Undergarments of the Gods

BreastBlog 2007 is winding down, but it can not die until some poor woman has blogging specifically about underwear.

Its my turn this year.

And, as I have been shown this dreadful "Public Service" Announcement which blames female bloggers for creepy street harassment on the part of people who should be acting more professional, this post will involve me discussing my taste in underwear specifically, as well as that of several well-known superheroes. And if any of you should approach me on the street and mention my underwear in the hopes of creeping me out, expect to hear a 3-hour talk on the virtues of granny underwear. It will be far more detailed than you wish to know, and shall involve a tangent about two men kissing and the opportunities to view such an event, as well as a lecture on how the yellow weakness was the greatest arbitrary weakness conceived of in the Silver Age, a rant on George Perez's Wonder Woman reboot, and complaints about people who think Frigga and Freya are the same goddess.



Unless, of course, I don't have three hours, in which case I will mercilessly taunt your visible physical flaws.

Anyway, I've been recently made aware that a bouncing chest is considered a stumbling block, something very trying for men who are attempting to stare open-mouthed at a perfectly innocent young woman and keep their thoughts pure at the same time. I feel no pity or sympathy for a man I've caught staring when my chest moves, because whatever awkwardness is felt on their end can't be anything compared to being attached to the dreadful things. Oh sure, as a body part there's a certain amount of unconscious comfort to it. A Bounce Tolerance, so to speak. It differs for every woman, based on her size and her choice of support, but there's a certain amount of bouncing that is to be expected and can be ignored. Even then, however, we are all well-aware of the bounce and know that nothing can be done to stop it (to be honest its quite rude to remind us of that fact, because its uncomfortable enough to know that your flesh is bouncing without some person calling attention to it!). Some women don't give a damn either way, but most women will take steps to minimize the bouncing. I'm one of those women who care very much about minimizing the bouncing.

For me, its a matter of comfort as well as self-consciousness. I don't like feeling that bounce. I don't like thinking about that bounce. I don't like others watching that bounce, and seeing others watch that bounce just makes me think more and more about how I don't like feeling that bounce or thinking about that bounce. This puts me in a foul mood and leads to a great deal of unpleasantness at work and on the internet.

Yes, that's right, Ragnell the Foul is cranky because her chest bounces too much. And here I bet you thought my shoes were too tight.

After evaluating various bras on comfort, dressing time, amount of movement, appearance, and durability, I discovered the perfect bra for me a few years ago. It has a racer back, a back-closing clasp, and an underwire. It happens to be about two cup sizes too small right now, and distributes my flesh into what my sister refers to as the "uniboob" but trust me once I get that contraption fastened there is as little bounce as possible and that is precisely how I like it. I find bouncing to be very unpleasant.

It may be surprising (well, to new readers at least -- "Hello to any perverts out there who googled women's underwear and came up my insane ramblings!") that I looked at Amanda Conner's Power Girl costume design and thought of that bra.

Its the creases, actually, and the fact that the costume does not appear to separate the breasts but instead distributes them into the aforementioned uniboob and looks a couple cup sizes too small. Adjusting for artist interpretation, I'd say an actual Power Girl costume would not dip so low on the breasts and instead would have the same effect as my favorite sports bra -- as much restriction of bounce as possible. There's still going to be some natural jigglyness, but absolutely nothing can be done about that with our society's support technology.

Which brings me to Wonder Woman. She is from a society of women that has existed independently of men for three thousand years, and has access to divine magic. If anyone can make a better bra, its the Amazons.

When Jodi Piccoult was hired, she was quoted as asking to change the costume because she thought a bustier would be difficult to fight crime in. A bustier is an undergarment which supports the bust from underneath, usually with plastic ribbing. I'm with Piccoult in that I think a bustier such as the red top that Diana wears would be difficult to fight crime in. Honestly, I think that a bustier such as the red top Diana wears would be difficult to do anything in. Diana's costume, however, was designed by the Amazons who must have superior brassiere technology.


By that logic, I propose that Wonder Woman is not actually wearing a bustier. Her bust is supported by the gold breastplate that lies on top of the red material.

It only makes sense. That belt is the girdle of Gaia, a major divine artifact. Those bracers are forged from Aegis, a major divine artifact. Her tiara is forged for Amazon royalty. Surely its not too out of the question to assume her breastplate has magic properties as well?

Some artists draw a tiny, tiny WW, but the Byrne years depicted the WW (and the classic eagle) with a decent amount of coverage. The eagle could clearly be a bra in itself, but the WW probably works with the red material to lift, cradle, and stablize the WonderTwins as well as protect Diana's vital organs. In most drawings it molds to her chest shape and likely has an attached underwire threaded through the red part of the costume. There's probably a decent amount of padding for comfort underneath the gold and surrounding the underwire. Add Diana's gift of flight and magic properties associated with any of Wonder Woman's gear and that bra must feel like an extension of her body, never too restrictive, never too loose, an undergarment forged by Hephaestus himself!

Yes, I have considered this at great length.

But there can always be a better bra. I think the capabilities of one are in the hands of Lorna Dane (Polaris) and Francis Kane (Magenta) of Marvel and DC respectively.

When I first saw the X-Men trailers a few years ago, I watched a clip of Magneto spontaneously create a bridge with random plates of metal as he was walking across it and was struck by the potential breast-tech applications of magnetic powers. From how I've seen magnetic powers used, a person can tear metal apart and assemble a costume over their body that fits their form absolutely perfectly. As this is made entirely of metal, there is no chance of it moving, and if those breasts are snugly contained and supported in the metallic bra there will be absolutely no bouncing. Its form fitting, so it lifts and separates if you want it to. No need for an underwire, as the entire outfit is an underwire. With the right kind of padding it could be very comfortable, and since you made it on your own it certainly wouldn't restrict breathing. And in addition to all of that you can reasonably expect it to withhold against most attacks.

I'd go so far as to say that if I could have any superpower I wanted, it would be magnetic powers to aid in the construction of the Ideal Support Garment.

In retrospect I suppose this is the mentality that led to the corset.

It would cut down on bounce, though. I certainly wouldn't want bounce if I was fighting crime.