Tales From the Chatroom: Dear Pietro..

Tonight in chat, Kalinara and I realized that even though Scott Summers and Pietro Maximoff have so much in common that writers swap them during Alternate Timelines and What-Ifs and they were effectively counterparts in the Silver Age, but they interact much more rarely than they should. Then it occurred to us that they must be penpals.

Dear Pietro,
How are you? I'm fine. The Professor just developed an evil split personality and tried to kill us. Or something. I admit, I don't quite follow. On the plus side, he mind wiped your dad, so you should get a few weeks of vacation out of the deal. I have to go, he's trying to kill us. See you soon.

Dear Scott.
I'm glad you're well. So am I. I am deeply impressed that you can tell the difference between an evil split personality of Professor Xavier's and his typical machiavellian plotting. Thank him for the memory wipe, as it allowed Wanda and I to finally have a quiet Thanksgiving.

~~~~~

Dear Pietro,
It's possible you will get a package from my former father-in-law. It is advised that you do not open it. Have a happy holiday.

Dear Scott,
Thank you for the warning. Enclosed is a magnetic bumper sticker backing that should provide some amusement next time you encounter my father. Happy New Year.

~~~~~

Dear Pietro,
How are you? I don't know if you've been watching the news lately, but we have a de-aged and amnesiac version of your father staying with us. He apparently is hitting it off with Rogue. Gambit is annoyed. It's vastly entertaining. Hope things are going well with you.

Dear Scott,
As always, I am pleased to learn that Father has lost his memory. Today I ventured across the Island of Dr. Moreau Players production of Camelot. There is talk of some sort of scientific Grail Quest. I'd forgotten how little sense life makes at home.

~~~~~

Dear Scott,
How are you? I have unfortunately been trapped into working for my father again. I have been successful in curtailing his plans for light genocide this week, but this fixation with robots troubles me. Send Jean my well-wishes.

Dear Pietro,
I'm fine, how are you? I've sent you a package of electrical engineering text books. Use as you see fit. Jean is dead again, but I'll transmit your wishes when she comes back.

Dear Scott,
I am doing much better since receiving your gift. Father is rather upset about it. My condolences on Jean. I would like to attend the funeral, but am too busy preventing my father from murdering too many members of his Cabinet. Please accept this wreath and apologize for my absence when she returns.

~~~~~

Dear Pietro,
If someone comes to your door saying it is me, do not open it. I have been possessed by Apocalypse. DEATH TO ALL UNWORTHY!!! I am going to take a vacation on a fishing vessel. TREMBLE BEFORE ME MORTAL. Please tell Wanda I said hi. DIE INFIDEL. Best wishes.

Dear Scott,
Have relayed your greeting to Wanda, as well as your warning. Good luck with the possession. I am told that the trick is not to isolate yourself but to surround yourself with people who care for you, but I don't know anyone with a heart who has actually tried this. I certainly wouldn't risk my sister in such a way.

DEAR PIETRO,
HOW ARE YOU? I HOPE THINGS ARE WELL FOR YOUR SISTER. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF A NEW CAREER ON LIFE? I HAVE A JOB OPENING AND YOU WOULD MAKE A GOOD PESTILENCE.

Dear Apocalypse,
I move far too fast for pestilence. My father, on the other hand, is a plague upon the entire species. Contact him.

DEAR PIETRO,
HOW ARE YOU? YOUR FAMILY IS A SCOURGE AND A BLIGHT ON THE PLANET. ALSO YOUR SISTER WILL NOT RETURN MY CALLS.

Stay. Away. From. My. Sister.

Dear Pietro,
How are you? Sorry it's been a while since I last wrote, I was amnesiac on a fishing vessel and then had to get exorcised.

