Monday, October 29, 2007

Okay...

So I just saw a commercial for Beowulf.

Now, I had to double-check the website to make sure Angelina Jolie was playing who I thought she was playing.

And yes.

Yes.

She was playing who I thought she was playing.

They went and made Grendel's Mom sexy.

I don't know what to say.

28 comments:

  1. Well come on, how could Angelina Jolie not be sexy?

    Oh wait, you're suggesting they *shouldn't* have cast her?

    You and me have very different ideas about how to make a good movie.

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  2. Yup. The only consolation is that it's not going to stink any more then any previous attempts to film Beowulf. Although the one with Stellan Skarsgard did have lovely scenery.

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  3. Look on the bright side - we might get some unintentional comedy out of this like her role in 'Alexander'.

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  4. Yeah, I had that same exact initial reaction. "Wait...is she supposed to be? Nah, it couldn't be. Could it? Nah, it couldn't be? But it sure seems like it is..."

    It is pretty darn silly.

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  5. Beouwulf: One Warrior, 1 MILF. Falls count anywhere...

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  6. Wait.

    What?!

    (*cries*)

    Someday, somebody will make a good Beowulf movie. Someday.

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  7. The thing that's weird to me is that it's a CG animated movie. Yet the character design for Grendel's Mom is - Angelina Jolie (with a tail, apparently). Here's a chance to let your imagination go a little crazy and come up with a design that's creepy and weird, and instead we get Virtual Angelina. How uninspired.

    The movie could be good (I question the decision to go CG at this point in time - the humans in the clips still don't look quite right or move quite right), but this isn't starting it out on a good foot in my mind.

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  8. Eh, considering they did the same thing in that God-awful The 13th Warrior (their excuse was it would be mean to have the Beowulf character beat up an old lady), and I'm banking on this to be better because Neil Gaiman wrote the script ... I really don't care so much. Although it is annoying, yes.

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  9. I'm going to admit it: I don't find Angelina Jolie attractive. What's with that face? She looks ill!

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  10. She also appears to be wearing high heels, for some reason.

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  11. *dies laughing*

    Neil Gaiman wrote this script, right? Well, maybe I'll still give it a chance, but... Oh, dear god, that's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard...

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  12. Have you seen the shots of perfectly chiseled Beowulf fighting in the short-short Kirbyskirt?

    Luckily I'm equal-opportunity.

    Roll on Conan-porn.

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  13. I may be completely alone in this, but making Grendel's mom humanoid is about the only thing that looks cool to me about the movie (though it would have worked better as a surprise). The animation just looks...terrible. Like, distractingly terrible. Considering that they obviously had actors on the set, and that most of the effects would have been...well...animated anyway, I have no idea why they didn't just go ahead and do a live action film.

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  14. Maybe they should've gotten Jennifer Coolidge.
    "Call me Grendel's Mom!"

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  15. I have to agree, that was a poor casting choice there. When I first heard about the castng, it was before they had released any trailers. I knew it was a computer animated movie, so I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Her voice on a hag character would have been at least acceptable, of still not correct. Now, however, I have to wonder what they were thinking.

    A shame too. One of my favorite stories of all time, adapted for the screen by one of my favorite writers of all time...and they look to be screwing it up.

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  16. They didn't just make her sexy, they put her in high heels.

    There is not enough headdesk in the galaxy...

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  17. From what little I know of the movie, Grendel's mother is supposed to be a shapechanger, ergo MILF form to seduce Beowulf.

    And the high heels? They couldn't have her walking around naked for a PG-13 film so they gave her an outfit. Hopefully, the unrated DVD will have Grendel's Mother in all her glorious CGI nudity.

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  18. I can't wait for the "Grende's Mom (Has Got It Going On)" video.

    It sounds hot.

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  19. Yeah, I gotta say, Grendel's mom being hot perplexes me less than the sight of her having stiletto heels.

    As for the eerie-looking character designs, I blame Robert Zemeckis's infatuation with CGI: I think someone needs to go look up the Uncanny Valley...

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  20. I finally saw the trailer for this, so better late than never, I suppose. I also started snickering uncontrollably. On the other hand, I could swear that I saw Anthony Hopkins.

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  21. sallyp - Anthony Hopkins provides the voice for Hrothgar; and it seems like Beowulf is another "let's model the characters after their voice actors" CGI film, which personally I find disconcerting and creepy-looking.

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  22. I haven't seen the trailer yet but from all the comments it looks prettu cringe-worthy. (stilettos? Y'all aren't joking, are you?)

    One minor correction, though, it's not a CG/animated movie. I forget the name of the filming process but it's something like how they filmed the actor who played Gollum, or like the movie "A Scanner Darkly". (Not that that makes the idea of a sexy milf Grendel any easier to stomach)

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  23. Damn, I thought those were hooves, not heels.
    In Hellboy II, Hollywood gives us Baba Yaga played by Drew Barrymore.

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  24. So if Grendel's mom is being played by CGI Angelina Jolie, then basically Grendel's mom is being played by Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.

    With stilletos.

    It's too depressing to go on.

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  25. Grendel's Mom


    Grendel's Mom has got it painted on.
    Grendel's Mom has got it painted on.
    Grendel's Mom has got it painted on.
    Grendel's Mom has got it painted on.

    Grendel, now I know why you drool (why you drool)
    Why you live in a cave by the p-p-p-pool (by the pool)
    'Cause your mom rubs you down with her tail (with her tail)
    Which is why I'm stripping off my chain mail (my chain mail)
    You know I'm not as heroic as I used to be
    But I'm feeling pretty kingly, can't you see?

    Grendel's Mom has got it painted on
    She's all I want and I've waited for so long.
    Grendel, you're a beast but your Mom is quite a feast.
    Now I know it might be wrong
    But I'm in love with Grendel's Mom.

    Grendel's Mom has got it painted on.
    Grendel's Mom has got it painted on.

    Grendel, thanks to me you're dead and gone (dead and gone)
    But your Mom emerged with just some gold paint on (gold paint on)
    I could tell she understood the way I felt (the way I felt)
    'Cause her dripping body caused my sword to melt (sword to melt)
    Now it's not a hot medieval fantasy
    Since Hrothgar's old, your mom could use a man like me.

    Grendel's Mom has got it painted on.
    She's all I want and I've waited for so long.
    Grendel, you're a beast but your Mom is quite a feast.
    Now I know it might be wrong
    But I'm in love with Grendel's Mom.

    Grendel's Mom has got it painted on (Her dress is painted on)
    She's all I want and I've waited for so long (mated and sated)
    Wealthow, she promised me, would be the Queen for me.
    I know it might be wrong
    But I'm in love with Grendel's Mom.
    Oh oh oh oh (I'm in love with)
    I'm in love with Grendel's Mom
    Oh oh oh oh (making dragons)
    Grendel, you're a beast but your Mom is quite a feast.
    I know it might be wrong
    But I'm in love with Grendel's Mom.

    © 2007 Larry McAneny

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  26. Gaiman did his research...there are many discrepancies over the translation of the Old English word used for Grendel's mother. Many now believe she may have been a warrior/ germanic goddess.
    This, however, doesn't explain the liberties he took in changing the relationship Beowulf had with her.

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  27. This role will be one more bright moment in Angelina Jolie bio!

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