is part Mexican, I find Kyle's Irish-Mexican heritage a little less implausible than you guys do.

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  37. This just in from 1999! Apparently, Kyle's Mom is, and I quote, "A Bitch".
    Thank you and goodnight.

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  38. They've already said he's going to be in the Countdown Presents mini series which is supposed to come out for awhile yet.

    And solicitations never, ever lie, do they?

    BTW, it's 1, of course.

    With a bit of, I kid you not, 48.

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  39. Well, it apppears they gone the obvious route. Is like Geoff Johns is using Sinestro to get revenge on all the stupid fans that don't know how the Green Lanterns should be like he does. I mean, is almost on par with the thin-veilled homophobic comment of Alex Ross about how Obsidian is better as a silent doorman (make that doormat) than as fully-fledged and well-rounded gay person.

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  40. Julio, do you have to bring down a fun thread like that?

    Besides, most comics plots are obvious, like the obvious resolution where Hal saves Kyle from the living hell of his current condition. Its how you get there that's fun. (And I know what you said on the other comment thread, but I had fun.)

    Besides, Johns cobbled together parts of 1, 2, 9, 16, 27, 37 (from Steven's comment) and the spirit of #5. That was pretty impressive. :)

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  41. And solicitations never, ever lie, do they?

    Yeah, just ask fans of Bart as Flash and/or of Marc Guggenheim's Flash: The Fastest Man Alive.

    And to get back to the point of the thread:


    Way # I lost track: Reveal that Kyle is a Futurist, decides that Super-Heroes need to be registered, and joins with several other top DC people to send Loose Cannon into space, head up the DEO, and why the hell not, be revealed to be a White Martian.

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