Dear Scott,
Quite well. How was the fishing?

~~~~~

On the Eve of the Metaplot

My hopes and predictions for during/after Infinite Crisis:

-- Taking Supergirl into outer space is a bad idea. Supergirl is evil.

-- Taking Alan Scott into outer space is a bad idea. Alan's source of energy is the same kind of magic used by all of the Guardians of the Universe's old magic enemies. Alan inadvertantly frees all of these old magic enemies, such as the Empire of Tears, from eons-long imprisionment, allowing fans to finally see modern stories about these guys and not just tantalizing references in old GLC Quarterlies.

-- Putting Guy Gardner and Kyle Rayner in command positions turns out to be a good idea.

-- Sardath's way of defeating Onimar Synn was a bad idea. Onimar Synn returns -- Seven Times as Big, Seven times as Yellow!

-- Power Girl becomes something very similar to Donna Troy.

-- Superman is holding Despero's consciousness.

-- There is also a crazy, evil, or both, Pre-Crisis version of Superman running amok.

-- The White Martians return, and become roving space villains. There will be many laughs from novice Green Lantern encounters with them "Telepathic shapeshifters with heat vision!? What whacked-out deity thought of that!?"

-- Johnny Sorrow returns.

-- Dark Seid will not return until after the OYG (One-year Gap).

-- Brainiac returns.

-- The Joker returns, in a very, very bad way at a very, very, bad time. Think No Man's Land bad.

-- Villains you didn't realize were gone return.

-- Villains you didn't realize existed return.

-- Heroes you didn't realize existed die. And for some unknown reason, you care!

-- Airwave, Larry Jordan, dies heroically, giving angst to cousin Hal.

-- Martian Manhunter dies.
- Without his emotional guidance, the next version of the JLA doesn't take, and the book is cancelled.

-- Captain Comet doesn't die, and becomes a recurring guest star in Green Lantern Corps.

-- None of the Earth Green Lanterns die, but scores of nameless alien Lanterns do.

-- Jay Garrick does not die.

-- Donna Troy does not die, but is never used as a love-interest again.

-- Pariah finally dies. And there will be much rejoicing.

-- Hawkman neither dies nor bathes.

-- Wally West does not die, but retires (maybe even conveniently loses his powers) to spend more time with the kids.

-- Either Connor Hawke (Green Arrow II) or Roy Harper (Arsenal) dies. I hope it is Arsenal.

-- Kyle Rayner does not die, remains active, but is unable to comfortably return to the metropolitan, or even global scale of heroics after becoming so used to the universal scale of policing.

-- Bart Allen becomes the new Flash.

-- Barry Allen shows up through time-travel, and nearly gets killed before (but also after) his appointed time to be killed.

-- Todd Rice (Obsidian, son of Alan Scott the Golden Age Green Lantern) gets his powers back, much to his father's annoyance.

-- Wally West and Kyle Rayner work together for one last time.

-- Colu (Homeworld of the Brainiac bloodline) suffers a major population loss. The disaster that occurs here is blamed on Donna Troy, but actually perpetrated by Supergirl. The damage could be a lot worse, but Kyle Rayner and a new Green Lantern from Colu manage to contain it.

-- Kyle Rayner deliberately performs an act of mass destruction, again, and is rewarded by the Guardians of the Universe for it.

-- Guy Gardner gets to hurt a lot of bad guys. There will be much rejoicing.


-- Vril Dox II, Brainiac II, will be technically counted among Kyle's Rogue's Gallery, but never become an actual supervillain.

-- The Spectre's new host is not Jim Corrigan, but somebody else.

-- Sasha Bordeaux becomes the only OMAC. She is never used by anyone but Rucka.

-- We see a new Atom-style shrinking hero, that goes by the name "Ion"

-- The new Blue Beetle is Hispanic, and never before seen.

-- Lex Luthor is not only thwarted, but forced to help the heroes again.

-- Star Sapphie dies, and we see a new Star Sapphire.

-- Black Adam turns on the Secret Society of Supervillains.

-- Dr. Psycho is thrown out of the Secret Society of Supervillains. This is actually pretty impressive.

-- Nevertheless, the Secret Society of Supervillains remains intact, with a slightly altered roster.

-- Brother I is defeated by an all-female team led by Wonder Woman, and including Fire and Sasha Bordeaux

-- Every member of the Justice League who was punked by Deathstroke (and they ALL got punked) in Identity Crisis gets to lay a smackdown on him. The damage dealt, and the speed in which it is dealt would ideally be proportional to how badly the Leaguer was punked. Meaning Slade walks away without so much as a concussion from a fight with Green Arrow that last two issues, but is nearly killed (and left in traction for the entire one year break) by Kyle Rayner in just two panels.

-- All of the Big 3 are MIA during the OYG:
- Wonder Woman does not die, but is tapped to mediate peace talks between Rann and Thanagar. She goes into space for a year.
