Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Smartest Lantern

Get your copy of JLA/Avengers #3 out.

Don't have one available? Well, here's the cover.

I'll also provide some handy visual aids.

The apparent premise of this cover is everyone who has ever been in any form of the Avengers, and everyone who has ever been in any incarnation of the Justice League is rushing to battle. Apparently, against Krona. It's definitely some reality-altering menace, so they need to bring reality-altering heroes to fight it.

I decided to examine who was the smartest Green Lantern, based on who they have chosen to bring to the fight.

Click Here for the Results

First up is Jade.

According to my key, she's carrying Nikki, Captain America, Madame Masque, Crystal (of the Inhumans), Hercules, Zan and Jayna, Despero's body as inhabited by L-Ron.

(Ralph and Sue don't count, as it's Ralph who's carrying Sue and supporting himself here)

This is a force to be reckoned with, maybe. But I don't see these guys beating Krona. However, I'll admit, she makes a good show.

Moving Clockwise from Jennie, we have Kilowog. Kilowog is bringing Major Disaster, Charlie 27, Aleeta, Demolition, and Cluemaster.

Guess he was pressed for time, because these guys aren't much help either.

Captain Comet, Adam Strange, and Captain Atom don't count, but they certainly do look pretty.

Guy Gardner. Who've we brought today, Guy? "Mockingbird, Steel II, Maxima, General Glory, Red Tornado II, and Big Sir." Oh, Guy, you poor man. You don't stand a chance with this backup.

Hope you packed the Vuldarian powers.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Stewart.

He's usually considered the smartest one, and makes a good case for it here.

He's bringing the Scarlet Witch, Mantis, Zatanna, and Sersi.

That's the lightest load for maximum power there. Scarlet Witch and Zatanna alone have been shown to be able to rewrite reality.

They don't make it to the battle, though. Poor Zatanna spends the whole time fighting Wanda after someone mentions her "kids" and she goes bonkers again. John is knocked unconscious and becomes amnesiac for a few issues, Sersi and Mantis die (and no one misses them), before Zatanna emerge victorious. She has no choice but to wipe Wanda's memory and make her good again. She misses the real fight as she struggles with the moral implications of this. She's right to feel guilty, as Zatanna's actions cause "Avengers Disassembled" and "House of M."

Hal Jordan is bringing nobody.

I can't decide if he's lazy or overconfident.

Or both.

Next up is Kyle Rayner. Normally, Kyle's a heavy hitter all on his own in the cosmic scale. He has been the only one to consistently thwart Parallax on every occasion they run across each other. I guess this has boosted his confidence, because he didn't even try to collect anyone better than Doorman, Agent Liberty, Jocasta, Twin Crimson Foxes, Big Bertha, Rage, and Lobo.

I almost gave him points for Big Bertha. If anyone can finally get rid of that damned Czarnian, I'm confident it's her. But we all know the true power in the Great Lakes Avengers is Squirrel Girl. Without her, they don't stand a chance.

And finally, we have G'nort.

G'nort is bringing Dale Gunn, Maria Brandon, Oberon, Snapper Carr, Maxwell Lord, Catherine Cobert, Jason Blood, Glen Gammeron, Rick Jones, the Mighty Bruce, and Henry Pym.

Now, Pym aside, this is some serious firepower here. G'nort's group includes a 500 year old magician who is bonded to Etrigan the Demon, a short elderly man who regularly hangs out with one of Dark Seid's favorite targets, a Frenchwoman (Not to be confused with a Frenchman), a non-powered guy with no special skills who regularly teams up with the Hulk and Captain America and Captain Marvel (the crappy Marvel one), the most annoying Person in the DC Universe (*snap* *snap*), a telepath who was using Superman as a puppet under such control that Wonder Woman felt it was necessary to snap his neck, and a middle-aged balding mechanic who had Vixen and Zatanna fighting over his affections.

Forget Scarlet Witch and Zatanna. G'nort's brought people who can make reality sit up and beg.

Ladies, and Gentlemen, this proves that G'Nort Esplanade Gneesmacher is the DC Universe's Smartest Green Lantern

I'm scared too.


  1. Actually it looks lie Jade is bringing US Agent and not Captain America. In fact, Cap is right there in front of the ladies on the John Stewart platform.

  2. Doorman is Death now.

    Big Bertha has the best super power ever. She shrinks to super model size by throwing up.

    You don't need anybody else when you have the GLA. Sure squrriel girl is the big gun of the group but they single handedly stopped the universe from being re-written. And they only had the powers of Flatness, Doormans pass through a wall, Fatness, and dying.

    They're unbeatable.

  3. Poor Zatanna - responsible for both Identity Crisis AND House of M. That's just too much for one fictional character to bear.

    No wonder the poor woman was in therapy in her mini-series...

  4. Brilliant and fun post and analysis! I'm green with envy.

  5. Aren't Mantis and Sersi the same person or something?

  6. That's a trip. I can't believe I'd been missing out on the second parts of your posts, all this time.

    Hurry back from your hiatus.

  7. You know, not for nothing, but if Big Bertha is gonna be carried, she could at least slim down first. Sheesh. Talk about unfair.

    Not only is Hal being a selfish, lazy jerk, but i'm pretty sure Oracle is following him, reminding him of that fact.

    Jon Stewart is all about the ladies. Nice.

    Based on the presence of D-Man, I'm guessing the inside of Kilowog's bubble stinks. Plus, its only a matter of time untill Major Disaster lights them all on fire or something equally unlucky.

    Guy Gardner doesn't need back up. The only time he ever even uses those words, is when someone gets all up in his grill, then he's like, "Yo. Back up off me or else you'll get delt with, homie."


  8. John Stewart isn't the smartest because he's got the lightest load with the most power, he's the smartest because he's only carrying hot superhero women.

    I like that Guy Gardner is carrying General Glory. That's nice little nod to his character.

    As for G'Nort's crew, doesn't Rick Jones have the ultimate human potential in him or something. I'm a little fuzzy on my Avengers history, but didn't Rick end the Kree-Skrull War with his mind? That makes G'Nort's group even more strategic.

    I'm still torn on whether they're better than John Stewart's picks...

  9. i'm not sure if it's telling or a scary stereotype that john stewart, a black man, is bringing all the women to the party.

  10. Wasn't G'nort carrying Scarlet Skier, too? That would be nice nod to their characters...Scarlet Skier hated G'nort with a passion (he's the only criminal G'nort ever defeated) and wanted to kill him. He and G'nort eventually became friends, sort of.

    Scarlet Skier is no one to play around with. He works for Mister Nebula, the Intergalactic Interior Designer! Krona would find himself feng shui'ed to death.

    Yeah, and Rick Jones is a handy guy to have around...he can summon from his imagination the golden age heroes known as the Fin, the Patriot, the Blazing Skull, the Angel, and the first Vision. Those dudes ate Panzer tanks for breakfast!