- Superman goes into forced exile in a) the Fortress of Solitude, b) the center of the Sun, or c) the Phantom Zone
- Batman leaves Gotham top find himself. He tours the world, again, as Bruce Wayne.

-- John Stewart is one of the featured characters in 52.

-- John Stewart is absent from the Green Lantern ongoing due to his having inexplicably disappeared during the OYG (This will be explained in 52). Kyle Rayner, as one of the GLC troubleshooters, ends up staying on Earth for an extended period of time to help find him. This is why we've only heard of Guy Gardner as the star of the GLC ongoing, because Kyle is getting partnered with Hal for the next year.
- A year passes, and Hal Jordan still hasn't told his brother about what happened with Parallax. He is still reckless, repressed and in denial after the OYG. He is also still abnormally (for a Green Lantern) susceptible to mind control.
- Hector Hammond reaches in Kyle's brain and is unable to control him, but still manages to kick a few walls down.
- Geoff Johns and Dave Gibbons settle Mama Rayner's fate once and for all, because Johns can not bear to see loose plot threads. It will be very unpleasant.

---

Now for the good news -- An explanation for "Great Guardians!" that is funny, and affords Kyle a chance to flex his creative muscle. I just hope he writers this explanation into Recharge. It would be funny.

Green Lantern Fun

MEMORANDUM FOR GREEN LANTERN KYLE RAYNER

FROM: Green Lantern Salakk, Green Lantern Corps Administrative Liason

SUBJECT: Letter of Reprimand for Needlessly Destructive Tactics

1. On 26 September, 2005, you awakened a planetary-class entity from its hibernation inside of Talok IX, and indirectly destroyed the planet. While there were no direct deaths from the disaster, there have been serious effects on the Talok system. The rubble severed Talok VII from its inter-stellar trade routes, posing a serious threat to its economy. The primitive people of Talok V retreated to their caves when debris reached their planet. They have revived their darkness-worshipping religion. Both civilizations have culturally regressed by several decades.

2. You have been counseled that your actions have fallen short of the standards set by GLCI 37-6001 Dormant Cosmic Entities, GLCI 21-703 Necessary Force and GLCO 61-35 Pre-Mission Checklist. GLCI 37-6001 clearly states that “planetary-class entities hibernating in the cores of gas giants must not be disturbed under any circumstances.” GLCO 61-35 specifically instructs Lanterns to research the Central Threats Database before embarking on any mission.

3. You have displayed destructive behavior twice prior to this. You intentionally demolished both Oa and Solaris the Tyrant Sun. I have documented both occasions. If this trend continues, I will request disciplinary action under GLCJC Article 31 Reckless Disregard for Sentient Life, with the punishment outlined in Article 37 Incorporeal Imprisonment.

4. You have up to 3 duty days to reply to this Letter of Reprimand, but you will annotate with your signature that you have received it. I can be contacted at Extension 0001-7. Despite the above problems, your unorthodox method of problem-solving and unpredictable combat style make you a fine Green Lantern. You possess remarkable potential, if you can just get past this unfortunate habit of destroying celestial bodies.




Salakk of Slyggia, GrLn, GLC
Administrative Liason, Keeper of the Book of Oa

-----
Note: The above incident was entirely fabricated by me, and hasn't happened in any comic book I've read. Of course, given Kyle's record it's only a matter of time before we see something similar.

There you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen (and Kim): What I've been working on for so many weeks! Well, there's been a lot more paperwork (letters of recommendation, performance report bullets *shudder* and speeches), but this was the most enjoyable assignment yet.

Yes, this was an actual assignment from my comm-skills class at leadership school. We're studying documentation of disciplinary measures. He asked everyone in the room to name a fictional character, then assigned a paper for each. If I'd only had to do a Letter of Counseling, I would've done destroying Oa, but a reprimand is a pretty serious thing. I hope I made destroying a planet sound as bad as being late for work.

The poor guy next to me had to write a Letter of Counseling for Superman. That had to be hard, I mean, mind control aside, what has Superman ever done to deserve disciplinary measures? My choice was far easier to work with, and it's a good thing I'm obsessed with Green Lantern right now rather than Wonder Woman. I find it tough to reprimand Diana for killing a guy who so obviously had it coming ("You look good on your knees, princess." What a sleaze! He would have been dead right there if it had been Hippolyta!). As it was, it worked out nicely, and I could have used any of the Lanterns.